第三十五章 心痛
第三十五章 心痛
无论劳里有何种动机，那一年，反正他的学习突飞猛进，毕业时成绩斐然，拉丁语演说，竟然跟菲利普斯[1]那样悠扬流畅，像狄摩斯梯尼[2]那样滔滔不绝，这都是他朋友的说法。他们都在现场亲眼目睹，他的爷爷——啊，真感到自豪！——当然，还有马奇夫妇，约翰、美格夫妇，以及乔和贝丝。他们都为他欢呼雀跃，感到由衷的钦佩。当时，男孩子一般对此殊荣都不屑一顾，然而日后要在世上获得这样功成名就却是做不到了。
“我只能留下吃那顿短命的晚宴，明天一大早会赶回家。姑娘们，你们会像以往那样接我吗？”劳里一边问，一边把小姑娘一个接一个搀扶进车厢。一天的欢庆已经结束了。他喊着“姑娘们”，心里指的却是乔，唯一遵循老规矩的姑娘。对于她那人品好、事业成功的男孩，她一向有求必应，所以态度热情地回答：
“特迪，我会来的，风雨无阻，在前面开路，单簧口琴吹《向凯旋英雄欢呼》。”
劳里看了她一眼以表谢意。她心里为之一阵惊恐不安。“唉，天哪！我知道他要开口了，我该怎么办呢？”
经过夜间的思考和上午的工作，乔心里的恐慌减轻了，并且断定自己不会虚荣透顶，认为别人会向她求婚。她已经给了他们充分的理由，可以了解她的回答会是什么。于是，她按照预定的时间出发了，希望特迪不会轻举妄动，让她去伤害他那脆弱的情感。她在美格家坐了一会儿，呷了几杯清香提神的戴茜和戴米饮料之后，进一步增强了与特迪面对面交谈的底气。但是，她看见远处模糊的健壮身影后，却巴不得转身就逃了。
“乔，单簧口琴在哪里？”劳里走近对方能听见的范围，就嚷道。
“忘记带了。”乔又鼓足了勇气。这样打招呼，就称不上情人见面了。
以往，乔在这种场合总是挽着他的胳膊，这次却没有。但劳里并没有抱怨，这可是一个不好的征兆。当时，劳里一个劲地谈论天南地北的风情逸事，从大道走进了小路。那条小路穿过一片树丛，通往家里。此刻，他走得越来越慢，后来，突然不再谈笑风生了，并且不时出现难堪的停顿。眼看不断陷入沉默的陷阱，乔为了救场，急切地说道：“这下，你必须好好来一个长假了！”
“有此打算。”
劳里语气坚定，乔不由迅速抬头看了看他，发现他正低头看着自己，那表情让她确信，可怕的时候来了。她伸出手，恳求道：“不，特迪，别这样！”
“就要这样，你得听我说。否则，是无济于事的。乔，我们的事必须挑明了，越快越好，这样对双方都好。”他说话时，面色涨红，情绪激动。
“那么，就说说你的打算吧。我洗耳恭听。”乔被逼无奈，所以只有豁出去了。
劳里是个青涩的情郎，但他情真意切，确实想把事情挑明，哪怕要他的命。所以，他还是那样急躁地单刀直入，但嗓音时不时地哽咽起来，尽管作为男子汉，他也想努力把话说得顺畅：
“我对你可是一见倾心，一往情深啊，乔。我情不自禁的，你对我一直那么铁。我曾想表白，但你不让我说。现在，我要说给你听，请给我一个答复，我实在不能再这样下去了。”
“我是想让你省省别说了。我以为你理解——”乔开口道，不禁觉得事情的难度远远超乎自己所料。
“我知道是这样。但是，姑娘们的心都难以捉摸，永远搞不清她们的意思。说不行，往往意味着可以，把男人折腾得魂飞魄散，从中取乐。”劳里以不可否认的事实作为防御工事，振振有词地说道。
“我可不是这样，从来不想让你爱上我。我总是尽量走开，让你不去想它。”
“我也这样认为。你就是这么一个人，这是无济于事的。我反而爱你爱得更深了，我努力学习是为了讨好你。我不打台球了，凡是你不喜欢的，我都放弃。耐心等待，从不埋怨。因为，我希望你是爱我的，尽管我离优秀还差得远——”说到这儿，他情不自禁地哽咽了。他折断了几根毛茛枝条，清了清短命的嗓子。
“不，你很优秀的。对我来说真是太优秀了，我感激不尽，为你而感到自豪，真的喜欢你。我无法想象，为什么不能如你所愿地爱你。我努力过，但无法改变自己的感情。如果我口是心非，那可就是骗人了。”“乔，真的吗？千真万确？”
劳里顿住，握着她的双手，问话时的神情，乔是不会立刻忘记的。
“是真的，千真万确，乖乖。”
此时此刻，他俩走在树丛里，已经靠近跨篱笆的台阶。乔说得慢吞吞的，刚说完，劳里便丢下她的手，转过身想继续往前走，但是，毕生第一次篱笆变得无法逾越了。于是，他将头靠在长了苔藓的栏柱上，僵立着，可把乔给吓坏了。
“哦，特迪，对不起，真的对不起。假如事情能够挽回，我宁可以死相搏的！希望你不会这么想不开，我实在没办法啊。你知道，要强迫自己爱一个不爱的人是办不到的。”乔尽管心里悔恨，却生硬地诉说着，一边轻轻地拍了拍他的肩膀，回想起当年他是这么安慰自己的。
“有时候是可以强迫的呀。”栏柱边传来沉闷的嗓音。
“我认为这种爱情是不对的，我宁可不去尝试。”回答是斩钉截铁的。
一阵长时间的沉默。河边的柳树上传来一阵乌鸫欢快的叫声，高高的青草在风中发出刷刷的声响。后来，乔坐在篱笆的台阶上，严肃地说：“劳里，我想告诉你一件事。”
他一怔，似乎中了一枪，将头一扬，声嘶力竭地喊道：“别跟我说那个，乔，现在我受不了！”
“说什么呢？”乔问道，对他的怒吼感到迷惑不解。
“说你爱那个老头。”
“什么老头？”乔问道，心想他一定是在指他的祖父。
“那个恶魔似的教授，你写信总爱提到他。如果你说爱他，我肯定会铤而走险的。”劳里说话时，紧握拳头，眼露凶光，似乎说话算数的。
乔真想笑，但忍住了。她也很激动，暴躁地说：“特迪，不要骂人！他既不老，也不坏，是一位好人，是我最好的一位朋友，但仅次于你啊。恳求你别发脾气了，我想友善一点，但是，我知道，如果你骂我的教授，我会发怒的。爱他或爱其他什么人，我根本没有想到过啊。”
“但是，你以后会的，那我会落得怎么下场呢？”
“你也会爱上别人的，也做个明智的男孩，忘记这些烦恼。”
“我无法爱上别人，永远不会忘记你，乔。永远都不会的！”他一边说，一边跺了跺脚，加强语气的激昂。
“我该拿他怎么办呢？”乔叹息道，觉得情感这样东西比想象的要难以驾驭，“你还没有听我想告诉你的话呢。坐下来听我讲，我确实想说清楚，让你开心。”她解释道，希望能够凭理智来宽慰他，但这恰恰证明她一点儿都不懂爱情。
劳里从最后那句话中听出了一线希望，便在她脚边的草地上坐下，将胳膊靠在篱笆底部的台阶上。他抬起头，满怀期望地望着她。这种姿势，对于乔来说，想说一些平静的话，想保持头脑清醒，就很不方便了。因为男朋友在深情地望着自己，目光充满了渴望的神情，况且，由于她铁石心肠，他的睫毛仍然带着泪珠的湿润，这样，她怎么能够开口绝情呢？她轻柔地转过他的头，抚摸着那一头为她而留的波浪式头发——哎，多么感人哪！——说道：
“我同意妈妈的看法，你我并不般配，因为，我俩爱发脾气，个性很强，这大概会搞得很惨的，假如我俩愚蠢透顶，去——”说到这最后一句话，乔停顿了一会儿。但是，劳里接过话，欣喜若狂地说了出来。
“结婚——不，不会那样惨的！如果你爱我，我会成为一位完美无缺的圣徒，因为，你能随心所欲地塑造我的。”
“不，我做不到。我做过努力，但未成功。我不想通过这么严肃的尝试，拿我俩的幸福冒险。我俩意见不合，而且永远都不合，所以，我俩终生都是好朋友，但我们不会草率行事的。”
“会的，如果有机会，我们会的。”劳里不服气地咕哝道。
“请你理智一点，考虑情况理性些。”乔恳求说，几乎理屈词穷了。
“我不会理智的，也不会吃你‘理性考虑’这一套，这对我没有用，只能使你变得更加狠心。我认为你没心没肺的。”
“但愿如此！”
这时，乔的嗓音有一点颤抖。劳里认为是一个好征兆，便转过身，竭尽全力，以空前耸人听闻的谄媚口吻劝道：“乖乖，可别让我们失望啊！大家都在期盼这件事。爷爷早已把它挂在心上了。你家的人都喜欢，我可离不开你呀。你就同意了吧，让我们幸福起来吧。快呀，来吧！”
乔是在几个月之后才懂得，她拥有坚强的毅力，才坚持住己见，决意断定自己并不爱她的男孩，而且永远都无法爱。做出这种抉择是很艰难的，可是她做到了。她明白，拖延下去是没有用的，而且也是残酷的。
“我不能发自内心地说‘同意’，所以根本不会说的。你慢慢会明白，我是对的，以后，你会为此而感谢我的——”乔神情肃穆地说。
“如果谢你，那我该死！”劳里从草地上蹦了起来，一听就感到气愤极了。
“不对，你会的！”乔一口咬定地说，“过一阵，你会缓过劲来的，然后，去找一位才貌双全的姑娘，她会爱慕你的，在你豪宅中成为称职的主妇。但是，我做不到。我相貌平平，动作笨，脾气怪，年龄大，你会为我而感到羞愧的。于是，我俩就会吵架——你看，甚至现在都忍不住了。我可不喜欢上流社会，但是，你喜欢。你会讨厌我写东西，可我不写就活不下去。这样，我俩会得不到幸福的，接着，就悔不当初，最后，一切都会遭殃了！”
“还有呢？”劳里问道，感到难以耐心地倾听这种预言式的滔滔评议。
“说完了，但我认为自己永远都不会嫁人。我独自一人很快活，我太喜欢这种自由，不会匆匆忙忙地为了一位凡人而将其抛弃。”
“不敢苟同！”劳里插话，“你现在这样想，但是，总有一天，会喜欢上某人，然后，你深深地爱上他，生死相托的。我知道，你会这样做的。这是你的德行，旁观者清，我倒要拭目以待。”这位气急败坏的情郎将帽子往地上一扔，那个手势如果不是他那张悲剧面孔，倒会有喜剧效果。
“是啊，我会生死相托的，假如他出现，让我不得不爱上他，你得好自为之啊！”乔大声地说道，对可怜的特迪不耐烦了，“我已经倾注了全力，可是你并不理智，还一个劲地逗我，强求于我，真是太自私了。作为朋友，我会一直喜欢你，真的好喜欢。但是，我绝不会嫁给你。你明白得越早，我俩就越好过——就这样！”
这话就像火药点了火，脱口而出。劳里望了望乔，一时不知如何是好。后来，他猛然转身，声嘶力竭地喊道：“乔，你总有一天会后悔的。”
“唉，你去哪儿呀？”乔大声地问道。他的脸色吓了她一跳。
“去见鬼！”他的回答真是令人欣慰。
乔听了不禁一怔。劳里冲下河岸，朝着河边飞快地走去。可让年轻人就这样去寻短见横死，需要极度的愚蠢、痛苦或者罪孽。劳里可不是那种软弱无能的人，一次失败就被打倒。他并不想夸张地纵身跳进河里，而是鬼使神差地将衣帽扔进船，奋力划船，划得比比赛时都要快。乔深深地吸了一口气，松开握紧的双手，望着可怜的小伙子力图摆脱心中的苦恼。
“这样对他有好处。回家后，他会温柔平和，悔悟一番的，届时我可不敢见他了。”乔说。在缓步回家的路上，觉得自己仿佛谋杀了一个无辜者，然后埋尸荒草下，就补充说：“现在，我得去见劳伦斯先生，请他好好对待我的这位可怜朋友。我希望他是爱贝丝的，或许到时候会的，但是，我开始觉得自己错怪了她。哎呀呀！女孩子怎么能够又去找情郎，又将其拒绝呢？我看真是太糟糕了。”
乔坚信，这件事谁都干得没有她漂亮。于是，她直接去见劳伦斯先生，坚强地讲述了那段难以启齿的故事，说完之后，便崩溃了，哭得很凄惨，埋怨自己太过分，不讲情面。结果，尽管劳伦斯这位好心的老先生听了之后很失望，但没有说一句指责的话。他觉得不可思议的是，居然有女孩可以不爱上劳里的，所以希望乔回心转意。但是，他比乔更加明白，爱是不能强勉的。这时，他悲伤地摇了摇头，决心帮孙子脱险。因为，劳里年轻气盛，跟乔分手时说的那些话，对他产生的震动很大，尽管他不肯承认。
劳里回到家之后，筋疲力尽，但神智镇静。爷爷迎接他，装作一点儿都不知情，而且装得很成功，长达一两个小时之久。后来，他俩一起坐在暮色中，这一直是令他俩心旷神怡的时刻。但是，这一次，老人家却觉得难以跟以往一样天南地北地侃侃而谈了，而小伙子更难以听进那些表扬他去年成功的话。对于他来说，那些成功现在仿佛是莎士比亚演绎过的爱的徒劳。他耐住性子，听了一会儿，便走到钢琴旁边弹奏起来。屋子的窗户开着，恰巧乔和贝丝在花园里散步。这一下，乔听到琴声，感悟就比妹妹都深刻了。劳里是在弹奏贝多芬的《悲怆奏鸣曲》，而且弹得比以往都动听。
“可以说，弹得真是太好听了，可是太伤心了，让人听了就想落泪。小伙子，弹一曲欢快的吧。”劳伦斯先生说道。他那颗善良的心充满了同情，很想表示表示。但是，一下子却不知从何做起。
劳里迅速弹起了欢快的曲调，节奏猛烈，达数分钟。本来他可以鼓足勇气弹完的，这时，短暂的间歇里却传来了马奇太太的喊声：“乔，乖乖，进来吧。我需要你。”
这正是劳里的心里话，当然，含义不同罢了！听到这句话之后，他弹得走了调，琴声戛然止住，而琴师则默默地坐在黑暗中。
“我忍受不下去了。”爷爷喃喃低语。他站起身，摸索着走向钢琴，友善地将双手搭在劳里厚实的肩膀上，用慈母般的口气说道：“孩子，我都明白了。”
沉寂了片刻，劳里突然问道：“谁告诉你的？”
“是乔自己。”
“那，都结束了！”劳里不耐烦地抖落了爷爷的手。他尽管对爷爷的同情很是感激，但是，男子汉的自尊心使得他难以承受男人的怜悯。
“不见得。我有一句话要说，说完之后，一切就结束了。”劳伦斯先生以非同寻常的和蔼口吻答道，“或许，你现在不想待在家里吧？”
“我不打算逃避一个女孩。乔不能不让我见到她，我就住在这儿，爱住多久，就住多久。”劳里以挑衅的口气插话。
“假如你是我眼里的那种绅士，就不要这样。我也很失望，但是对那姑娘已经无能为力了。现在，你唯一能够做的事情，就是出门一阵子。你想去哪儿？”
“任何一个地方。我不在乎自己下场如何。”劳里站了起来，满不在乎地放声大笑，十分刺耳，爷爷听了发憷。
“处理这件事，要像个男子汉。看在上帝的分上，切不可鲁莽。何不按计划出国，忘了它呢？”
“我不能。”
“但是，你一直痴痴地想往外跑。我答应过你，读完大学让你出国。”
“啊，并没有打算独自一人出国的！”劳里一边说，一边快步走进房间。说话时的那种表情，幸亏爷爷没有看见。
“不是叫你一个人走。有人乐意跟你一块儿出国，浪迹天涯海角。”
“是谁，老爷？”他停下来倾听。
“是我呀。”
劳里立即转身回过来，伸出手，嗓音嘶哑地说：“我真是个自私的野蛮人，可是——你知道——爷爷——”
“上帝保佑！是的，我是知道的。以前我经历过这一切的，一次是我还年轻时，后来是和你父亲的事情。哎，乖孩子，给我安静地坐着，听听我的安排。一切已经准备就绪，立刻就能执行。”劳伦斯先生解释道。他一直握着劳里的手，似乎生怕他像父亲当年那样，挣脱后逃之夭夭。
“好吧，老爷，什么安排呀？”劳里无动于衷地坐下，他的表情和声音都表明他不感兴趣。
“伦敦有生意需要照看。我原来的意思是让你去处理，当然，我去解决会更好。这儿的事情由布鲁克管着，会顺顺利利的。我的合伙人几乎包揽了一切。我只是坚持到你来接班，任何时候都可以交班的。”
“可是，你并不喜欢旅行，老爷。你这把年纪了，我可不能强求啊。”劳里说道。对于爷爷的自我牺牲精神，他很感激，但是，要走的话，他宁可独自去。
老先生早已看透了他的心思，便想方设法加以劝阻。劳里的情绪使他明白，让孙子自行其是是很不明智的。于是，他明知出门之后不如家里舒服，却按下了遗憾的情绪，口气坚决地说道：“嗨哟哟，好孙孙，我还没有老掉牙嘛。我对于这个计划很满意，这对身体会有好处的，我这把老骨头是不会累坏的，现在外出旅行，就像坐在家里的椅子上一样轻松自在啊。”
这时，劳里坐在椅子上不安地挪动着身子。这表明，他的椅子并不舒服，或者说，他可不喜欢旅行安排。这不禁使老人赶快补充说：“我不想瞎掺和，也不想成为累赘。我一起外出，是因为我认为，我若留在家，你反而不愉快。我并不打算与你一块闲逛，而是让你爱去哪儿，就去哪儿，我会自得其乐的。我在伦敦、巴黎都有朋友，想去探望他们。期间，你可以去意大利、德国、瑞士，随便你选择，去欣赏绘画，聆听音乐，欣赏风景，体验冒险的行程，玩个够。”
先前，劳里觉得心都完全碎了，外面的世界如一片荒野。但听了爷爷最后那句巧妙的话语，他那颗破碎的心不禁为之震颤，原先头脑中那片陌生而荒芜的世界，骤然展现出几块绿洲来。他叹了一口气，然后淡漠地说道：“老爷，随意啦。我去哪儿，去干啥，都无所谓。”
“可是，孩子，请记住，我有所谓的呀。我给你完全的行动自由，拜托你能够诚实地加以利用。劳里，答应我，这些你都能做到。”
“老爷，随你。”
“很好。”老先生想道，“你现在不在乎，但日后那个许诺可以使你免得淘气，否则，算我看错人。”
劳伦斯先生是一个精力充沛的人，所以，他趁热打铁，不等垂头丧气的小子缓过气来就反扑，他们出发了。后来，准备行装的时候，劳里的举止又恢复到失恋年轻人的常态，喜怒无常，一会儿脾气暴躁，一会儿忧郁寡言，而且，食不甘味，衣着散乱，把大部分时间都花在钢琴上，净弹奏一些节奏猛烈的曲调。他在躲避乔，但却又通过窗户凝视着她，这样，心里感到宽慰一点。夜间，劳里那悲怆面容使乔梦魂萦绕。白天，则使她深感内疚。劳里跟一般的痴情人不同。他从不提起自己失恋，也不愿意让别人，甚至不让马奇太太安抚自己，或者表示同情。为此，他的朋友们知情后，倒觉得一阵轻松，只是劳里出发前的几周令人十分难熬。所以，听说可爱的可怜家伙要出门去忘却忧愁，再欢乐回家时，大家都很开心的。当然，对于他们的误解，劳里仅仅狡黠地笑了笑。他就像一个态度清高、内心酸楚的徇情者，对于爱情坚贞不屈。
动身出发时，劳里装出一副兴高采烈的样子，故意掩饰内心忐忑不安的情绪，但似乎老是露馅。别人并不理会他的轻松神态，但表面上装作深受鼓舞给他看。他表现得挺不错，直到马奇太太亲吻他。马奇太太在他耳边嘀咕，充满了慈母般的关切。后来，劳里知道马上就要上路了，便匆忙和大家拥抱，包括伤心的汉娜。接着，他拼命地跑下了楼。乔跟在他身后，要是他转过身，就朝他挥手。他果然转身回来了，伸出双手去搂抱上一格台阶上面的她，仰望着她，那脸色使他的短暂恳求既信誓旦旦，又哀婉动人。
“唉，乔，你就不能？”
“特迪，乖乖，但愿能够做到！”
除了短暂的停顿之外，送别就这样过去了。当时，劳里挺了挺身子，对大家说道：“好了，别在意。”他二话没说，转身就走了。啊，其实并不好呀，乔确实在牵肠挂肚。因为，她狠心回绝后，他的鬈发脑袋一度靠在她胳膊上。她心里觉得，好像用刀刺杀了心爱的朋友。当劳里头都不回地离开她时，她明白，男孩劳里永远不会回来了。
* * *
[1]当时的美国改革家、演说家（1811—1884）。
[2]雅典雄辩家（公元前384—322）。
CHAPTER 35 HEARTACHE
CHAPTER 35 HEARTACHE
WHATEVER HIS MOTIVE might have been, Laurie studied to some purpose that year, for he graduated with honor, and gave the Latin oration with the grace of a Phillips and the eloquence of a Demosthenes, so his friends said. They were all there, his grandfather—oh, so proud! —Mr. and Mrs. March, John and Meg, Jo and Beth, and all exulted over him with the sincere admiration which boys make light of at the time, but fail to win from the world by any after-triumphs.
“I've got to stay for this confounded supper, but I shall be home early tomorrow. You'll come and meet me as usual, girls? ” Laurie said, as he put the sisters into the carriage after the joys of the day were over. He said “girls”, but he meant Jo, for she was the only one who kept up the old custom. She had not the heart to refuse her splendid, successful boy anything, and answered warmly—
“I'll come,Teddy,rain or shine,and march before you,playing‘Hail the conquering hero comes, 'on a jew's-harp.”
Laurie thanked her with a look that made her think in a sudden panic,“Oh, deary me! I know he'll say something, and then what shall I do? ”
Evening meditation and morning work somewhat allayed her fears, and having decided that she wouldn't be vain enough to think people were going to propose when she had given them every reason to know what her answer would be, she set forth at the appointed time, hoping Teddy wouldn't do anything to make her hurt his poor feelings. A call at Meg's, and a refreshing sniff and sip at the Daisy and Demijohn, still further fortified her for the tête-à-tête, but when she saw a stalwart figure looming in the distance, she had a strong desire to turn about and run away.
“Where's the jew's-harp, Jo? ” cried Laurie, as soon as he was within speaking distance.
“I forgot it.” And Jo took heart again, for that salutation could not be called loverlike.
She always used to take his arm on these occasions, now she did not, and he made no complaint, which was a bad sign, but talked on rapidly about all sorts of faraway subjects, till they turned from the road into the little path that led homeward through the grove. Then he walked more slowly, suddenly lost his fine flow of language, and now and then a dreadful pause occurred. To rescue the conversation from one of the wells of silence into which it kept falling, Jo said hastily, “Now you must have a good long holiday! ”
“I intend to.”
Something in his resolute tone made Jo look up quickly to find him looking down at her with an expression that assured her the dreaded moment had come, and made her put out her hand with an imploring, “No, Teddy. Please don't! ”
“I will,and you must hear me.It's no use,Jo,we've got to have it out, and the sooner the better for both of us, ” he answered, getting flushed and excited all at once.
“Say what you like then. I'll listen, ” said Jo, with a desperate sort of patience.
Laurie was a young lover, but he was in earnest, and meant to “have it out, ” if he died in the attempt, so he plunged into the subject with characteristic impetuousity,saying in a voice that would get choky now and then, in spite of manful efforts to keep it steady—
“I've loved you ever since I've known you, Jo, couldn't help it, you've been so good to me. I've tried to show it, but you wouldn't let me. Now I'm going to make you hear, and give me an answer, for I can't go on so any longer.”
“I wanted to save you this. I thought you'd understand—” began Jo, finding it a great deal harder than she expected.
“I know you did, but the girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it, ” returned Laurie, entrenching himself behind an undeniable fact.
“I don't. I never wanted to make you care for me so, and I went away to keep you from it if I could.”
“I thought so. It was like you, but it was no use. I only loved you all the more, and I worked hard to please you, and I gave up billiards and everything you didn't like, and waited and never complained, for I hoped you'd love me, though I'm not half good enough.” Here there was a choke that couldn't be controlled, so he decapitated buttercups while he cleared his “confounded throat”.
“You, you are, you're a great deal too good for me, and I'm so grateful to you, and so proud and fond of you, I don't know why I can't love you as you want me to. I've tried, but I can't change the feeling, and it would be a lie to say I do when I don't.”
“Really, truly, Jo? ”
He stopped short, and caught both her hands as he put his question with a look that she did not soon forget.
“Really, truly, dear.”
They were in the grove now, close by the stile, and when the last words fell reluctantly from Jo's lips, Laurie dropped her hands and turned as if to go on, but for once in his life the fence was too much for him. So he just laid his head down on the mossy post, and stood so still that Jo was frightened.
“Oh, Teddy, I'm sorry, so desperately sorry, I could kill myself if it would do any good! I wish you wouldn't take it so hard, I can't help it. You know it's impossible for people to make themselves love other people if they don't, ” cried Jo inelegantly but remorsefully, as she softly patted his shoulder, remembering the time when he had comforted her so long ago.
“They do sometimes, ” said a muffled voice from the post.
“I don't believe it's the right sort of love, and I'd rather not try it” was the decided answer.
There was a long pause, while a blackbird sung blithely on the willow by the river, and the tall grass rustled in the wind. Presently Jo said very soberly, as she sat down on the step of the stile, “Laurie, I want to tell you something.”
He started as if he had been shot, threw up his head, and cried out in a fierce tone,“Don't tell me that,Jo,I can't bear it now! ”
“Tell what? ” she asked, wondering at his violence.
“That you love that old man.”
“What old man? ” demanded Jo, thinking he must mean his grandfather.
“That devilish Professor you were always writing about. If you say you love him, I know I shall do something desperate.” And he looked as if he would keep his word, as he clenched his hands with a wrathful spark in his eyes.
Jo wanted to laugh, but restrained herself and said warmly, for she, too, was getting excited with all this, “Don't swear, Teddy! He isn't old, nor anything bad, but good and kind, and the best friend I've got, next to you. Pray, don't fly into a passion. I want to be kind, but I know I shall get angry if you abuse my Professor. I haven't the least idea of loving him or anybody else.”
“But you will after a while, and then what will become of me? ”
“You'll love someone else too, like a sensible boy, and forget all this trouble.”
“I can't love anyone else, and I'll never forget you, Jo, Never! Never! ”with a stamp to emphasize his passionate words.
“What shall I do with him? ” sighed Jo, finding that emotions were more unmanagable than she expected. “You haven't heard what I wanted to tell you. Sit down and listen, for indeed I want to do right and make you happy, ” she said, hoping to soothe him with a little reason, which proved that she knew nothing about love.
Seeing a ray of hope in that last speech, Laurie threw himself down on the grass at her feet, leaned his arm on the lower step of the stile, and looked up at her with an expectant face. Now that arrangement was not conducive to calm speech or clear thought on Jo's part,for how could she say hard things to her boy while he watched her with eyes full of love and longing, and lashes still wet with the bitter drop or two her hardness of heart had wrung from him? She gently turned his head away, saying, as she stroked the wavy hair which had been allowed to grow for her sake—how touching that was, to be sure! —
“I agree with Mother that you and I are not suited to each other, because our quick tempers and strong wills would probably make us very miserable, if we were so foolish as to—” Jo paused a little over the last word, but Laurie uttered it with a rapturous expression.
“Marry—no, we shouldn't! If you loved me, Jo, I should be a perfect saint, for you could make me anything you like.”
“No, I can't. I've tried and failed, and I won't risk our happiness by such a serious experiment. We don't agree and we never shall, so we'll be good friends all our lives, but we won't go and do anything rash.”
“Yes, we will if we get the chance, ” muttered Laurie rebelliously.
“Now do be reasonable, and take a sensible view of the case, ”implored Jo, almost at her wit's end.
“I won't be reasonable. I don't want to take what you call ‘a sensible view'. It won't help me, and it only makes it harder. I don't believe you've got any heart.”
“I wish I hadn't.”
There was a little quiver in Jo's voice, and, thinking it a good omen, Laurie turned round, bringing all his persuasive powers to bear as he said, in the wheedlesome tone that had never been so dangerously wheedlesome before, “Don't disappoint us, dear! Everyone expects it. Grandpa has set his heart upon it, your people like it, and I can't get on without you. Say you will, and let's be happy. Do, do! ”
Not until months afterward did Jo understand how she had the strength of mind to hold fast to the resolution she had made when she decided that she did not love her boy, and never could. It was very hard to do, but she did it, knowing that delay was both useless and cruel.
“I can't say ‘yes' truly, so I won't say it at all. You'll see that I'm right, by-and-by, and thank me for it—” she began solemnly.
“I'll be hanged if I do! ” And Laurie bounced up off the grass, burning with indignation at the very idea.
“Yes, you will! ” persisted Jo. “You'll get over this after a while, and find some lovely accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't. I'm homely and awkward and odd and old, and you'd be ashamed of me, and we should quarrel—we can't help it even now, you see—and I shouldn't like elegant society and you would, and you'd hate my scribbling, and I couldn't get on without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we hadn't done it, and everything would be horrid! ”
“Anything more? ” asked Laurie, finding it hard to listen patiently to this prophetic burst.
“Nothing more, except that I don't believe I shall ever marry. I'm happy as I am, and love my liberty too well to be in a hurry to give it up for any mortal man.”
“I know better! ” broke in Laurie. “You think so now, but there'll come a time when you will care for somebody,and you'll love him tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it's your way, and I shall have to stand by and see it.” And the despairing lover cast his hat upon the ground with a gesture that would have seemed comical, if his face had not been so tragic.
“Yes,I will live and die for him,if he ever comes and makes me love him in spite of myself, and you must do the best you can! ” cried Jo, losing patience with poor Teddy.“I've done my best,but you won't be reasonable, and it's selfish of you to keep teasing for what I can't give. I shall always be fond of you, very fond indeed, as a friend, but I'll never marry you, and the sooner you believe it the better for both of us—so now! ”
That speech was like gunpowder. Laurie looked at her a minute as if he did not quite know what to do with himself, then turned sharply away, saying in a desperate sort of tone, “You'll be sorry some day, Jo.”
“Oh, where are you going? ” she cried, for his face frightened her.
“To the devil! ” was the consoling answer.
For a minute Jo's heart stood still, as he swung himself down the bank toward the river, but it takes much folly, sin or misery to send a young man to a violent death, and Laurie was not one of the weak sort who are conquered by a single failure. He had no thought of a melodramatic plunge, but some blind instinct led him to fling hat and coat into his boat, and row away with all his might, making better time up the river than he had done in any race. Jo drew a long breath and unclasped her hands as she watched the poor fellow trying to outstrip the trouble which he carried in his heart.
“That will do him good, and he'll come home in such a tender, penitent state of mind, that I shan't dare to see him, ” she said, adding, as she went slowly home, feeling as if she had murdered some innocent thing, and buried it under the leaves. “Now I must go and prepare Mr. Laurence to be very kind to my poor boy. I wish he'd love Beth, perhaps he may in time, but I begin to think I was mistaken about her. Oh dear! How can girls like to have lovers and refuse them? I think it's dreadful.”
Being sure that no one could do it so well as herself, she went straight to Mr. Laurence, told the hard story bravely through, and then broke down, crying so dismally over her own insensibility that the kind old gentleman, though sorely disappointed, did not utter a reproach. He found it difficult to understand how any girl could help loving Laurie, and hoped she would change her mind, but he knew even better than Jo that love cannot be forced, so he shook his head sadly and resolved to carry his boy out of harm's way, for Young Impetuosity's parting words to Jo disturbed him more than he would confess.
When Laurie came home, dead tired but quite composed, his grandfather met him as if he knew nothing, and kept up the delusion very successfully for an hour or two. But when they sat together in the twilight, the time they used to enjoy so much, it was hard work for the old man to ramble on as usual, and harder still for the young one to listen to praises of the last year's success, which to him now seemed like love's labor lost. He bore it as long as he could, then went to his piano and began to play. The windows were open, and Jo, walking in the garden with Beth, for once understood music better than her sister, for he played the “Sonata Pathétique”, and played it as he never did before.
“That's very fine, I dare say, but it's sad enough to make one cry. Give us something gayer, lad, ” said Mr. Laurence, whose kind old heart was full of sympathy, which he longed to show but knew not how.
Laurie dashed into a livelier strain, played stormily for several minutes, and would have got through bravely, if in a momentary lull Mrs. March's voice had not been heard calling, “Jo, dear, come in. I want you.”
Just what Laurie longed to say, with a different meaning! As he listened, he lost his place, the music ended with a broken chord, and the musician sat silent in the dark.
“I can't stand this, ” muttered the old gentleman. Up he got, groped his way to the piano, laid a kind hand on either of the broad shoulders, and said, as gently as a woman, “I know, my boy, I know.”
No answer for an instant, then Laurie asked sharply, “Who told you? ”
“Jo herself.”
“Then there's an end of it! ” And he shook off his grandfather's hands with an impatient motion, for though grateful for the sympathy, his man's pride could not bear a man's pity.
“Not quite. I want to say one thing, and then there shall be an end of it, ” returned Mr. Laurence with unusual mildness. “You won't care to stay at home now, perhaps? ”
“I don't intend to run away from a girl. Jo can't prevent my seeing her, and I shall stay and do it as long as I like, ” interrupted Laurie in a defiant tone.
“Not if you are the gentleman I think you. I'm disappointed, but the girl can't help it, and the only thing left for you to do is to go away for a time. Where will you go? ”
“Anywhere. I don't care what becomes of me.” And Laurie got up with a reckless laugh that grated on his grandfather's ear.
“Take it like a man, and don't do anything rash, for God's sake. Why not go abroad, as you planned, and forget it? ”
“I can't.”
“But you've been wild to go, and I promised you should when you got through college.”
“Ah, but I didn't mean to go alone! ” And Laurie walked fast through the room with an expression which it was well his grandfather did not see.
“I don't ask you to go alone. There's someone ready and glad to go with you, anywhere in the world.”
“Who, sir? ” stopping to listen.
“Myself.”
Laurie came back as quickly as he went, and put out his hand, saying huskily, “I'm a selfish brute, but—you know—Grandfather—”
“Lord help me, yes, I do know, for I've been through it all before, once in my own young days, and then with your father. Now, my dear boy, just sit quietly down and hear my plan. It's all settled, and can be carried out at once, ” said Mr. Laurence, keeping hold of the young man, as if fearful that he would break away as his father had done before him.
“Well, sir, what is it? ” and Laurie sat down, without a sign of interest in face or voice.
“There is business in London that needs looking after. I meant you should attend to it, but I can do it better myself, and things here will get on very well with Brooke to manage them. My partners do almost everything, I'm merely holding on until you take my place, and can be off at any time.”
“But you hate traveling, sir. I can't ask it of you at your age, ” began Laurie, who was grateful for the sacrifice, but much preferred to go alone, if he went at all.
The old gentleman knew that perfectly well, and particularly desired to prevent it, for the mood in which he found his grandson assured him that it would not be wise to leave him to his own devices. So, stifling a natural regret at the thought of the home comforts he would leave behind him, he said stoutly, “Bless your soul, I'm not superannuated yet. I quite enjoy the idea. It will do me good, and my old bones won't suffer, for traveling nowadays is almost as easy as sitting in a chair.”
A restless movement from Laurie suggested that his chair was not easy, or that he did not like the plan, and made the old man add hastily,“I don't mean to be a marplot or a burden. I go because I think you'd feel happier than if I was left behind. I don't intend to gad about with you, but leave you free to go where you like, while I amuse myself in my own way. I've friends in London and Paris, and should like to visit them. Meantime you can go to Italy, Germany, Switzerland, where you will, and enjoy pictures, music, scenery, and adventures to your heart's content.”
Now, Laurie felt just then that his heart was entirely broken and the world a howling wilderness, but at the sound of certain words which the old gentleman artfully introduced into his closing sentence, the broken heart gave an unexpected leap, and a green oasis or two suddenly appeared in the howling wilderness. He sighed, and then said, in a spiritless tone, “Just as you like, sir. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do.”
“It does to me, remember that, my lad. I give you entire liberty, but I trust you to make an honest use of it. Promise me that, Laurie.”
“Anything you like, sir.”
“Good, ” thought the old gentleman. “You don't care now, but there'll come a time when that promise will keep you out of mischief, or I'm much mistaken.”
Being an energetic individual, Mr. Laurence struck while the iron was hot, and before the blighted being recovered spirit enough to rebel, they were off. During the time necessary for preparation, Laurie bore himself as young gentleman usually do in such cases. He was moody, irritable, and pensive by turns; lost his appetite, neglected his dress and devoted much time to playing tempestuously on his piano; avoided Jo, but consoled himself by staring at her from his window, with a tragic face that haunted her dreams by night and oppressed her with a heavy sense of guilt by day. Unlike some sufferers, he never spoke of his unrequited passion, and would allow no one, not even Mrs. March, to attempt consolation or offer sympathy. On some accounts, this was a relief to his friends, but the weeks before his departure were very uncomfortable, and everyone rejoiced that the “poor, dear fellow was going away to forget his trouble, and come home happy.” Of course, he smiled darkly at their delusion, but passed it by with the sad superiority of one who knew that his fidelity like his love was unalterable.
When the parting came he affected high spirits, to conceal certain inconvenient emotions which seemed inclined to assert themselves. This gaiety did not impose upon anybody, but they tried to look as if it did for his sake, and he got on very well till Mrs. March kissed him, with a whisper full of motherly solicitude. Then feeling that he was going very fast, he hastily embraced them all round, not forgetting the afflicted Hannah, and ran downstairs as if for his life. Jo followed a minute after to wave her hand to him if he looked round. He did look round, came back, put his arms about her as she stood on the step above him, and looked up at her with a face that made his short appeal eloquent and pathetic.
“Oh, Jo, can't you? ”
“Teddy, dear, I wish I could! ”
That was all, except a little pause. Then Laurie straightened himself up, said, “It's all right, never mind, ” and went away without another word. Ah,but it wasn't all right,and Jo did mind,for while the curly head lay on her arm a minute after her hard answer, she felt as if she had stabbed her dearest friend, and when he left her without a look behind him, she knew that the boy Laurie never would come again.
