Laws of Lasting Love

During my 25 years as a marital therapist, I have seen hundreds of people disappointed over unfulfilling relationships. I have seen passion turn to poison. I have grieved with patients for the love they lost or never found.

"We seemed to love so much, but now it's gone," one woman lamented to me. "Why do I feel so lonely every night even when he is right there beside me? Why can't marriage be more than this?"

It can. I was once invited to the 60th-anniversary celebration of a remarkable couple. I asked the husband, Peter, if he ever felt lonely and wondered where the love between him and Lita had gone. Peter laughed and said, "If you wonder where your love went, you forgot that you are the one who makes it. Love is not out there; it's in here between Lita and me."

I know we can love deply, tenderly and lastingly. I have seen such love, and I have felt such love myself. Here are the laws I have discovered for such lasting and loving relationships.

One, Put Time Where Love Is

A fulfilling marriage begins when two people make time together their No.1 priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for loving.

Unfortunately, current psychology rests on the model of the independent ego. To make a lasting marriage we have to overcome self-centeredness. We must go beyond what psychologist Abraham Maslow called "self-actualization" to "us-actualization". We have to learn to put time where love is.

Many couples have experienced a tragic moment that taught them to value their time together. One husband related how he sat trapped in his car after a crash. His wife was outside, crying and banging on the window, "I thought I was going to die before we had enough time together," he told me. "Right then I promised to make the time to love my wife. Our time is our own now, and those hours are sacred."