Or perhaps his smile was his way of countering my reading tit for tat with the unstated suggestion that, much as he’d been caught trying to affect total casualness on the face of his offer, he too had found something to smile about in me—namely, the shrewd, devious, guilty pleasure I derived in finding so many imperceptible affinities between us. There may have been nothing there, and I might have invented the whole thing. But both of us knew what the other had seen. That evening, as we biked to the movie theater, I was—and I didn’t care to hide it—riding on air.
或者他的微笑可能是他以自己的方式以牙还牙地反制我的解读，心照不宣地暗示：如同我识破他企图若无其事提出邀约的表象，他也发现我因为明白彼此有这么多难以察觉的相似点而获得那种精明、狡猾、罪恶的乐趣这点，觉得实在令人莞尔。这一切或许都不是真的，只是我无中生有的想象，但我们俩都知道对方看到了什么。当晚，我们骑车去戏院时，我开心得像是飞翔在云端，而且一点儿也无意隐藏这样的心情。
So, with so much insight, would he not have noticed the meaning behind my abrupt shrinking away from his hand? Not notice that I’d leaned into his grip? Not know that I didn’t want him to let go of me? Not sense that when he started massaging me, my inability to relax was my last refuge, my last defense, my last pretense, that I had by no means resisted, that mine was fake resistance, that I was incapable of resisting and would never want to resist, no matter what he did or asked me to do? Not know, as I sat on my bed that Sunday afternoon when no one was home except for the two of us and watched him enter my room and ask me why I wasn’t with the others at the beach, that if I refused to answer and simply shrugged my shoulders under his gaze, it was simply so as not to show that I couldn’t gather sufficient breath to speak, that if I so much as let out a sound it might be to utter a desperate confession or a sob—one or the other? Never, since childhood, had anyone brought me to such a pass. Bad allergy, I’d said. Me too, he replied. We probably have the same one. Again I shrugged my shoulders. He picked up my old teddy bear in one hand, turned its face toward him, and whispered something into its ear. Then, turning the teddy’s face to me and altering his voice, asked, “What’s wrong? You’re upset.” By then he must have noticed the bathing suit I was wearing. Was I wearing it lower than was decent? “Want to go for a swim?” he asked. “Later, maybe,” I said, echoing his word but also trying to say as little as possible before he’d spot I was out of breath. “Let’s go now.” He extended his hand to help me get up. I grabbed it and, turning on my side facing the wall away from him to prevent him from seeing me, I asked, “Must we?” This was the closest I would ever come to saying, Stay. Just stay with me. Let your hand travel wherever it wishes, take my suit off, take me, I won’t make a noise, won’t tell a soul, I’m hard and you know it, and if you won’t, I’ll take that hand of yours and slip it into my suit now and let you put as many fingers as you want inside me.
He wouldn’t have picked up on any of this?
既然他那么善于察言观色，又怎么可能没注意我为何唐突地躲开他双手的抚触？怎么可能没注意到我已投身在他的掌握中？怎么可能不明白我不希望他放开我？怎么可能没察觉他替我按摩时，我僵硬的身体是最后的避难所、我最后的反抗、我最后的伪装，而我无论如何也不会抗拒，我只是假装在抵抗，事实上我已经无力抗拒也不想抗拒，无论他做什么、或要我做什么？那个周日下午，除了我们俩之外没人在家，当我坐在床上，看着他走进我房间，问我怎么没跟其他人去海边而我没有回答，只是在他的凝视下耸了耸肩——他怎么可能不知道那只不过是为了隐藏我已经无法鼓足气力说话的事实，只要我发出一点声音，恐怕就会不顾一切向他告白，或者禁不住啜泣不止？从小到大，从来没人让我陷入这样的困境。我拿过敏当借口。他说他也是，我们或许有同样的毛病。我又耸了耸肩。他一手抓起我的泰迪熊，把熊的脸转向自己，在布偶耳边低语几句，接着把泰迪熊的脸转向我，变了声音问道：“怎么回事？你心情不好？”他一定注意到我只穿着泳裤——我的裤腰是否太低了？“想去游泳吗？”他问。“回头再说，或许吧。”我模仿他的措辞，也想在他发现我呼吸困难之前尽量少说话。“我们现在去吧。”他伸手要扶我站起来。我抓住他的手起身，却转身面对墙，避开他的视线。“非去不可吗？”这已经最接近我想说的。别去。留在这里陪我。任你的手随意抚触你想碰的地方；脱掉我的泳裤，占有我。我不会发出一丝声音，不会告诉任何人……
他什么也没察觉吗？
或者他的微笑可能是他以自己的方式以牙还牙地反制我的解读，心照不宣地暗示：如同我识破他企图若无其事提出邀约的表象，他也发现我因为明白彼此有这么多难以察觉的相似点而获得那种精明、狡猾、罪恶的乐趣这点，觉得实在令人莞尔。这一切或许都不是真的，只是我无中生有的想象，但我们俩都知道对方看到了什么。当晚，我们骑车去戏院时，我开心得像是飞翔在云端，而且一点儿也无意隐藏这样的心情。
So, with so much insight, would he not have noticed the meaning behind my abrupt shrinking away from his hand? Not notice that I’d leaned into his grip? Not know that I didn’t want him to let go of me? Not sense that when he started massaging me, my inability to relax was my last refuge, my last defense, my last pretense, that I had by no means resisted, that mine was fake resistance, that I was incapable of resisting and would never want to resist, no matter what he did or asked me to do? Not know, as I sat on my bed that Sunday afternoon when no one was home except for the two of us and watched him enter my room and ask me why I wasn’t with the others at the beach, that if I refused to answer and simply shrugged my shoulders under his gaze, it was simply so as not to show that I couldn’t gather sufficient breath to speak, that if I so much as let out a sound it might be to utter a desperate confession or a sob—one or the other? Never, since childhood, had anyone brought me to such a pass. Bad allergy, I’d said. Me too, he replied. We probably have the same one. Again I shrugged my shoulders. He picked up my old teddy bear in one hand, turned its face toward him, and whispered something into its ear. Then, turning the teddy’s face to me and altering his voice, asked, “What’s wrong? You’re upset.” By then he must have noticed the bathing suit I was wearing. Was I wearing it lower than was decent? “Want to go for a swim?” he asked. “Later, maybe,” I said, echoing his word but also trying to say as little as possible before he’d spot I was out of breath. “Let’s go now.” He extended his hand to help me get up. I grabbed it and, turning on my side facing the wall away from him to prevent him from seeing me, I asked, “Must we?” This was the closest I would ever come to saying, Stay. Just stay with me. Let your hand travel wherever it wishes, take my suit off, take me, I won’t make a noise, won’t tell a soul, I’m hard and you know it, and if you won’t, I’ll take that hand of yours and slip it into my suit now and let you put as many fingers as you want inside me.
He wouldn’t have picked up on any of this?
既然他那么善于察言观色，又怎么可能没注意我为何唐突地躲开他双手的抚触？怎么可能没注意到我已投身在他的掌握中？怎么可能不明白我不希望他放开我？怎么可能没察觉他替我按摩时，我僵硬的身体是最后的避难所、我最后的反抗、我最后的伪装，而我无论如何也不会抗拒，我只是假装在抵抗，事实上我已经无力抗拒也不想抗拒，无论他做什么、或要我做什么？那个周日下午，除了我们俩之外没人在家，当我坐在床上，看着他走进我房间，问我怎么没跟其他人去海边而我没有回答，只是在他的凝视下耸了耸肩——他怎么可能不知道那只不过是为了隐藏我已经无法鼓足气力说话的事实，只要我发出一点声音，恐怕就会不顾一切向他告白，或者禁不住啜泣不止？从小到大，从来没人让我陷入这样的困境。我拿过敏当借口。他说他也是，我们或许有同样的毛病。我又耸了耸肩。他一手抓起我的泰迪熊，把熊的脸转向自己，在布偶耳边低语几句，接着把泰迪熊的脸转向我，变了声音问道：“怎么回事？你心情不好？”他一定注意到我只穿着泳裤——我的裤腰是否太低了？“想去游泳吗？”他问。“回头再说，或许吧。”我模仿他的措辞，也想在他发现我呼吸困难之前尽量少说话。“我们现在去吧。”他伸手要扶我站起来。我抓住他的手起身，却转身面对墙，避开他的视线。“非去不可吗？”这已经最接近我想说的。别去。留在这里陪我。任你的手随意抚触你想碰的地方；脱掉我的泳裤，占有我。我不会发出一丝声音，不会告诉任何人……
他什么也没察觉吗？
