Text     The Emotional Bank Account--Secrets of Happy Families

　　The Emotional Bank Account is like a financial bank account in one way:

　　you can make"deposits"--actions that build trust

　　--or you can make"withdrawals"that decrease it.

　　It represents the quality of the relationship you have with other people.

　　If you have a high balance,then communication is open and free.

　　Let me share ideas for"deposits"you can make in your family:Cultivate kindness.

　　Many years ago I spent an evening out with two of my sons.

　　In the middle of the movie,Sean,then four,fell asleep.

　　His older brother Stephen,six,stayed awake,

　　and we watched the rest of the movie together.

　　When it was over,I carried Sean to the car.

　　It was cold,so I took off my coat and gently put it over him.

　　When we arrived home,I carried Sean in,then lay down next to Stephen to talk.

　　Suddenly he asked"Daddy,if I were cold,would you put your coat around me,too?

　　Of all the events of our night out together,

　　the most important was a little act of kindness--a showing of love to his brother.

　　In relationships,the little things are the big things.

　　They go a long way toward building trust and unconditional love.

　　Just think about the impact in your family of using words of courtesy

　　such as thank you and please.

　　Or unexpected acts of service,

　　such as taking children shopping for something that's important to them.

　　Or finding little ways to express love,

　　such as leaving a note in a lunch box or briefcase.

　　Earn an"A":apologize.

　　Perhaps nothing tests our capacity to initiate change

　　as much as saying"I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends.

　　That was wrong of me."

　　"Sweetheart,I apologize for cutting you off.I was so rude.Please forgive me."

　　Sometimes apologizing is incredibly hard,

　　but the effort says,"Our relationship is very important to me."

　　And that kind of communication builds the Emotional Bank Account.

　　Learn loyalty.

　　Next to apologizing,

　　one of the most important deposits a person can make is to be loyal to family members when they are not present.

　　In other words,talk about others as if they were there.

　　That doesn't mean you're unaware of their weaknesses.

　　It means,rather,that you focus on the positive

　　--and that if you do talk about weak-nesses,

　　you do it in such a way that you wouldn't be ashamed to have the person overhear it.

　　A friend had an 18-year-old son

　　whose habits annoyed his brothers and sisters.

　　When the boy wasn't there,the family often talked about him.

　　At one point,

　　this friend decided to follow the principle of being loyal to those not present

　　When such conversations developed,

　　he gently interrupted and said something good

　　that he had observed his son doing.

　　Soon the conversation would shift to more interesting subjects.

　　Our friend said he soon felt that the others began to connect with this principle of family loyalty.

　　They realized that he'd also defend them if they were not present.

　　And in some unexplainable manner

　　--perhaps because be he started seeing his son differently

　　--this change improved his Emotional Bank Account.

　　Make--and keep--promises.

　　Over the years people asked if I had one simple idea

　　that would help others cope with problems,

　　seize opportunities and make their lives successful.

　　I give a four-word answer:"make and keep promises."

　　My daughter,Cynthia,recalls something that happened when she was 12 years old

　　:"Dad promised to take me with him on a business trip to San Francisco.

　　We talked about the trip for months.

　　After his meetings,we planned to take a cab to Chinatown

　　and have our favorite food and see a movie.

　　I was dying with expectation.

　　"The day finally arrived.

　　The hours dragged by as I waited for Dad to finish work.

　　At about 6:30,he arrived with an influential business acquaintance

　　who wanted to take us to dinner.

　　My disappointment was bigger than life.

　　"I will never forget Dad saying to him,

　　'I'd love to see you,but this is a special time with my girl.

　　We've got it planned to the minute.'

　　We did everything.That was just about the happiest time of my life.

　　I don't think any young girl ever loved her father as much as I loved mine that night."

　　I'm convinced that you would be hard pressed to come up with a deposit that has more impact in the family

　　than making and keeping promises.

　　Don't forget to forgive.

　　For many,the ultimate deposit to the Emotional Bank Account comes in forgiving.

　　When you forgive,you open the channels for trust and unconditional love.

　　You cleanse your heart.

　　You also remove a major obstacle that keeps others from changing

　　--because then you don't fogive,you put yourself between people and their conscience.

　　Instead of spending their energy on work with their own conscience,

　　they spend it defending and justifying their behavior to you.

　　In everything you do for your family,

　　keep in mind the miracle of the Chinese bamboo.

　　After the seed is planted,

　　new,taller shoots appear until the bamboo reaches full height.

　　But the most dramatic growth is underground,where the roots grow very strong.

　　With this support,the bamboo can reach a height of 120 feet!

　　The Emotional Bank Account can be like that.

　　As you begin to make deposits,you may see positive results immediately.

　　More often it will take weeks,months,even years.

　　But results will come,and you will be astonished at the change.