英文
Chapter 18
Next day Julia got Dolly on her private number.
“Darling, it seems ages since I've seen you. What have you been doing with yourself all this time?”
“Nothing very much.”
Dolly's voice sounded cold.
“Now listen, Roger's coming home tomorrow. You know he's leaving Eton for good. I'm sending the car for him early and I want you to come to lunch. Not a party; only you and me, Michael and Roger.”
“I'm lunching out tomorrow.”
In twenty years Dolly had never been engaged when Julia wanted her to do something with her. The voice at the other end of the telephone was hostile.
“Dolly, how can you be so unkind? Roger'll be terribly disappointed. His first day at home; besides, I want to see you. I haven't seen you for ages and I miss you terribly. Can't you break your engagement, just for this once, darling, and we'll have a good old gossip after lunch, just you and me?”
No one could be more persuasive than Julia when she liked, no one could put more tenderness into her voice, nor a more irresistible appeal. There was a moment's pause and Julia knew that Dolly was struggling with her wounded feelings.
“All right, darling, I'll manage.”
“Darling.” But when she rang off Julia through clenched teeth muttered: “The old cow.”
Dolly came. Roger listened politely while she told him that he had grown and with his grave smile answered her suitably when she said the sort of things she thought proper to a boy of his age. Julia was puzzled by him. Without talking much he listened, apparently with attention, to what the rest of them were saying, but she had an odd feeling that he was occupied with thoughts of his own. He seemed to observe them with a detached curiosity like that with which he might have observed animals in a zoo. It was faintly disquieting. When the opportunity presented itself she delivered the little bit of dialogue she had prepared for Dolly's benefit.
“Oh, Roger darling, you know your wretched father's busy tonight. I've got a couple of seats for the second house at the Palladium and Tom wants you to dine with him at the Café Royal.”
“Oh!” He paused for a second. “All right.”
She turned to Dolly.
“It's so nice for Roger to have somebody like Tom to go about with. They're great friends, you know.”
Michael gave Dolly a glance. There was a twinkle in his eyes. He spoke.
“Tom's a very decent sort of boy. He won't let Roger get into any mischief.”
“I should have thought Roger would prefer to go about with his Eton friends,” said Dolly.
“Old cow,” thought Julia. “Old cow.”
But when lunch was over she asked her to come up to her room.
“I'll get into bed and you can talk to me while I'm resting. A good old girls' gossip, that's what I want.”
She put her arm affectionately round Dolly's vast waist and led her upstairs. For a while they spoke of indifferent things, clothes and servants, make-up and scandal; then Julia, leaning on her elbow, looked at Dolly with confiding eyes.
“Dolly, there's something I want to talk to you about. I want advice and you're the only person in the world whose advice I would take. I know I can trust you.”
“Of course, darling.”
“It appears that people are saying rather disagreeable things about me. Someone's been to Michael and told him that there's a lot of gossip about me and poor Tom Fennell.”
Though her eyes still wore the charming and appealing look that she knew Dolly found irresistible, she watched her closely for a start or for some change in her expression. She saw nothing.
“Who told Michael?”
“I don't know. He won't say. You know what he is when he starts being a perfect gentleman.”
She wondered if she only imagined that Dolly's features at this slightly relaxed.
“I want the truth, Dolly.”
“I'm so glad you've asked me, darling. You know how I hate to interfere in other people's business and if you hadn't brought the matter up yourself nothing would have induced me to mention it.”
“My dear, if I don't know that you're a loyal friend, who does?”
Dolly slipped off her shoes and settled down massively in her chair. Julia never took her eyes off her.
“You know how malicious people are. You've always led such a quiet, regular life. You've gone out so little, and then only with Michael or Charles Tamerley. He's different; of course everyone knows he's adored you for ages. It seems so funny that all of a sudden you should run around all over the place with a clerk in the firm that does your accounts.”
“He isn't exactly that. His father has bought him a share in the firm and he's a junior partner.”
“Yes, he gets four hundred a year.”
“How d'you know?” asked Julia quickly.
This time she was certain that Dolly was disconcerted.
“You persuaded me to go to his firm about my income tax. One of the head partners told me. It seems a little strange that on that he should be able to have a flat, dress the way he does and take people to night clubs.”
“For all I know his father may make him an allowance.”
“His father's a solicitor in the North of London. You know very well that if he's bought him a partnership he isn't making him an allowance as well.”
“Surely you don't imagine that I'm keeping him,” said Julia, with a ringing laugh.
“I don't imagine anything, darling. Other people do.”
Julia liked neither the words Dolly spoke nor the way she said them. But she gave no sign of her uneasiness.
“It's too absurd. He's Roger's friend much more than mine. Of course I've been about with him. I felt I was getting too set. I'm tired of just going to the theatre and taking care of myself. It's no life. After all if I don't enjoy myself a little now I never shall. I'm getting on, you know, Dolly, it's no good denying it. You know what Michael is; of course he's sweet, but he is a bore.”
“No more a bore than he's ever been,” said Dolly acidly.
“I should have thought I was the last person anyone would dream would have an affair with a boy twenty years younger than myself.”
“Twenty-five,” corrected Dolly. “I should have thought so too. Unfortunately he's not very discreet.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, he's told Avice Crichton that he'll get her a part in your next play.”
“Who the devil is Avice Crichton?”
“Oh, she's a young actress I know. She's as pretty as a picture.”
“He's only a silly kid. I suppose he thinks he can get round Michael. You know what Michael is with his little bits.”
“He says he can get you to do anything he wants. He says you just eat out of his hand.”
It was lucky for Julia that she was a good actress. For a second her heart stood still. How could he say a thing like that? The fool. The blasted fool. But recovering herself at once she laughed lightly.
“What nonsense! I don't believe a word of it.”
“He's a very commonplace, rather vulgar young man. It's not surprising if all the fuss you've made of him has turned his head.”
Julia, smiling good-naturedly, looked at her with ingenuous eyes.
“But, darling, you don't think he's my lover, do you?”
“If I don't, I'm the only person who doesn't.”
“And do you?”
For a minute Dolly did not answer. They looked at one another steadily, their hearts were black with hatred; but Julia still smiled.
“If you give me your solemn word of honour that he isn't, of course I'll believe you.”
Julia dropped her voice to a low, grave note. It had a true ring of sincerity:
“I've never told you a lie yet, Dolly, and I'm too old to begin now. I give you my solemn word of honour that Tom has never been anything more to me than just a friend.”
“You take a great weight off my mind.”
Julia knew that Dolly did not believe her and Dolly was aware that Julia knew it. She went on.
“But in that case, for your own sake, Julia dear, do be sensible. Don't go about with this young man any more. Drop him.”
“Oh, I couldn't do that. That would be an admission that people were right in what they thought. After all, my conscience is clear. I can afford to hold my head high. I should despise myself if I allowed my behaviour to be influenced by malicious gossip.”
Dolly slipped her feet back into he shoes and getting her lipstick out of her bag did her lips.
“Well, dear, you're old enough to know your own mind.”
They parted coldly.
But one or two of Dolly's remarks had been somewhat of a shock to Julia. They rankled. It was disconcerting that gossip had so nearly reached the truth. But did it matter? Plenty of women had lovers and who bothered? And an actress. No one expected an actress to be a pattern of propriety.
“It's my damned virtue. That's at the bottom of the trouble.”
She had acquired the reputation of a perfectly virtuous woman, whom the tongue of scandal could not touch, and now it looked as though her reputation was a prison that she had built round herself. But there was worse. What had Tom meant by saying that she ate out of his hand? That deeply affronted her. Silly little fool. How dare he? She didn't know what to do about it either. She would have liked to tax him with it. What was the good? He would deny it. The only thing was to say nothing; it had all gone too far now, she must accept everything. It was no good not facing the truth, he didn't love her, he was her lover because it gratified his self-esteem, because it brought him various things he cared for and because in his own eyes at least it gave him a sort of position.
“If I had any sense I'd chuck him.” She gave an angry laugh. “It's easy to say that. I love him.”
The strange thing was that when she looked into her heart it was not Julia Lambert the woman who resented the affront, she didn't care for herself, it was the affront to Julia Lambert the actress that stung her. She had often felt that her talent, genius the critics called it, but that was a very grand word, her gift, if you like, was not really herself, not even part of her, but something outside that used her, Julia Lambert the woman, in order to express itself. It was a strange, immaterial personality that seemed to descend upon her and it did things through her that she did not know she was capable of doing. She was an ordinary, prettyish, ageing woman. Her gift had neither age nor form. It was a spirit that played on her body as the violinist plays on his violin. It was the slight to that that galled her.
She tried to sleep. She was so accustomed to sleeping in the afternoon that she could always drop off the moment she composed herself, but on this occasion she turned restlessly from side to side and sleep would not come. At last she looked at the clock. Tom often got back from his office soon after five. She yearned for him; in his arms was peace, when she was with him nothing else mattered. She dialled his number.
“Hulloa? Yes. Who is it?”
She held the receiver to her ear, panic-stricken. It was Roger's voice. She hung up.
中文
第十八章
第二天，朱莉娅用私人电话打给了多莉。
“亲爱的，似乎有好久没见到你了。这段时间你自己忙什么呢？”
“并没有什么。”
多莉的声音听起来很冷漠。
“听着，罗杰明天就到家了。你知道，他要离开伊顿了。我会派车早一点去接他回来，我想让你过来吃午餐。不是聚会，就只有你、我、迈克尔和罗杰。”
“明天我有约要出去吃午餐。”
有二十年了，只要朱莉娅邀请多莉一同做什么事情，她永远都会奉陪。电话那端的声音听起来充满敌意。
“多莉，你怎么能这么无情？罗杰会非常失望的。他第一天到家；另外，我也想见你。我好久都没见到你了，非常想念你。难道不能失约一次？就这一次，亲爱的，午饭后我们好好聊一聊，就你和我？”
当朱莉娅愿意的时候，没有人能比她更具有说服力，谁的声音都不如她的柔情似水，谁的恳求都不如她的无法抵挡。电话那端有一阵停顿，朱莉娅知道多莉在和她自己那受伤的感情做斗争。
“好吧，亲爱的，我会想想办法的。”
“亲爱的。”朱莉娅挂掉电话后咬牙切齿地说道，“这头老母牛。”
多莉来了。她对罗杰说他长大了，以及一些她认为适合这个年纪的男孩的话，罗杰在一旁彬彬有礼，并适时地用他那沉重的微笑予以回应。他让朱莉娅感到困惑。他话很少，只顾听着其他人的对话，似乎全神贯注，但朱莉娅有种奇怪的感觉，觉得他在想自己的事情。他似乎以一种抽离的好奇心在观察他们，就好像他在观察动物园里的动物。这让人有点不安。当机会来了，朱莉娅便说出为多莉所准备的那一小段对话。
“哦，亲爱的罗杰，你知道你可怜的父亲今晚很忙。我有两张帕拉狄昂剧院第二场的戏票，汤姆想跟你在皇家咖啡馆吃饭。”
“哦！”罗杰停顿了一下，“好的。”
她转向多莉。
“有汤姆这样的人能陪罗杰一起真是太好了。他们是很好的朋友，你知道吧。”
迈克尔瞟了多莉一眼，眼睛里放着光。他说道：
“汤姆是个非常体面的男孩。他不会让罗杰惹上什么麻烦的。”
“我以为罗杰会更愿意跟他伊顿的朋友们一起出去。”多莉说道。
“老母牛，”朱莉娅心里想着，“老母牛。”
当午饭结束后，她邀请多莉去她的房间。
“我要上床睡一会儿，我休息的时候你可以跟我聊天。属于两个老女孩之间的谈话，这正是我想要的。”
她用胳膊亲切地缠住多莉粗壮的腰身，领着她上了楼。一开始，她们聊一些无关紧要的事情，衣服、仆人、化妆还有丑闻；然后朱莉娅倚着她的胳膊肘，用信任的眼光看着多莉。
“多莉，有些事情我想告诉你。我需要建议，而这世上唯有你的建议我会听。我知道我能相信你。”
“当然，亲爱的。”
“似乎有人在传一些有关我的很不好听的话。有人去跟迈克尔讲了，告诉他社会上有好多关于我和可怜的汤姆·芬内尔的流言。”
尽管她的眼睛依旧闪烁着迷人而富有感染力的光芒，她知道多莉无法抵御这眼神，但她密切注视着对方，看多莉脸上会不会显露出震惊或表情有所变化。然而她什么也没看到。
“谁告诉迈克尔的？”
“我不知道。他不肯说。你知道当他绅士起来的时候是什么样。”
她不知是否只是她的想象，似乎多莉听到了这话后稍稍放松了些。
“我想知道真相，多莉。”
“我很开心你来问我，亲爱的。你知道我有多讨厌干涉别人的事情，如果你自己不提起它，谁也不会诱使我提到它。”
“我的宝贝，如果连我都不知道你有多么忠诚，还有谁知道？”
多莉脱掉鞋子，扎实地坐在她的椅子里。朱莉娅的目光始终都没有离开她。
“你知道人心可以多坏。你一直都过着平静规矩的生活。你几乎不会外出，要么就只跟迈克尔或者查尔斯·泰默利出去。他不一样；所有人都知道他爱慕了你这么多年。因此，突然间你跟着一个做你剧院账务的公司职员满世界跑，这看起来很可笑。”
“他并不只是个职员。他父亲为他买了那个公司的一部分股份，他是一个初级合伙人。”
“是的，他一年挣四百英镑。”
“你怎么知道的？”朱莉娅立刻问道。
这次，她很肯定多莉有一点不安。
“你劝我去他的公司咨询收入税的事情。其中一个主要的合伙人告诉我的。就凭他那点薪水，竟能住得起一套公寓，穿得阔气，还带人去夜总会。”
“据我所知，他父亲还给他额外的津贴。”
“他父亲是伦敦北部的一个律师。你应该很清楚，如果他父亲给他购买了合伙股份，是没有能力再给他什么津贴了。”
“你肯定不会猜想是我在养着他吧。”朱莉娅说道，发出清脆的笑声。
“我什么也没乱猜，亲爱的。而其他人在这么做。”
朱莉娅既不喜欢多莉所说的话，也不喜欢她说话的方式。但她没有表露出任何不舒服的信号。
“太荒唐了。比起跟我的友谊，他更是罗杰的朋友。当然，最近我跟他一起跑东跑西，但那是因为我觉得我的生活太死板了。我厌恶了每天去剧院、自己照顾自己。没有生活可言。毕竟，如果我现在不享受一下，我再也不会有机会了。我越来越老了，多莉，你知道，这也用不着否定。而且，你知道迈克尔的样子，当然他很可爱，但他令人厌烦。”
“不会有人比过去的他更令人厌烦吧。”多莉尖酸地说。
“我本以为，人们不会觉得我会跟一个比自己小二十岁的男孩发生什么私情。”
“二十五岁，”多莉纠正道，“我也以为这样。不幸的是，他并没有很小心谨慎。”
“你这是什么意思？”
“他告诉艾维丝·克赖顿他会在你的下一部戏剧中帮她争取到一个角色。”
“艾维丝·克赖顿是谁？”
“哦，她是个我认识的年轻演员。她美得如同一幅画。”
“他只是一个傻孩子。我设想他或许觉得可以让迈克尔同意吧。你知道，迈克尔是如何对待他的那些小角色的。”
“他说他能让你做任何他想做的事情。他说你完全听他的。”
幸亏朱莉娅是个好演员。有一秒，她的心脏停止了跳动。他怎么能那么说？蠢东西。该死的蠢货。但她立刻让自己镇定下来，轻轻地笑了笑。
“一派胡言！我一点都不信。”
“他是个极其普通，甚至有点恶俗的年轻男人。如果你对他的小题大做让他昏了头，这一点也不惊奇。”
朱莉娅好性子地微笑着，坦诚地看着多莉。
“但是，亲爱的，你不会觉得他是我的情人吧？”
“如果我不这么觉得，我就是唯一那个不这么认为的人了。”
“那么你这么认为吗？”
有一阵多莉没有回答。她们紧紧盯着彼此，心中满怀恨意；但朱莉娅还是微笑着。
“如果你用人格担保，对我发誓，我当然会相信你。”
朱莉娅让声音变得低沉严肃。这确实有了一种真诚的效果。
“我从来没有对你撒过谎，多莉，我年纪这么大了也不可能再对你撒谎。我向你发誓，汤姆对我而言仅仅是一个朋友。”
“你把我心头一块重重的石头搬走了。”
朱莉娅知道多莉并没有相信她，多莉也知道朱莉娅很明白这一点。她继续说道：
“但为了以防万一，为了你好，朱莉娅宝贝儿，明智一些。不要再跟那个年轻人四处跑了。甩掉他。”
“哦，我不能那么做。那样的话不就承认了人们所想的是对的吗？反正我问心无愧。我没什么可羞耻的。如果我让可恶的流言影响了我的行为，我会瞧不起我自己。”
多莉穿上了鞋，从她的手提包中拿出口红涂嘴唇。
“好吧，亲爱的，你这年纪也知道自己想要什么了。”
她们冷淡地分了手。
但多莉的一两句话让朱莉娅有点震惊，让她难以释怀。流言如此接近事实让她惶惶不安。但这真的有什么了不起吗？很多女人都有情人，谁又会管呢？一个女演员。没人会期望一个女演员是守规矩的典型。
“是我那该死的美德。这才是问题的症结所在。”
她有一个贞洁无比的女人的名声，丑闻的毒舌从来触摸不到她，而现在看起来，她的名声更像是她为自己建起来的一座监狱。但还有更糟糕的。汤姆说的她完全任他摆布是什么意思？这深深地冒犯了她。愚蠢的小傻子。他怎么敢这么说？她不知道对此该怎么办。她本想对他痛骂一番。但那又有什么用？他会否认这一切。唯一的方法就是什么都不说；现在一切都为时已晚，她必须接受一切。逃避真相一点用都没有，他不爱她，他做她的情人就是因为这关系满足了他的自尊，给了他在乎的一切，在他眼里这关系至少给他带来一种地位。
“如果我有脑子的话，我应该甩掉他。”她生气地大笑了一声，“说起来容易。但我爱他。”
奇怪的是，当她审视内心时，发现并不是朱莉娅·兰伯特这个女人在憎恨这种冒犯，她不关心自己，实际上，对朱莉娅·兰伯特这个女演员的冒犯让她内心刺痛。她曾经经常觉得，她的才能，评论家口中的天才，但这词太宏大，那就叫她的天赋吧，其实并不属于她自己，甚至不是她的一部分，而更像是外在的什么东西通过她——朱莉娅·兰伯特这个女人——来表达自己。它似乎是降临在她身上的一种奇怪而无形的人格，通过她做出一些她并不知道自己可以做的一些事情。她是一个普通的还算美丽的、正在衰老的女人。她的天赋既没有年龄又没有形体。它是一种在她身体上起着作用的精神，就像小提琴家弹奏他的小提琴一样。正是对这精神的轻蔑让她难过。
她试着入睡。她习惯于在下午睡一会儿，只要一静下心来就能入睡，但是这次她翻来覆去，总是睡不着。最后她看了眼时钟。汤姆一般在五点稍过一点儿从事务所回来。她渴望着他；在他的怀抱里会有安宁，和他在一起时，一切都抛到九霄云外了。她拨了他的电话号码。
“哈喽？是的。你是谁？”
她把话筒按在耳朵上，目瞪口呆。这是罗杰的声音。她把电话挂了。
