All the next day Kitty thought of the convent; and the morning after, early, soon after Walter had gone, taking the amah with her to get chairs, she crossed the river. It was barely day and the Chinese crowding the ferry boat, some in the blue cotton of the peasant, others in the black robes of respectability, had a strange look of the dead being borne over the water to the land of shadow. And when they stepped ashore they stood for a little at the landing-place uncertainly as though they did not quite know where to go, before desultorily, in twos and threes, they wandered up the hill.
At that hour the streets of the city were very empty so that more than ever it seemed a city of the dead. The passers-by had an abstracted air so that you might almost have thought them ghosts. The sky was unclouded and the early sun shed a heavenly mildness on the scene; it was difficult to imagine, on that blithe, fresh and smiling morn, that the city lay gasping, like a man whose life is being throttled out of him by a maniac's hands, in the dark clutch of the pestilence. It was incredible that nature (the blue of the sky was clear like a child's heart) should be so indifferent when men were writhing in agony and going to their death in fear. When the chairs were set down at the convent door a beggar arose from the ground and asked Kitty for alms. He was clad in faded and shapeless rags that looked as though he had raked them out of a muck-heap, and through their rents you saw his skin hard and rough and tanned like the hide of a goat; his bare legs were emaciated, and his head, with its shock of coarse gray hair (the cheeks hollow, the eyes wild), was the head of a madman. Kitty turned from him in frightened horror, and the chair-bearers in gruff tones bade him begone, but he was importunate, and to be rid of him, shuddering, Kitty gave him a few cash.
The door was opened and the amah explained that Kitty wished to see the Mother Superior. She was taken once more into the stiff parlor in which it seemed a window had never been opened, and here she sat so long that she began to think her message had not been delivered. At last the Mother Superior came in.
“I must ask you to excuse me for keeping you waiting,” she said. “I did not expect you and I was occupied.”
“Forgive me for troubling you. I am afraid I have come at an inconvenient moment.”
The Mother Superior gave her a smile, austere but sweet, and begged her to sit down. But Kitty saw that her eyes were swollen. She had been weeping. Kitty was startled, for she had received from the Mother Superior the impression that she was a woman whom earthly troubles could not greatly move.
“I am afraid something has happened,” she faltered. “Would you like me to go away? I can come another time.”
“No, no. Tell me what I can do for you. It is only--only that one of our Sisters died last night.” Her voice lost its even tone and her eyes filled with tears. “It is wicked of me to grieve, for I know that her good and simple soul has flown straight to heaven; she was a saint; but it is difficult always to control one's weakness. I am afraid I am not always very reasonable.”
“I'm so sorry, I'm so dreadfully sorry,” said Kitty.
Her ready sympathy brought a sob into her voice.
“She was one of the Sisters who came out from France with me ten years ago. There are only three of us left now. I remember, we stood in a little group at the end of the boat (what do you call it, the bow?) and as we steamed out of the harbour at Marseilles and we saw the golden figure of Saint Marie la Grace, we said a prayer together. It had been my greatest wish since I entered religion to be allowed to come to China, but when I saw the land grow distant I could not prevent myself from weeping. I was their Superior; it was not a very good example I was giving my daughters. And then Sister St. Francis Xavier--that is the name of the Sister who died last night--took my hand and told me not to grieve; for wherever we were, she said, there was France and there was God.”
That severe and handsome face was distorted by the grief which human nature wrung from her and by the effort to restrain the tears which her reason and her faith refused. Kitty looked away. She felt that it was indecent to peer into that struggle.
“I have been writing to her father. She, like me, was her mother's only daughter. They were fisher folk in Brittany, and it will be hard for them. Oh, when will this terrible epidemic cease? Two of our girls have been attacked this morning and nothing but a miracle can save them. These Chinese have no resistance. The loss of Sister St. Francis is very severe. There is so much to do and now fewer than ever to do it. We have Sisters at our other houses in China who are eager to come, all our Order, I think, would give anything in the world (only they have nothing) to come here; but it is almost certain death; and so long as we can manage with the Sisters we have I am unwilling that others should be sacrificed.”
“That encourages me, ma mère;” said Kitty.“I have been feeling that I had come at a very unfortunate moment. You said the other day that there was more work than the Sisters could do, and I was wondering if you would allow me to come and help them. I do not mind what I do if I can only be useful. I should be thankful if you just set me to scrub the floors.”
The Mother Superior gave an amused smile and Kitty was astonished at the mobile temperament which could so easily pass from mood to mood.
“There is no need to scrub the floors. That is done after a fashion by the orphans.” She paused and looked kindly at Kitty. “My dear child, do you not think that you have done enough in coming with your husband here? That is more than many wives would have had the courage to do, and for the rest how can you be better occupied than in giving him peace and comfort when he comes home to you after the day's work? Believe me, he needs then all your love and all your consideration.”
Kitty could not easily meet the eyes which rested on her with a detached scrutiny and with an ironical kindliness.
“I have nothing whatever to do from morning till night,” said Kitty. “I feel that there is so much to be done that I cannot bear to think that I am idle. I don't want to make a nuisance of myself, and I know that I have no claim either on your kindness or on your time, but I mean what I say and it would be a charity that you were doing me if you would let me be of some help to you.”
“You do not look very strong. When you did us the pleasure of coming to see us the day before yesterday it seemed to me that you were very pale. Sister St. Joseph thought that perhaps you were going to have a baby.”
“No, no,” cried Kitty, flushing to the roots of her hair.
The Mother Superior gave a little, silvery laugh.
“It is nothing to be ashamed of, my dear child, nor is there anything improbable in the supposition. How long have you been married?”
“I am very pale because I am naturally pale, but I am very strong, and I promise you I am not afraid of work.”
Now the Superior was complete mistress of herself. She assumed unconsciously the air of authority which was habitual to her and she held Kitty in an appraising scrutiny. Kitty felt unaccountably nervous.
“Can you speak Chinese?”
“I'm afraid not,” answered Kitty.
“Ah, that is a pity. I could have put you in charge of the elder girls. It is very difficult just now, and I am afraid they will get--what do you call? Out of hand?” she concluded with a tentative sound.
“Could I not be of help to the Sisters in nursing? I am not at all afraid of the cholera. I could nurse the girls or the soldiers.”
The Mother Superior, unsmiling now, a reflective look on her face, shook her head.
“You do not know what the cholera is. It is a dreadful thing to see. The work in the infirmary is done by soldiers and we need a Sister only to supervise. And so far as the girls are concerned . . . no, no, I am sure your husband would not wish it; it is a terrible and frightening sight.”
“I should grow used to it.”
“No, it is out of the question. It is our business and our privilege to do such things, but there is no call for you to do so.”
“You make me feel very useless and very helpless. It seems incredible that there should be nothing that I can do.”
“Have you spoken to your husband of your wish?”
“Yes.”
The Mother Superior looked at her as though she were delving into the secrets of her heart, but when she saw Kitty's anxious and appealing look she gave a smile.
“Of course you are a Protestant?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“It doesn't matter. Dr. Watson, the missionary who died, was a Protestant, and it made no difference. He was all that was most charming to us. We owe him a deep debt of gratitude.”
Now the flicker of a smile passed over Kitty's face, but she did not say anything. The Mother Superior seemed to reflect. She rose to her feet.
“It is very good of you. I think I can find something for you to do. It is true that now Sister St. Francis has been taken from us, it is impossible for us to cope with the work. When will you be ready to start?”
“Now.”
“À la bonne heure. I am content to hear you say that.”
“I promise you I will do my best. I am very grateful to you for the opportunity that you are giving me.”
The Mother Superior opened the parlor door, but as she was going out she hesitated. Once more she gave Kitty a long, searching and sagacious look. Then she laid her hand gently on her arm.
“You know, my dear child, that one cannot find peace in work or in pleasure, in the world or in a convent, but only in one's soul.”
Kitty gave a little start, but the Mother Superior passed swiftly out.
第二天一整天凯蒂的脑子里都在想着上次去修道院的经过。一大早，沃尔特前脚刚走，凯蒂后脚就带着一个女仆坐上了轿椅，计划到河对岸去。天刚蒙蒙亮，渡船上已经挤满了中国人，有些是穿着蓝色布衣打扮的农民，还有一些是穿着体面的黑长袍的有钱人，但个个表情古怪，好像这趟船要把他们送到阴曹地府去一般。当船靠到岸边的时候，他们站在码头愣了一会儿，似乎不十分清楚往哪个方向去，然后三三两两、无精打采地向山上走去。
这个时候，城镇的街道还一片空寂，所以看上去像一座死城。偶尔有几个路人呆呆地走过，如同孤魂野鬼一般。天空没有云彩，旭日洒下天堂般暖暖的阳光。难以想象，在这个无忧无虑、充满新鲜空气和欢乐气息的清晨，城镇像一个人的喉咙被疯子的一双手紧紧掐着，躺在那里大口喘气，生命正一点点儿地消失。确实，这座城镇现在难逃瘟疫的魔爪，而大自然（湛蓝的天空，清澈透明得如同孩童的心灵）目睹人们在痛苦中翻滚，在恐惧中一步步走向死亡，竟然无动于衷，真是不可思议。轿椅在修道院的门前放了下来，这时一名乞丐忙从地上站了起来，向凯蒂乞求施舍。他穿着完全看不出颜色与形状的破麻袋片似的衣服，好像是刚从垃圾堆里淘出来的。透过衣服上破了的大洞，能看见他皮肤坚硬粗糙，晒得就像是山羊皮，两条光着的腿瘦得像麻秆，乱蓬蓬的头发满是灰尘，脏兮兮的（脸颊塌陷下去，深凹的双眼放着野性的光），像个疯子一样。凯蒂被吓坏了，赶紧躲过了身子，轿夫们用粗哑的嗓子大声呵斥他走开，可他仍然纠缠不休，为了摆脱他，凯蒂用发抖的手扔给了他一些零钱。
修道院的大门开了，凯蒂的女仆上前解释她的女主人希望面见院长嬷嬷。她又一次被领进了那间密不透风的客厅，那里的窗户似乎从来没有打开过。在客厅里，凯蒂坐着等了很长时间，心里开始嘀咕口信是不是没有带到。最后，院长嬷嬷终于出现了。
“让你久等了，真是不好意思。”她说道，“我没想到你会来，又不巧被别的事情绊住了。”
“请原谅我打扰您，我恐怕来得不是时候。”
院长嬷嬷冲她笑了笑，笑容虽然不是很灿烂，但也还算甜美，她请凯蒂坐下。然而，凯蒂注意到她的双眼红肿，显然一直在哭。凯蒂吃了一惊，因为院长嬷嬷给她的印象是一个不受世俗干扰，不会轻易动感情的女人。
“是不是出了什么事？”她有些迟疑地问道，“您想让我离开吗？我可以换个时间再来。”
“不用，不用，告诉我能为您做点儿什么，只是——只是我们的一位修女昨晚去世了。”她的声音失去了平稳的语调，眼中又涌满了泪水，“我悲伤其实是不对的，她是个圣徒，我知道她善良和纯朴的灵魂已经直接飞进了天堂。但是一个人的弱点总是很难控制住，恐怕我也不能永远保持理性。”
“听您这么说，我真的替您难过。”凯蒂说道。
嬷嬷固有的悲天悯人之情再次让她的声音哽咽。
“她是十年前和我一起从法国来这儿的姐妹，现在我们只剩下三个姐妹了。我至今还记得，我们一小群人站在轮船的尽头（你们把它叫什么，船头吗？），当船驶出马赛港的时候，我们看到了圣母玛利亚闪着金光的雕像，我们一起祷告着。自从我入教以来，能够被派到中国一直是我最大的愿望，但是当我看到岸上的土地渐渐离我远去的时候，还是情不自禁地哭了。我是这群姐妹中带队的，我知道自己没有给她们树立一个好榜样。那时，圣弗朗西斯·夏维尔修女——这是昨天晚上死去的修女的名字——拉着我的手，告诉我不要难过，无论我们去哪里，她说，法国和上帝永远伴随着我们。”
嬷嬷那张严肃、美丽的脸庞因为悲痛扭曲了，人性使她痛苦万分，而她的理性和信仰又迫使她要努力控制住自己的泪水。凯蒂扭过头去，她觉得自己无心中窥见了嬷嬷内心的挣扎与冲突是件尴尬的事。
“我刚才一直在给她的父亲写信，她和我一样，是独生女，她的父母在布列塔尼靠打鱼为生，听到这个消息对他们是多么大的打击呀。噢，这场可怕的瘟疫什么时候能结束？今天上午我们这里又有两个女孩子染上了霍乱，除非奇迹发生，她们才有可能获救，这些中国人没有什么抵抗力。圣弗朗西斯修女的去世是个重大损失，这里又有那么多的工作要做，可现在的人手变得更少了。我们还有一些姐妹在中国其他地方的修道院里，她们都急切地想过来帮忙。我们所有的神职人员都是如此，我觉得，他们会倾其所有（当然，他们实际上一无所有）来这儿，但到了这儿注定会回不去的。只要我们现有的姐妹能够忙得过来，我不愿意其他人去做无谓的牺牲。”
“您的话鼓舞了我，嬷嬷。”凯蒂说道，“我一直觉得我在一个不幸的时候来到了这儿。您那天说这儿有太多的工作要做，修女们忙不过来。我想知道您是否能允许我过来给她们帮忙，只要能搭把手，我不在乎干什么，哪怕您派给我擦地板的活儿，我都感激不尽。”
院长嬷嬷笑了笑，似乎觉得凯蒂的话很有趣，看到她的情绪很轻易地就改变了，凯蒂还是有些吃惊。
“没必要擦地板，那种活儿可以让孤儿们干。”她停顿了一下，很和善地看着凯蒂，“我亲爱的孩子，难道你不认为你能陪自己的丈夫一起来这个地方已经做得够多的了吗？很多人的妻子是不会有勇气这样做的。除此之外，你丈夫结束一天的工作回到家里，你能给他温暖、舒适和宁静的港湾让他休息，除此以外，没有什么比这更重要的了，对吗？相信我，他需要你全身心的爱和所有的体贴照顾。”
凯蒂无法轻松地与嬷嬷对视，后者正在用一种超然的审视和半开玩笑的好意注视着她。
“我从早到晚没什么事可做。”凯蒂说道，“我觉得这里有这么多的事情要做，我不能忍受自己可以整天吃闲饭，不想让自己成为一个废物。我知道自己没有权利要求您好心地同意我的请求，或者占用您过多的时间缠着您，但我想再解释一下我说的话。如果您能同意我过来帮忙的话，实际上您是在为我做一件好事。”
“你看上去身体可不怎么好，你前天大驾光临来看我们的时候，我觉得你的脸色好像很苍白，圣约瑟夫修女认为你可能怀孕了。”
“没有，没有。”凯蒂喊了起来，脸一下子红到了耳根。
院长嬷嬷发出了一阵清脆的笑声。
“没什么可害臊的，我亲爱的孩子，这种猜测也不是不可能，你结婚多久了？”
“我脸色很苍白是因为天生肤色就白，但我的身体很好，我向您保证我不怕干活。”
此时，嬷嬷又恢复了院长的威严，无意之间又流露出了早习以为常的拍板做主的神态。她上下打量着凯蒂，让凯蒂立刻觉得有种说不出来的紧张。
“您会说中文吗？”
“恐怕不会。”凯蒂答道。
“嗯，有点儿可惜，我本来是想让你管理那些岁数大一些的女孩子的。现在那边很困难，我担心她们会——你们怎么说来着？缺人手吗？”她以一种想找到合适词汇的口吻下了结论。
“我不能帮助姐妹们照料病人吗？我一点儿也不怕霍乱，我可以护理生病的女孩子或者士兵。”
院长嬷嬷的笑容从脸上消失了，用一种沉思的目光看着凯蒂的脸，然后摇了摇头。
“你还不了解霍乱到底是一种什么病，它是非常可怕的，医院的工作士兵们可以完成，我们只派了一位姐妹去督导，至于说到女孩子们……不行，不行，我敢肯定你丈夫不会同意让你做这事的，那真的是一个可怕和让人难以面对的景象。”
“我会慢慢适应的。”
“不行，这行不通。这是我们的事情，只有我们才有责任做这种工作，你没有义务去做。”
“您让我觉得自己好没用，什么忙也帮不上，如果说这儿没有我能干的事，好像不太可能吧。”
“你跟你丈夫说起过这个想法吗？”
“说过。”
院长嬷嬷盯着她，好像要看透她心头的秘密似的，可当她看到凯蒂焦急而又充满期待的目光时，她笑了。
“显然你是个新教教徒吧？”她问道。
“是的。”
“没关系，魏特森医生，那位前不久去世的传教士，也是个新教教徒，也没什么影响。在我们眼中，他是个大好人，我们对他怀有深深的谢意，觉得欠了他很多。”
这时凯蒂的脸上闪过一丝微笑，但没有吭声。院长嬷嬷似乎下了决心，她站起身来。
“你真是太好了，我认为可以为你找点儿事情做。现在事实上死神已经把圣弗朗西斯修女从我们身边夺走了，我们要应付这么多工作也不太可能了，你准备什么时间开始工作？”
“现在就可以。”
“那太好了，[1]我很高兴听你这么说。”
“我向您保证我会竭尽全力的。非常感谢您给我的这个机会。”
院长嬷嬷打开了客厅的门，但是刚要出去的时候又犹豫了。她再次用探询和睿智的目光看了凯蒂大半天，然后把手轻轻地放在她的手臂上。
“要知道，我亲爱的孩子，一个人是无法在工作或欢愉中找到安宁的，无论是在俗世，还是在修道院，它只存在于自己的灵魂深处。”
凯蒂一激灵，可她还没缓过神来，院长嬷嬷就很快地从她身边走过，出了房门。
* * *
[1]原文为法语。
