1.Ode to Cigarettes

2.I hate being a non-smoker.

3.It is so boring!

4.It occurred to me the other day

5.that I really would be a lot happier if I smoked.

6.When someone says “good morning” to me,

7.I cannot just ignore him or her and go have a smoke.

8.In fact, I seldom get an extra break in my workday.

9.I cannot stop what I’m doing to have a quick cigarette.

10.I do not get to go outside and hang around

11.talking to the other smokers at regular intervals

12.on the pretense that I’m having nicotine fit.

13.I’m not able to use nicotine as an excuse for my bad temper in the morning.

14.If my nerves are jittery,

15.I must have some sort of psychological problem.

16.I cannot say it is because I have not had a cigarette.

17.I can’t even go to the psychologist

18.and pretend it is for “help to stop smoking.”

19.I do not have anything to hold in my hand to calm my nerves.

20.I do not get the satisfaction of throwing my butts down for others to clean up.

21.No one praises me for trying to quit —

22.because I never smoked in the first place.

23.I do not have an excuse to buy new furniture

24.because I accidentally make a burn mark on something.

25.The candles on my birthday cake smoke more than I do.

26.I don’t have to sit in the smoking section at a restaurant —

27.and so I am always in the family section with people who have their kids along.

28.At the theater, I do not have a reason to go out to the lobby during intermissions.

29.I never have an excuse to get out of the house

30.and run to the store for a package of cigarettes.

31.Yes, smokers are much happier people.

32.If it were just not for that nagging little question about cancer,

33
I’d smoke too.