The Most Historically Inaccurate Movies Ⅱ
Memoirs of a Geisha
The geisha coming-of-age, was really more of a makeover,
where she changed her hairstyle and clothes.
It didn't involve her getting intimate with a client.
In the climactic scene where Sayuri wows
Gion patrons with her dancing prowess,
her routine—which involves some platform shoes,
fake snow, and a strobe light—
seems more like a Studio 54 drag show
than anything in pre-war Kyoto.
Brave Heart
Let's forget the fact that kilts weren't born
in Scotland until about 300 years after William Wallace's day
and just do some simple math. According to the movie,
Wallace's blue-eyed charm at the Battle of Falkirk
was so overpowering, he seduced King Edward II's wife,
Isabella of France, and the result of their affair was Edward III.
But according to the history books,
Isabella was three years old at the time of Falkirk,
and Edward III was born seven years after Wallace died.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
In 1585, when the movie takes place,
Queen Elizabeth was 52 years old—
Cate Blanchett was 36 when she shot the film—
and was not being courted by suitors like Ivan the Terrible
who was dead by then. And though the movie
has her rallying the troops at Tilbury astride
a white steed in full armor with a sword,
in fact she rode side saddle, carrying a baton.
She was more of a regal majorette than Joan of Arc.
The Patriot
Revolutionary War figure Francis Marion “The Swamp Fox”
was the basis for Mel Gibson's character,
but he wasn't the forward-thinking family man
they show in the flick. He was a slave owner
who didn't get married (to his cousin) until
after the war was over. Historians also say
that he actively persecuted and murdered native Cherokees.
Plus, the thrilling Battle of Guilford Court House
where he vanquishes his British enemy?
In reality, the Americans lost that one.
2001: A Space Odyssey
According to this film, in year 2001
we would have had manned voyages to Jupiter,
a battle of wits with a sentient computer,
and a quantum leap in human evolution.
Instead we got the Mir Space Station falling from the sky,
Windows XP, and Freddy got fingered.
Apparently the lesson here is that sometimes
it's better when the movies get the facts all wrong.