[00:03.68]My son Brendan cried his first day of school.
[00:08.14]Even Mrs. Phillips, a kind, soft-spoken master of the six-year-old mind, could not coax him to a seat.
[00:15.65]His eyes streamed, his nose ran and he clung to me like a snail on a strawberry.
[00:22.41]I plucked him off and escaped.
[00:24.80]It wasn’t that Brendan didn’t like school.
[00:28.51]He just didn’t like being apart from me.
[00:31.45]We’d had some good times, he and I, in those preschool years.
[00:35.91]We played at the pool.
[00:37.54]We skated on quiet morning ice.
[00:39.94]We sampled half the treat tray at weekly neighborhood coffee parties.
[00:44.08]Now in Grade 1, Brendan was faced with five hours of wondering what I was doing with my day.
[00:51.05]Brendan always came home for lunch, the only one of his class not to eat at his desk.
[00:56.60]But once home, fed and hugged, a far-away look of longing would crease his gentle brow
[01:04.66]— he wanted to go back to school to play!
[01:07.49]So I walked him back, waited with him until he spotted someone he knew, then left.
[01:13.04]He told me once that he watched me until he couldn’t see me anymore, so I always walked fast and never looked back.
[01:20.56]One day when I took Brendan back after lunch, he spied a friend, kissed me goodbye, and scampered right off.
[01:28.29]I went, feeling pleased for him, celebrating his new independence, his entry into the first-grade social loop.
[01:36.67]Then — I didn’t know why — I glanced back.
[01:40.59]And there he was.
[01:42.45]The playground buzzed all around him, kids everywhere,
[01:45.82]and he stood, his chin tucked close, his body held small, his face intent but not sad, blowing me kisses.
[01:55.73]So brave, so unashamed, so completely loving, Brendan was watching me go.
[02:02.91]No book on mothering could have prepared me for that quick, raw glimpse into my child’s soul.
[02:09.13]My mind leaped 15 years ahead to him packing boxes and his dog grown old and him saying,
[02:16.10]“Dry up, Mom. It’s not like I’m leaving the country.”
[02:19.36]In my mind I tore up the card every mother signs saying she’ll let her child go when he’s ready.
[02:25.49]I looked at my Brendan, his shirt tucked in, every button done up, his toes just turned in a bit, and I thought,
[02:33.59]“OK, you’re six for me forever.”
[02:37.96]With a smile I had to really dig for, I blew him a kiss, turned and walked away.
