嘿.噢, 天啊, 你清洁了房间.看看这地板.还抹了窗子!我拜托了你好几个月了...你终于做了.你没搞好那些小地方.告诉你, 其实... 不是我搞的.哦, 不会吧.我又梦游搞卫生?不，不是你.那, 是谁?我请了个钟点女工. 耶.噢, 是吗, 我希望你说的"女工"意思是"情妇"居然有另一个女人在这里搞清洁,那...听着, 老婆...我知道你不愿意放弃控制权.哦, 放弃就是失败的代名词.她人品很好的, 知道吗?还有 她说起她很佩服你放置海绵的方法.她真的这样说了?是啊, 我很清楚记得因为当时我以为她在开玩笑.那, 就给她一次机会, 好吗?好吧, 我想我可以的.有什么问题?通常我清洁的时候会这么紧张的.哪里的手机响啊?真是讨厌.到那里都有声音.我想它在你的手袋里.我从没有接到过电话的.你好?菲比, 你好, 我是Eric...万圣节派对上的那个啊.乌苏拉的未婚夫.噢 天啊. Eric, 你好.等等, 你怎么有我的电话号码?我一个做警察的朋友给我找到的.哇, 这样侵犯我的隐私不过给我很大的惊喜.噢, 我只是想说...我已经和乌苏拉分手了.噢 你真的这样做?他做了. 他做了.哇! 他做了什么?嘘, 我在讲电话.我想知道你是那种~~会吃午饭的人吗?你想要约会我吗?这样子不太妥当吧因为你刚和我姐分手也对, 那, 没关系.对不起. 拜.不, 等等, 我只是想让你觉得我是个好人.你可以反击我的.呃...我不太会否定别人的.不太理想,但我们可以吃午饭的时候研究一下.好的, 我两个小时后到你公寓找你吧.好啊. 呃... 你怎么知道我住哪的?我也有不少朋友的.好的, 再见.再见.噢, 天啊.我要和Eric约会啊.噢, 今天的节目比我原先计划要好得多呢.,噢, 罗斯, 我不能和你吃午饭了.,很明显，我被人放鸽子了.我也不能陪你了 我很忙.我在物色公寓.你要搬家吗?是啊. 小孩出世以后，我就不能和乔伊一起住了.我不想我小孩第一句学会的话是:"How you doin'?"那 乔伊知道你要搬家吗?我还没有和他商量过但我知道他一定会觉得松一口气的.上星期他带了一个女生回来我跟她说起乔伊的风流性格然后我拿了怀孕相册的照片给她看.不会是很色的吧.一般般.嘿, 你知道吗?如果你在找地方搬我今早在电梯里听说我们大楼有个女人死掉了.噢 天啊.她很老了吗?她公寓外的风景好吗?我也不知道, 但你想想这多棒啊?你住在我的大楼里.我可以帮忙照顾婴儿.我可以随时去找你.在你的同意下.哇, 那真的是不错呢.是啊.那, 我们能去看一下吗?噢, 不太好呢.如果她真是今早才去世那就太不尊重别人了吧.是啊, 不行... 你说得没错.,- 要去吗?- 好啊.你是?你好, 我叫罗斯 盖勒.我是这大楼的住客.我叫瑞秋, 景仰这大楼已久.我-我听说Verhoven夫人过身了我对此感到很遗憾.她还没有过身.什么?我的母亲还在.噢, 太好了.今早我们都以为要失去她了但她很坚强地挺住了.噢, 是吗.你和她很熟的吗?当然啦.她-她和我整天在洗衣房里聊天的.你会说德语?Zeer veererd een vriend van mijn moeder te ontmoeten.（汗~~不知所云）我会说 但我现在太悲痛了.那她真的还没死哦?没有 她还呆在里面.唔...你可以告诉我 -- 她呆在里面的一个还是两个房间?宾夫人... 这清洁剂太神奇了.你在哪里买的?噢 是吗... 我自己配制的.两份氨水和一份柠檬酸.还有一个秘密成分是...你知道吗?我们才初次见面呢.那好, 呃, 我现在去洗衣房拿衣服一会回来才清理冰箱的背面.我喜欢她.我马上就回来.好的.你看? 我就说.她偷了我的牛仔裤.什么?我已经找了一个星期就是她现在穿着那条.那么说, 她偷了你的裤子然后跑回来穿给你看?你还看不出来吗?这是完美的犯罪.她一定计划了好几年了.我会证明给你看的.大概一个星期前 我还穿着它的时候一支钢笔掉到裤子上所以在裤裆上留着一块污迹.现在, 等她回来我就可以给你看看那污迹.老婆, 厂家有可能就只生产一条你那种牛仔裤吗?应该不会.那在我们偷看她的裤裆前我们是不是应该只怀疑她呢?好吧,还好我刚才没有告诉她秘密配方.好奇问一句, 你的秘密配方是什么?Yeah(装傻...)你好.进来.很高兴你过来.我也很高兴.虽然不象你那样咬牙切齿.对不起, 我才见过乌苏拉.因为我要拿会我的订婚戒指.噢.看着她拿回所有东西.所有的谎言...想到她如何利用我.我就...我就很火 每次看到她的......脸.是啊, 是啊.对不起, 我看着你,我就象看到她.看到她 我就有一点点气愤.这太怪了.不, 等等.只是我看着你的时候才会有问题.我想到了. 我想到了.不要, 不要把自己弄瞎!我只是要把隐型眼镜拿下来.噢, 是啊, 试试看.有没有好一点?没有.你...你很模糊 但依然很象乌苏拉.你是模糊-苏拉.等等, 我知道了.或者...如果-如果我先不要看你.你看! 有效呢.我不再觉得愤怒了.,真是很好的约会呢.Eric, 转过来.我很喜欢你 但我不想要这么困难, 你知道吗?这是我们的首次约会啊.你知道的, 首次约会应该会觉得刺激和有触电的感觉,"噢, 他碰到我的手了"."他是故意摸我的手吗?"然后, 第一吻, 然后...第二吻.谢谢你的咖啡, 或者这样说, 呃...Bedankt voor de koffie(德语),甘瑟.是, 我不要其他东西了.Aisel.Aisel?Aisel... aisel...嘿, 罗斯, 要去球场看最新的科幻电影吗?有吗?没有.但我有Knicks队的门票你、我、钱德三个一起去,怎样?太好了.快喝完你的咖啡.我们要走了.好的, 不过我先要回家一趟.又要录下比赛?你每次都这样做, 罗斯.,你是不会上镜头的.不是, 不是,我要去看看这个公寓是否要出租.你要换公寓?不是我要, 是为瑞秋问的.瑞秋有公寓啦.但小孩出生了她就要搬家啦.她说的吗?对.你也不想和一个婴儿住一起吧, 是吗?我没有想过这个问题呢.Aisel.嘿, 甘瑟, 你才是aisel.那你就是...可恶.很好看的裤子.噢 谢谢. 我喜欢你的衣服.噢.你是不会得到的.发生什么事了?噢, 我睡着了.我想已经到了中午休息时间了.你能先清理一下橱柜吗?那会让你更有胃口吃午饭.好吧.你好.干嘛了?不好意思, 我从没有请过女佣的.这样不行的吗?嘿.嘿.比赛好看吗?呃, 还好.我... 我吃得太饱了.噢.噢.我听罗斯说你要找地方搬 是吗?噢, 是啊.理想的话 可以搬到对面楼.但要某个德国人先放弃.其实我希望你能留下.但, 乔伊, 我必须要走的.这里不够空间给小孩住啊.不够空间?只是一个婴儿.大概 大概就这么大.我-呃... 你 可以...你可以把它放在这里...或者 我们可以把它放这里.噢, 很可爱, 是吗?或者 我们可以放在这里.你甚至会留意不到它.问"孩子呢?" "噢, 它在这里..."亲爱的, 这不是放它在哪里的问题.我意思是, 一个孩子会改变所有东西的.他们经常哭.想想看, 你带了一个女生回家正要"得分"的时候 外面有小孩在哭.我可以向难度挑战的.我可以轻松搞定.我很高兴你想让我留下但我不能让自己这样对你.这会打乱你的生活的.这样...我... 我非常喜欢和你住一起啊.我实在不想这一切有所改变.我知道.我为这事埋怨过罗斯呢.我也是, 一点点.我会很挂念你的.你是我的室友中最辣的一个.噢. 噢 我要走了.我还要去替人按摩.噢, 不要, 留下来吧.你给我按摩吧.我可以付钱的.不, 我之前也因为这样吃过苦头了.过会再见面吗?一定.那好.我喜欢和你亲嘴.真的吗?亲嘴是我的弱项呢.你以后就知道.嘿.嘿, 呃, 我想要给Brenda加人工了.为什么?因为我把头放到她两脚中间了.你真的...去看她的裤子了?那是我的裤子.你肯定吗?你看到那污斑没有?没有, 我的头在那个位置,刚好什么东西都看不到.天啊, 她没有偷我们的东西, 好吗?你可以不要乱想吗?好吧.她戴着我的胸罩.噢, 老天爷啊.我的粉红色胸罩. 我认得那吊带.那么, 你有没有认出自己发疯了?我有个计划, 好吗?我先走开 而你就去看看她的Bra.我有另一个计划.我不干.本来可以由我来做的但她以为我喜欢上她了.为什么?你没听清楚我刚才说我的头夹在哪里吗?来嘛, 来嘛, 我们方向要一致啊.我们矛头要一致对外.我怕陪审团不会这样想.为我做一次吧?好嘛, 我整天都看到你偷看别的女人的胸部.你看到?你看到?呆...好啦, 好啦, 我明白了但如果她真的偷了胸罩你还会让她清理房间吗?可以, 绝对, 行了吧?听好, 如果那是我的胸罩那么右边的罩杯上应该有个裂口.你应该去买个新的.嗨.她怎样了?情况不大好.噢! 噢... 噢.是啊...呃... 我买了点...bloemen(德语-花之类的意思).你真好人.噢.你要进来跟她道别吗?我肯定她一定会很高兴的.噢, 我不知道会不会呢.不过, 她的记性已经很差了.那好吧.嘿.欢迎你回来.我们可以从刚才我走的时候再开始吗?噢, 我不知道.我还是觉得很疲倦呢.为什么?呃, 因为做爱啊.什么做爱啊?我们做爱啊.我们没有做爱啊.是吗, 如果我没有和你做爱,那我就一定是和一个很象你的...- 呕. 呕.- 噢, 不是吧.- 噢, 不要.- 呕, 呕, 呕.噢, 不, 不, 不, 不.你-你...你和乌苏拉做了?一点点.她-她... 她走进来 我以为是你所以我就亲了她...你没有注意她穿的衣服和我不同的吗?那个, 我看到你兴奋过头了.啊.呕, 呕, 呕!呃!你知道吗?这太怪异了.不, 不, 不是的. 我不想失去你.这就象是我告诉乌苏拉我和她做 但是我以为她是你...不, 太怪异了.那, 我猜我们完了.是呢.或者这样是最好的.你身上的香味很象她.是吗, 你也一样.你在干什么?我在倾斜.这是我倾斜的地方.哦.Brenda, 有只蜜蜂.什么?是啊, 它飞进了衣服里面你最好马上解开纽扣否则它会叮你呢.我知道怎么回事了.你明白?我知道 有个同性恋老婆你一定很难过...但你这样做是不对的.你已是别人的老公了.我完全明白.很好.我可以就看看你的Bra吗?- 嘿.- 嗨.你这裤子哪里来的?你给我的啊.我没有.好啦, 我自己拿的.没所谓啦 反正这裤子的裤裆上有一大块墨迹.噢, 不是吧.那你有拿我的胸罩吗?什么胸罩啊?粉红色有花纹的那个啊.你说你戴着这个?我辞职.应该是吧.这是什么啊?嘿.我只是给你个主意.我们可以在这里摆个屏风那婴儿就可以有点隐私了.,或者搞个能活动的, 盖过围栏.还有, 噢, 你看, 这里有个玩具当孩子出生了我们可以用来对讲.,是吗?噢, 你真是体贴.噢 天啊, 你还给它买了Hugsie!呃...这只是用来指出婴儿睡觉的位置.,还是由我抱回去吧, 免得让你误会.但, 乔伊, 婴儿还是会哭的啊.而且还会哭的很大声.我也很大声啊.让你整夜不能睡.我晚上都不睡的.会让人精疲力尽的.喂喂?那你怎么带女人回家啊?如果我带回家的女人忍受不了婴孩那我也不想和这样的女人交往了.又或者我们可以在CLUB的卫生间里搞定.乔伊, 你肯定了吗?是的.我明白有时候会很辛苦, 呵?但是...那也会非常非常棒.拜托, 瑞秋. 我实在是很想你留下来.我也想留下来.噢...谢谢.乔伊, 看看这个婴儿床.太可爱了.我知道, 我在街上拣来的.你什么...?真的吗?它看来还很新嘛.是啊.哇.哇, 哇, 垫子下面的是什么?不知道呢.在动呢.噢.还动...噢, 有尾巴的!- 快拿它出去啊!- 好!- 拿它出去!- 是, 是, 是, 是.那个...那个老妇人死了.我怎么知道?因为她死前最后一个愿望是一个吻.我不在乎只要你能得到那个房间就可以了.Yes!喔, 是吗.呃... 我想我会留下不搬了.很棒吧?什么...? 你...Aisels!

808 The One With The Stripper

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Rachel: I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, he’s kinda sexy.
Rachel: Oh no, no, I’ll be there too.
Phoebe: Okay so, we’ll just come up with some kind of signal if it’s going well you can take off.
Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for support. I haven’t told him I’m pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: ‘Cause I know he’s gonna flip out and I hate it when he’s angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so ‘Papa don’t preach.’
Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he’d make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Gosh. I’m not gonna let that man make you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I know him.
Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No you don’t!
Rachel: (panicking) No you don’t.
Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! He’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!
Chandler: Her what?!!
Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party…
Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!
Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth. (Pause) Somebody stop me!
Chandler: I thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! Y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
Joey: It’s a grand tradition!
Monica: I’m sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
Rachel: Well you could’ve untied it with your hands.
Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, I wasn’t allowed to. All I got was a stupid steak dinner!
Chandler: You went home with the waitress.
Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
Chandler: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is looking at the menu.]
Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I don’t eat meat.
Dr. Green: It’s chicken.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t eat that either.
Dr. Green: I’ll never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me…what is new with you.
Rachel: Well actually umm…
Waiter: (interrupting) Your ’74 Lafite sir.
Dr. Green: ’74?! I ordered the ’75! That’s a magnificent wine! The ’74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage?! (The waiter’s dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you’re a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn’t wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Don’t be such a baby! (Goes after him)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didn’t notice, that is a scary man.
Phoebe: He’s right though, the ’74 is absolute piss.
Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can’t tell him Phoebe. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
Phoebe: Rachel!
Rachel: No it’s okay, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna wait a couple years and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is the…baby’s problem. (Dr. Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the waiter?
Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
Rachel: Well… Umm, I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: What’s TiVo?
Phoebe: It’s slang for pregnant.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So to sum it up, yeah.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please don’t tell me it’s her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Rachel: No, it’s Ross. It’s Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy, I hope you’re okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. You’re gonna—This is your first grandchild! You’re gonna be a poppy!
Dr. Green: That’s true.
Rachel: Yeah.
Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, I’m gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing) So when is the wedding?
Rachel: Who?
Dr. Green: The wedding! There’s going to be a wedding. Young lady, don’t you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! (Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me there is gonna be a wedding!!
Rachel: February 2^nd!
(Dr. Green exhales in relief.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with Mona.]
Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like you were falling asleep there a little.
Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and y’know take it all in.
Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross: Okay, I-I’ll see you tonight.
Mona: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, bye.
(They kiss and she starts to leave.)
Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. It was amazing! (She leaves.)
Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!
Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now. How’s it going?
Ross: Ah, it’s good. It’s going good. I mean, we get along great. She’s, she’s so…
Joey: Hot?
Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Chandler: She’s okay with Rachel and the baby?
Ross: Well I…I haven’t actually told her yet. I don’t want to scare her off, y’know?
Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones.
Joey: I’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna love me so much! I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!
Chandler: Honey! That’s crazy! I don’t want you to get me a stripper…
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!
Monica: Come on! Come on, it’ll be fun! It’ll make me feel so much better.
Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. Y’know? I’m not a bachelor anymore.
Monica: So don’t think of it as a bachelor party, think of it as a…a two month anniversary present.
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.)
Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!
Chandler: All right fine! But I’m only doing this for you!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: And Joey.
Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do you want to invite?
Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross: Uh actually, sorry I can’t even make it. I’m seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: (on cell phone) I’m sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby…
[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not at the table.]
Phoebe: I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didn’t want him to start yelling at me like I was some ’74 Latour.
Phoebe: It’s Lafite. The ’74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Rachel: All right here he comes. I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna tell him, I’m gonna be strong.
Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.
Rachel: Yeah?
Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?
Rachel: There’s not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.
Dr. Green: What?!
Rachel: I’m sorry daddy.
Dr. Green: I don’t believe this!!
Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.
Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross won’t marry you?! That’s it! Is that it?!
Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says I’m damaged goods.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler’s bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger King paper crown) enjoying a nice product placement of Budweisers on ice.]
Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. Okay? Y’know? Before your wedding. Come on, it’ll be fun.
Chandler: Okay. I can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day.
Joey: How does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Chandler: You’re right, this is more fun.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Joey: That’s her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.)
Stripper: Hi!
Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)
Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Joey: Uh, that-that’s-that’s me!
Chandler: That’s me.
Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.
Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.)
Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there.
Stripper: All right, whenever you’re ready. (She goes into the bedroom.)
Chandler: That was weird.
Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
Stripper: I’m waiting.
(They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.)
Chandler: So she’s a…
Joey: Yeah, that’s one naked hooker!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.]
Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary table.)
Ross: Uh that’s an eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
Mona: Oh wow! So, you’re more than just dinosaurs.
Ross: So much more.
(They start making out and she kicks the eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta off of his apothecary table from the days of yore and the magical city of White Plains.)
Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m so sorry!
Ross: Aw forget it, it’s from Pier One. (There’s an angry knock on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)
Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!!
Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
Ross: Who did?!
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel.
Mona: What?!
Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean…I mean I’m not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
Mona: Wh…
Ross: (To Mona) But I didn’t want to.
Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
Mona: Tramp?!
Ross: I’m sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Chandler: I can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there!
Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do.
Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards the bedroom.) Ma’am, are you also a stripper?
Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. Okay, here’s the extras, handcuffs, spanking… (Chandler grunts for her not to continue and Joey pulls him back into the kitchen.)
Joey: Maybe Monica’s playing a joke on ya. Y’know? Getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny.
Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll murder someone.
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.
Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: Oh actually, I’d rather you…Yeah, go ahead. We’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
Ross: I was going to tell you, but…
Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he’s trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green.) Can I just… (Dr. Green glares at him.) Why don’t we just let the machine get that?
Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It’s Joey. There’s a hooker over here and we thought maybe you’d know something about it.
Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down.
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant’s Kitchen, she’s cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.]
Stu: So, tonight’s the night of the big bachelor party?
Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that girl’s number.
Stu: No problem. So who’s the party for?
Monica: My husband.
Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?
Monica: She’s a stripper.
Stu: No, she’s a hooker.
Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers sometimes?
Stu: When they’re hookers.
Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I can’t believe you did this! Now are you absolutely sure she’s a hooker?
Stu: Either that or she’s just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
(Monica runs out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about the hooker.]
Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Chandler: Why would she do that?
Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something. Huh? Now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually?
Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
Hooker: What’s taking you boys so long?
Joey: In a minute!
Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? What’s gonna happen in a minute?!
Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Chandler: Why me?!
Joey: Hey! It’s your bachelor party.
Chandler: Which is why you should do it.
Joey: I don’t want to. You do it!
Chandler: You do it!
Joey: You do it!
Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What?
Joey: I miss this.
Chandler: I don’t think we’ve actually done this before!
Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you.
Chandler: Well we…we still hang out.
Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Y’know now it’s like…things are different.
Chandler: Well y’know, things are different. I’m…I’m married now.
Joey: Oh sure—And hey, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for you guys. I just…I miss…hanging out…just-just us, y’know?
Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on we’ll make time to hang out with each other.
Joey: You got it. Come here. (They hug and are observed by the hooker.)
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
Monica: (entering quickly) She’s a hooker! She’s a hooker! She’s a… (Stops as she sees her.) Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the hooker’s hand.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are at the counter as Ross enters.]
Ross: So your dad dropped by. He’s a pleasant man!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh no…
Phoebe: I’d better go. (She goes and sits down in the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000, the chair that Sit magazine called chair of the year, and they both look at her.) Just over here: I don’t want to miss the fight.
Rachel: Ross I’m so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail.
Ross: I don’t care about your dad! I care about Mona! She was there and now she’s totally freaked out!
Rachel: Oh okay, I’ll fix that to. What’s her e-mail address?
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: All right, I promise. I’ll fix this. I swear. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll-I’ll talk to her.
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you!
Phoebe: That’s it?! You call that a fight? Come on! "We were on a break!" "No we weren’t!" What happened to you two?!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.]
Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over.
Mona: Oh good, you’re here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I’m so sorry about my father yelling at you, but I heard you totally held your own. You’re gonna have to tell me how you did that.
Ross: Focus.
Rachel: Okay. Um…But—Okay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together.
Mona: How can I be sure on that?
Rachel: Oh we just—we drove each other crazy!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was jealous, he could never just let the little things go!
Ross: Trying to date this woman.
Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
Ross: Probably shouldn’t touch me.
Mona: Y’know, I-I-I just…I don’t want to get in the middle of something so complicated.
Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean we all have our baggage! You must too! Why else would you still be single? (Mona looks at her.) I am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the door for her and she leaves.)
Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?
Mona: I’m not sure yet. Why didn’t you just tell me about all this?
Ross: Because what’s going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me.
Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel’s father. Look I…I made a mistake, but it’s only because I really, really like you. Really!
Mona: Okay, I guess you can…close the door now. (He does so and they kiss.)
Rachel: (entering) Forgot my purse! (Sees them kissing.) Oh, you guys made up. (To Mona) He’s a good kisser isn’t he? (Ross goes to close the door on her.) I’m going! (Quickly leaves and Ross locks the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the bachelor party has ended and Monica is trying to explain herself to Chandler.]
Monica: I swear I didn’t know she was a hooker! I mean wh—Did you let her smoke in here?
Chandler: Her ass print is still on your grandmother’s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?
Monica: Y’know what? I’m gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper (turns on the radio), and you’re gonna get a stripper. (She starts to strip.)
Chandler: Monica! Wait!
Monica: What?
Chandler: (puts on his crown) Carry on.
(She does so by taking off her jacket seductively, only she has trouble getting one hand out and slams the jacket on the chair angrily to remove it.)
Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think I’ll take them off. (Goes to do so.)
Chandler: Could you not narrate?
Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes off and it lands in the kitchen knocking something down, but she continues to strip.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is being yelled at by her dad over the phone, and he’s been going on for so long Rachel is holding the phone away from her ear and reading a book.]
Dr. Green: (on phone) …just because you’re not in love with the guy you can’t…
Phoebe: (entering, quietly) Wow, you told your dad the truth.
Rachel: About an hour ago.
Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie?
Rachel: Yes! (She gets up and sets the phone on the counter without hanging it up.) Bye daddy. (Phoebe and her leave.)
Dr. Green: (on phone, not hearing her) …there’s gonna be a wedding! (Joey enters from his room and goes to get a beer from the fridge.) That’s unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! There are more important things in a marriage other than love! (Joey hears something and looks around for the source.) …constantly thinking about things! You have to think about the consequences of your decision. (Joey finds that the sound is coming from the phone and puts it to his ear.)
Joey: (on phone) Hey! I do too think about the consequences of my decisions! (Listens) What gives you the right to… (Listens) Go to hell! (Hangs up the phone and opens the fridge.) Stupid guy on my phone.
End