She wiped her eyes. She tried to pull herself together.

“Charlie, if you desert me I shall die.”

She was driven now to appeal to his compassion. She ought to have told him at once. When he knew the horrible alternative that was placed before her his generosity, his sense of justice, his manliness, would be so vehemently aroused that he would think of nothing but her danger. Oh, how passionately she desired to feel his dear, protecting arms around her!

“Walter wants me to go to Mei-tan-fu.”

“Oh, but that's the place where the cholera is. They've got the worst epidemic that they've had for fifty years. It's no place for a woman. You can't possibly go there.”

“If you let me down I shall have to.”

“What do you mean? I don't understand.”

“Walter is taking the place of the missionary doctor who died. He wants me to go with him.”

“When?”

“Now. At once.”

Townsend pushed back his chair and looked at her with puzzled eyes.

“I may be very stupid, but I can't make head or tail out of what you're saying. If he wants you to go to this place with him what about a divorce?”

“He's given me my choice. I must either go to Mei-tan-fu or else he'll bring an action.”

“Oh, I see.” Townsend's tone changed ever so slightly. “I think that's rather decent of him, don't you?”

“Decent?”

“Well, it's a damned sporting thing of him to go there. It's not a thing I'd fancy. Of course he'll get a C.M.G. for it when he comes back.”

“But me, Charlie?” she cried, with anguish in her voice.

“Well, I think if he wants you to go, under the circumstances I don't see how you can very well refuse.”

“It means death. Absolutely certain death.”

“Oh, damn it all, that's rather an exaggeration. He would hardly take you if he thought that. It's no more risk for you than for him. In point of fact there's no great risk if you're careful. I've been here when there's been cholera and I haven't turned a hair. The great thing is not to eat anything uncooked, no raw fruit or salads, or anything like that, and see that your drinking water is boiled.” He was gaining confidence as he proceeded, and his speech was fluent; he was even becoming less sullen and more alert; he was almost breezy. “After all, it's his job, isn't it? He's interested in bugs. It's rather a chance for him if you come to think of it.”

“But me, Charlie?” she repeated, not with anguish now, but with consternation.

“Well, the best way to understand a man is to put yourself in his shoes. From his point of view you've been rather a naughty little thing and he wants to get you out of harm's way. I always thought he never wanted to divorce you, he doesn't strike me as that sort of chap; but he made what he thought was a very generous offer and you put his back up by turning it down. I don't want to blame you, but really for all our sakes I think you ought to have given it a little consideration.”

“But don't you see it'll kill me? Don't you know that he's taking me there because he knows it'll kill me.”

“Oh, my dear, don't talk like that. We're in a damned awkward position and really it's no time to be melodramatic.”

“You've made up your mind not to understand.” Oh, the pain in her heart, and the fear! She could have screamed. “You can't send me to certain death. If you have no love or pity for me you must have just ordinary human feeling.”

“I think it's rather hard on me to put it like that. As far as I can make out your husband is behaving very generously. He's willing to forgive you if you'll let him. He wants to get you away and this opportunity has presented itself to take you to some place where for a few months you'll be out of harm's way. I don't pretend that Mei-tan-fu is a health resort, I never knew a Chinese city that was, but there's no reason to get the wind up about it. In fact that's the worst thing you can do. I believe as many people die from sheer fright in an epidemic as because they get infected.”

“But I'm frightened now. When Walter spoke of it I almost fainted.”

“At the first moment I can quite believe it was a shock, but when you come to look at it calmly you'll be all right. It'll be the sort of experience that not everyone has had.”

“I thought, I thought...”

She rocked to and fro in an agony. He did not speak, and once more his face wore that sullen look which till lately she had never known. Kitty was not crying now. She was dry-eyed, calm, and though her voice was low it was steady.

“Do you want me to go?”

“It's Hobson's choice, isn't it?”

“Is it?”

“It's only fair to you to tell you that if your husband brought an action for divorce and won it I should not be in a position to marry you.”

It must have seemed an age to him before she answered. She rose slowly to her feet.

“I don't think that my husband ever thought of bringing an action.”

“Then why in God's name have you been frightening me out of my wits?” he asked.

She looked at him coolly.

“He knew that you'd let me down.”

She was silent. Vaguely, as when you are studying a foreign language and read a page which at first you can make nothing of, till a word or a sentence gives you a clue; and on a sudden a suspicion, as it were, of the sense flashes across your troubled wits, vaguely she gained an inkling into the workings of Walter's mind. It was like a dark and ominous landscape seen by a flash of lightning and in a moment hidden again by the night. She shuddered at what she saw.

“He made that threat only because he knew that you'd crumple up at it, Charlie. It's strange that he should have judged you so accurately. It was just like him to expose me to such a cruel disillusion.”

Charlie looked down at the sheet of blotting paper in front of him. He was frowning a little and his mouth was sulky. But he did not reply.

“He knew that you were vain, cowardly and self-seeking. He wanted me to see it with my own eyes. He knew that you'd run like a hare at the approach of danger. He knew how grossly deceived I was in thinking that you were in love with me, because he knew that you were incapable of loving any one but yourself. He knew you'd sacrifice me without a pang to save your own skin.”

“If it really gives you any satisfaction to say beastly things to me I suppose I've got no right to complain. Women always are unfair and they generally manage to put a man in the wrong. But there is something to be said on the other side.”

She took no notice of his interruption.

“And now I know all that he knew. I know that you're callous and heartless, I know that you're selfish, selfish beyond words, and I know that you haven't the nerve of a rabbit, I know you're a liar and a humbug, I know that you're utterly contemptible. And the tragic part is”--her face was on a sudden distraught with pain--“the tragic part is that notwithstanding I love you with all my heart.”

“Kitty.”

She gave a bitter laugh. He had spoken her name in that melting, rich tone of his which came to him so naturally and meant so little.

“You fool,” she said.

He drew back quickly, flushing and offended; he could not make her out. She gave him a look in which there was a glint of amusement.

“You're beginning to dislike me, aren't you? Well, dislike me. It doesn't make any difference to me now.”

She began to put on her gloves.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“Oh, don't be afraid, you'll come to no harm. You'll be quite safe.”

“For God's sake, don't talk like that, Kitty,” he answered and his deep voice rang with anxiety. “You must know that everything that concerns you concerns me. I shall be frightfully anxious to know what happens. What are you going to say to your husband?”

“I'm going to tell him that I'm prepared to go to Mei-tan-fu with him.”

“Perhaps when you consent he won't insist.”

He could not have known why, when he said this, she looked at him so strangely.

“You're not really frightened?” he asked her.

“No,” she said. “You've inspired me with courage. To go into the midst of a cholera epidemic will be a unique experience and if I die it--well, I die.”

“I was trying to be as kind to you as I could.”

She looked at him again. Tears sprang into her eyes once more and her heart was very full. The impulse was almost irresistible to fling herself on his breast and crush her lips against his. It was no use.

“If you want to know,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady,“I go with death in my heart and fear. I do not know what Walter has in that dark, twisted mind of his, but I'm shaking with terror. I think it may be that death will be really a release.”

She felt that she could not hold on to her self-control for another moment. She walked swiftly to the door and let herself out before he had time to move from his chair. Townsend gave a long sigh of relief. He badly wanted a brandy and soda.

她擦干了眼泪，试图镇定一下自己。

“查理，如果你把我抛弃，我会死的。”

现在她被迫开始想唤起他的同情了，也许早应该告诉他这一点了。这样当他知道她面临的可怕的生死抉择时，就会强烈激发起他的慷慨大度、他的正义之感、他的男子汉气概，他会考虑到她的危险而不会顾虑到其他的事情的。噢，她是多么充满激情地渴望他那亲切、有力的臂膀抱着她，保护她呀！

“沃尔特想让我去湄潭府。”

“呃，但是那个地方正在流行霍乱，正在遭遇五十年来最严重的瘟疫，不是女人该去的地方，你千万别去那儿。”

“如果你不管我，我就不得不去了。”

“你什么意思？我没明白。”

“沃尔特正打算替代那儿已经死去的传教士医生的位置，他想让我跟他一起去。”

“什么时候？”

“现在，马上动身。”

查理把椅子向后推开，困惑地看着她。

“我也许反应很迟钝，但我确实没搞明白你在说什么，如果他想让你跟他去那个地方，那离婚又是怎么回事？”

“他让我做出选择，要么我去湄潭府，要么他就要提出诉讼。”

“哦，我明白了。”汤森说话的口吻又开始有了些许的变化，“我倒是认为他相当勇气可嘉，不是吗？”

“勇气可嘉？”

“好了，他把去那儿当成见鬼的运动项目了，我可从来不敢想，当他回来的时候，毫无疑问会获得圣迈克尔和圣乔治勋爵荣衔[1]的。”

“但是我怎么办，查理？”她喊道，声音中带着极度的痛苦。

“好吧，我觉得如果他想让你去，在目前的状况下，我看你不好拒绝。”

“那意味着死亡，绝对的不归之路。”

“哦，老天爷，你太夸张了。如果他也这样认为的话，他是不会带上你的。与其说是你有危险，还不如说他的危险更大些。事实上，如果你加些小心，是不会冒很大的风险的。那儿闹霍乱的时候，我去过那儿，不是也毫发无损嘛。重要的是不要吃没煮熟的东西，不要吃生的水果和沙拉，或者诸如此类的东西，而且还要注意饮用水要煮沸。”他不断地往下说，信心也慢慢恢复了，言辞变得流利起来，甚至不再那么沉着脸了，神色也阴转晴了，几乎又轻松愉快了，“不管怎么说，那是他的工作，不是吗？他对细菌感兴趣，如果你考虑到这一点，对他来说，这还真是个千载难逢的好机会呢。”

“可我呢，查理？”她又重复道，但这次声音里不再有痛苦了，有的只是惊愕。

“嗯，理解一个男人的最好方式是换位思考，从他的角度上看，你是个相当淘气的小东西，他想让你别再闯祸了。我一直在想，他绝对不想跟你离婚，我印象中他绝不是那样的人。相反，他打定主意要给你提供一个慷慨大方的条件，而你却置之不理，不想接受。我不想责怪你，但如果你能真的为我们俩着想，我觉得你早就应该考虑一下这个条件了。”

“但是你看不出来这会害死我吗？难道你不明白他之所以要带我去那儿，就是因为他知道这样可以害死我吗？”

“哦，亲爱的，不要这样说嘛，我们现在的处境是相当尴尬的，真的没有时间去异想天开、耸人听闻了。”

“你已经铁了心不想去弄明白原委了。”噢，她心中的痛苦和恐惧几乎让她尖叫起来，“你不能把我推向死亡，即使你对我没有爱情和怜悯，你应该还有正常人的感情呀。”

“我认为你这样说我有点儿过于刻薄了。就我目前的判断，你丈夫的行为已经够宽宏大量的了，如果你听从他的条件，他愿意原谅你。他想带你走，不过是把你带到某个地方待上几个月，你就不会再闯祸了。我不能假装说湄潭府是一个让人身心健康的胜地，但是也没有什么理由紧张兮兮的。实际上，你要是过度紧张反而是最糟糕的事情。我认为，在一场瘟疫当中，死于恐惧的人和纯粹死于感染的人一样多。”

“可是我现在就怕得要死，当沃尔特说到这事的时候，我都快吓晕过去了。”

“在一开始的时候，我能十分理解，这听上去确实吓人，但是当你冷静下来再看待它时，就很平常了，它会是某种并非每个人都能拥有的体验。”

“我还以为，我还以为……”

她在痛苦中摇摆不定，他也不再说话，脸再一次阴沉了下来，这副表情是她以前从来没见过的。凯蒂现在不哭了，她的眼泪已经哭干。她冷静下来，虽然声音还是低沉的，但已经平稳了。

“你是想让我去，是吗？”

“除此之外，别无选择，不是吗？”

“是吗？”

“我直截了当地告诉你吧，如果你丈夫闹到法庭要跟你离婚，而且赢了离婚官司，我也不会娶你的。”

他似乎等待了很长时间，才听到她的回答，她慢慢站起身来。

“我认为我丈夫从来没想过提出离婚诉讼。”

“那么看在上帝的分儿上，你为什么要一直吓唬我，让我不知所措呢？”他问道。

她冷冷地看着他。

“他知道你会牺牲掉我的。”

她安静了下来，模模糊糊地意识到了什么，就像你在学习一门外语，或者读一段你完全不明就里的文字，直到一个词或者一个句子给了你某种提示，在半信半疑之间，你受到困扰的头脑突然灵光一现。她隐隐约约地寻到了一种迹象，能够摸透沃尔特的思路，就像一道闪电划过了黑暗和预示着不祥的夜空，但片刻之后，又隐藏在了黑夜之中。她对所看到的一切感到不寒而栗。

“他之所以这样威胁我，是因为他知道这样可以把你逼到墙角，查理。也真是怪了，他把你看得那么准，就像他能把我暴露在残忍的幻灭之中，让我彻底清醒。”

查理低头看着面前的一张吸墨纸，皱着眉，嘴角耷拉着，但没有作声。

“他知道你是虚伪、懦弱和自私的。他想让我用自己的眼睛看清这一点；他知道在危险来临的时候，你会像兔子一样逃脱；他知道我被你的花言巧语骗得晕头转向，以为你爱我，其实他清楚你除了你自己，是不会真正爱上别人的；他知道你会毫不心疼地牺牲掉我，来挽救你的颜面。”

“如果说这些恶毒的话能让你满意，我觉得我没有权利再争辩什么了。女人们总是不太公平，她们通常会冤枉一个男人，但是另外一方是有苦衷的。”

她没有注意到他的插话。

“现在我也知道了他所察觉到的一切，知道你是个铁石心肠、薄情寡义的人，知道你是个自私的人，自私得无以言表，知道你是个胆小如鼠的人，知道你是个满嘴谎话和花言巧语的人，知道你是个彻头彻尾的卑鄙的小人。但可悲的是……”她的脸因为极度的痛苦而扭曲，“可悲的是，即使是这样，我还在全心全意地爱着你。”

“凯蒂。”

她发出了一声苦笑。他总是能用一种融化人心的、语气丰富的、随时可用的声音呼唤她的名字，但根本没有什么实质内容。

“你个蠢货。”她说道。

他迅速地后退了一步，面红耳赤，感觉受到了冒犯，他不明白她什么意思。她瞥了他一眼，眼光中有着一丝戏谑。

“你现在开始讨厌我了，是吧？好吧，随你便吧，现在对我来说也无所谓了。”

她开始戴手套了。

“你下一步要干什么？”他问道。

“哦，别害怕，你不会受到什么伤害的，你很安全。”

“看在上帝的分儿上，别那么说话，凯蒂。”他回答道，低沉的声音中透着焦虑，“你得明白我们是一条绳上的蚂蚱，我对接下来会发生的事十分担惊受怕，你会对你丈夫说些什么？”

“我会告诉他我准备和他一起去湄潭府。”

“兴许你同意了，他倒不再坚持了。”

他不知道为什么，当他说这话的时候，她用一种很奇怪的表情看着他。

“你真的不害怕吗？”他问她。

“不怕。”她说道，“你激发了我的勇气，去霍乱瘟疫爆发的中心将会是一次独特的体验，而且如果我死了——呃，就让我死吧。”

“我是想尽可能地对你好的。”

她再次看着他，泪水再一次涌了出来，心里被某种情绪充得满满的，几乎有一种抑制不住的冲动想扑到他的怀中，把她的双唇紧紧地压在他的双唇上。但是已经没用了。

“如果你想知道，”她说道，试图让她的声音趋于平稳，“我心里明白，这是在赴死，我也很恐惧。我不知道沃尔特黑暗、扭曲的内心是怎么想的，我因为害怕而发抖，可死亡对我来说也许真的是一种解脱。”

她觉得再待一会儿她会控制不了自己的，于是在他有时间从椅子边站起身之前，快步走到了门边，开门走了。汤森如释重负地发出一声长长的叹息，他现在很想喝上一杯带苏打水的白兰地。

* * *

[1]圣迈克尔和圣乔治勋爵荣衔（C.M.G），是英国传统荣誉制度的一种，往往授予为英国做出突出贡献的人。