When I was younger I had this feeling that there was this handbook that I'd never gotten that explained how to be, how to laugh, what to wear, how to stand by yourself in a hallway.

　　在我年纪比较小的时候，我有这个感觉，有这本我从未得到过的手册，解释了怎么做、怎么笑、穿什么、怎么独自站在走廊上。

　　Everyone else looks so natural, like, they'd all practiced together and knew exactly what to do, even just the way that they'd push the hair out of their face.

　　其他所有人看起来好自然，就好像他们全都一起练习过，且确切知道要做些什么，即使只是他们将头发从脸上拨开的方式。

　　My experience was pretty much the opposite: I was conscious of how I sat and how I smiled. But when I was alone with another person, I had no idea what to do or what to say. I could just feel myself panic. It sucked.

　　我的经验是几乎相反的：我知道我要怎么坐、我要怎么笑。但当我单独和另一人相处时，我完全不知道要做什么或要说什么。我会就感受到自己惊慌失措。那糟透了。

　　I'd imagine what people were like when I wasn't around: how they'd compare notes on how I didn't quite fit. Or even worse, maybe they just wouldn't notice.

　　我会想像人们在我不在时会像怎样：对于我不太融入一事他们会怎么交换意见。或甚至更糟，也许他们就是没有注意到。

　　So I tried to pick up the patterns. I wore what they wore, and said what they said. I even wrote "smile more" on a sticky note. And over time it sort of worked in a way. I made a version of me that fit in, whatever that means.

　　所以我试着去学习那些模式。我穿他们穿的衣服、说他们说的话。我甚至在便利贴上写“多笑一点”。随着时间过去，在某种意义上有点行得通。我创造出了一个可以融入的版本的我，不管那代表什么。

　　But as I grew older, the patterns kept changing. And I took so much effort to keep learning them. And I was still stuck with the problem that I started with: being terrified at the moment when my tricks stop working.

　　但当我年长一点，模式不断改变。我做了好多努力去持续学习它们。而我还是卡在我一开始的问题：在我的伎俩行不通的那一刻感到恐惧。

　　I think it took me too long to learn something. That even though there is a thing called fitting in, that is something that you can learn and practice. Those pages are so thin compared to who you are. That the way to become natural, like I wanted to be so badly, is by forgetting what you're trying to beat other people.

　　我想我花了太长一段时间去学某件事。即使有一件事叫做融入，那也是一件你可以学习并练习的事。那些书页跟你是谁比起来非常浅薄。要变得自然的方式，就像我深切想要成为的样子，就是要透过忘记那些你试着要打败其他人的事。

　　If there is a handbook, you probably get to write it yourself.

　　如果有本手册，你也许要自己编写。