如何正确地吐槽英格兰队

FT讽刺专栏作家施里姆斯利告诉大家，在今年的世界杯上可以这么吐槽“三狮军团”，比如说，“其实，我们并不像大家相信的那样经常输给德国队——因为我们总是早早被淘汰，碰不到德国队”。他可谓将岛国人民丧心病狂的自黑精神发扬光大。

测试中可能遇到的词汇和知识：

cheat sheet 小抄，备忘录

aficionado[ə,fɪsiə'nɑːdəʊ] 狂热爱好者

nimble[ 'nɪmb(ə)l] 敏感的，敏捷的

throwback ['θrəʊbæk] 复古的

clamour ['klæmə] 呼吁

protruding [prə'truːdɪŋ] 突出的

Soccer chat cheat sheet (620 words)

By Robert Shrimsley

We've got our free wall charts from the Sunday papers. The endless TV shows mean that I already know the 50 greatest World Cup moments; the 40 greatest World Cup goals; the 20 best World Cup teams and England's one greatest World Cup moment. All this and we still have five days to go.

But as World Cup devotees prepare for the kick-off it is time to spare a thought for those who are left behind by World Cup madness. As Thomas Piketty would tell you, 90%of the conversation will be owned by 10% of the public. So here for the soccer-challenged is a cheat sheet to get you through the month.

This is our year. You must never say it but the key to watching England is that, in spite of all the evidence, you secretly believe this is their year. Hell, even Goldman Sachs put our chances at more than 1%. Only five others did better – although they are Brazil, Spain, Germany, Italy and Argentina. Even so, if you are planning an England party, do it during the early stages.

Have a view. You need a couple of opinions, so if you want to suggest some hidden knowledge, say you cannot believe the England manager “hasn't started with Sterling (a young Liverpool player who had fantastic performance during the past season)”. This will work well, unless, of course, he has started with Sterling – in which case you might want to choose someone else. Do not ask why he has not picked Beckham – this may imply you know only one footballer. Stanley Matthews (English star player in the 1950s) is also unavailable. If you want to seem a real aficionado, you might opine that Spain are now really boring – but this is a bold play that only a true expert would risk.

The team with the best defence wins. A useful piece of soccer wisdom that is generally right; except on those occasions when it isn't.

Deliver your predictions in a Scottish accent. This way, if you say something stupid you can pretend you were mocking Alan Hansen (a commentator who usually got mocked by confidently but falsely predicting that Sir Ferguson “can't win anything with kids”).

Stay nimble in your response to results. A solid performance in game one: advance straight to hysteria, pictures of Bobby Charlton (England hero for winning the 1966 World Cup) and singing “Three Lions”. A truly bad result demands absurd optimism: “We can still do it if we win our next game and beat Costa Rica by 15 goals.”(England will play Uraguay, Italy and Costa Rica in the group stage.)

Oh no, Germany. Contrary to popular view, England does not always lose to the Germans. Sometimes we are knocked out before we face them.

What we need is a big old-fashioned centre forward. Every England squad has one throwback striker (who can do nothing but heading the ball) who may eventually score if enough long balls are sent in his direction. At some point in every tournament, the clamour grows to deploy this secret weapon because it is well known that the skilful continentals are frightened of a large caveman with a protruding forehead (this is mocking England's top striker Wayne Rooney).

England lacks style. The shortcomings of the team are a metaphor for the shortcomings of the country. Mainland Europeans are better dressed, eat better food and lack protruding foreheads.

We don't mind winning ugly. In fact we were unaware there was an alternative.

Penalty shoot-outs. Relax, what are the chances of that happening?

请根据你所读到的文章内容，完成以下自测题目：

1.What do we know about England national team?

A.They have won the World Cup many times.

B.They no longer have world stars like Beckham.

C.They are famous for excellent skills.

答案(1)

2.What do we know about England's fans?

A.There are millions around the world.

B.They are usually enthusiastic and over-confident.

C.They are always mocked by Scottish fans.

答案(2)

3.What is most likely to happen, as the writer expects?

A.England goes home early as usual.

B.England beats Costa Rica 15:0.

C.England meets Germany and lose the match.

D.England plays penalty-shoot-out and win.

答案(3)

* * *

(1)答案：B.They no longer have world stars like Beckham.

解释：在tip的第一段提到英格兰的“那一次伟大的时刻”，也就是只赢得了一次冠军。作者接下来就说，你不要问“为什么不带贝克汉姆去”，这样会显得你只知道一个足球运动员。——也就是说目前的英格兰队没有所有人都耳熟能详的球星了。至于C，作者后面没少黑英格兰球员的技术粗糙。

(2)答案：B.They are usually enthusiastic and over-confident.

解释：整篇文章塑造了典型的英国球迷们面对世界杯兴奋的乐观的形象：高举波比·查尔顿的照片并高唱《三狮军团》，比如第一条就是坚信“this is our year”，即使在死亡之组前两场踢得不好也得有absurd optimism：“我们只要15:0击败哥斯达黎加就可以出线”。

(3)答案：A.England goes home early as usual.

解释：其他几个都是很不可能出现的，作者认为。而在死亡之组打道回府则是可以预期的结果。

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