Rules are Rules

INTRODUCTION

A man wants to keep an animal in his house. It isn't a cat or a dog, but a monkey. He needs a licence for the monkey, so he goes to the office which gives out licences. But people who work in offices like having rules, and rules cannot be broken. So getting a licence is more difficult than the man thought.

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY

Woman who works in the office

Man with a monkey

PERFORMANCE NOTES

The scene is an office. There is a sign that says ROOM 365 on the wall. There are three chairs near the door, and a table and two chairs in the middle of the room. There is a telephone on the table. A woman is sitting writing at the table. A man is waiting at the open door. He is carrying a monkey.

You will need a telephone, two numbered tickets, some photos, a sign saying ROOM 563, a sign saying ROOM 365, and a monkey.

WOMAN

(Not looking up) Come in.

MAN

(Coming in) Good morning.

The woman is writing. She doesn't answer.

MAN

Hello – er – Excuse me.

WOMAN

(Looking up angrily) Have you got a number?

MAN

Sorry?

WOMAN

You can get a ticket with a number outside the door. Before you come in. Have you got a number?

MAN

(Looking round) But there's no one here. Only me! So I don't need a number, do I?

WOMAN

That doesn't matter. Everybody must have a number.(She begins writing again.)

MAN

Oh, I see. All right. (He goes out.)

WOMAN

(Without looking up) Number 68. (She waits a minute.) Number 69. (She waits.) Number 70.

The man comes back with his ticket.

MAN

I've got my number now.

WOMAN

(Looking up angrily) Can you wait over there please! Sit on one of those chairs near the door!

MAN

But—

WOMAN

I have work to do, I'm afraid. Please wait.

The man goes to sit near the door. The woman makes a phone call.

WOMAN

Hello, Tom. It's Pam. I'm calling from work. You're having dinner at my house today, remember? Wonderful! Goodbye, darling!

She calls out numbers, without looking up, and waits for a minute between the numbers.

WOMAN

Number 71. Number 72. Number 73. (Looking at the man) What number have you got?

MAN

89

WOMAN

Oh, you're going to wait a long time, then.

MAN

But why? There's no one here! Why must I wait?

WOMAN

Rules are rules, sir. (Calling out numbers again) Number 74. Number 75. Number 76.

MAN

Wait a minute!

WOMAN

You must wait for your number, sir.

MAN

But you called my number! Just now!

WOMAN

No, I called 76 and your number's 89.

MAN

No, no, it isn't. I was wrong. Look! It isn't 89, it's 68! (He turns his ticket the other way up.)

WOMAN

But I'm on 76 now. Why didn't you answer when I called your number?

MAN

I'm sorry. I didn't know. But I'm here now, and I need to see you. It's important!

WOMAN

Well, the rules say – oh, all right then.

The man sits down at the table, in front of the woman.

WOMAN

Now how can I help you?

MAN

Is this Room 365?

WOMAN

Yes, it is.

MAN

Good. Well, I'm here because of my monkey.

WOMAN

Ah. Have you got a licence for it?

Wonderful! Goodbye, darling!'

MAN

No, that's why I'm here.

WOMAN

Has the monkey got a number?

MAN

Sorry?

WOMAN

Did you get a ticket with a number for the monkey, when you came in?

MAN

No, I didn't.

WOMAN

There are two of you, so I need two numbers.

MAN

Just a minute. (He runs off and comes back with a ticket for the monkey.) Here you are, then.

WOMAN

Good. Now can you give me your PM624, please?

MAN

Sorry, what's that?

WOMAN

A PM624? You write down the answers to a lot of questions about yourself and your monkey, on the PM624. It's very important.

MAN

Well, can you give me one, please?

WOMAN

No, I'm sorry, I can't.

MAN

Well, where can I get one, then?

WOMAN

Wait a moment, I must make a phone call.(Telephoning) Hello, Tom, it's Pam again. No, I'm at work. Can you bring a bottle with you when you come? All right. Goodbye, darling! (To the man) Right, now where were we?

MAN

A PM624?

WOMAN

Ah, yes. Well, have you got eight photos?

MAN

Eight photos?

WOMAN

Yes, four of you and four of the monkey.

MAN

Yes, I have. (He gives her some photos.)

WOMAN

Good. (Looking at the photos carefully) Wait a minute. These are very bad photos of you.

MAN

(Looking at the photos, then laughing) No, no! Those are the photos of the monkey! The other ones are the photos of me!

WOMAN

Ah, yes. Excuse me, I must make a quick phone call.(Telephoning) Hello, Tom. Pam here again. No, at the office. Shall we go to the cinema tonight? OK, I can get the tickets when I leave work. Goodbye, darling!(To the man) Right, now where were we?

MAN

I'm waiting for a PM624.

WOMAN

Ah, I see.

MAN

Well, can I have one?

WOMAN

Let me see, what day is it today?

MAN

Tuesday. Why?

WOMAN

Well, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays you get PM624s from this office, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays you get them from Room 563.

MAN

Room 563! Where's that?

WOMAN

Oh, it's easy to find. Go out of the door. (The man goes out.) Go upstairs.

MAN

(Calling from offstage) OK! What next?

WOMAN

(Taking down sign saying ROOM 365) Go left, left and left again.

MAN

(Calling from offstage) Right!

WOMAN

Not right! Left, left and left again! Now come downstairs and it's the office on your right. (She puts up a sign saying ROOM 563 on the wall.)

MAN

(Coming in) Hello. Oh, it's you.

WOMAN

Hello, this is Room 563. Can I help you?

MAN

But I was in this room just now. It's Room 365.

WOMAN

No, it's Room 563. Look, it says ROOM 563 on the wall. Can I help you?

MAN

I'd like a PM624, please.

WOMAN

Good, good. Do sit down.

MAN

(Sitting down) But I don't understand!

WOMAN

Well, you see, I'm doing the work of two people. I work in Room 365 and Room 563. So I put the two rooms together. It's easier for me.

MAN

Oh, I see. Well, can I have a PM624, please?

WOMAN

Excuse me a minute. (Telephoning) Hello, Tom, Pam again. Yes, I'm going to be home soon. OK. See you soon. Goodbye, darling!

MAN

Can I have my PM624 now, please?

WOMAN

Let me see. It's for this monkey, is it?

MAN

Yes, that's right.

WOMAN

Is it a working monkey?

MAN

It doesn't do any work, no. It lives in my house.

WOMAN

That's OK then, because for a working monkey the PM624 is no good at all.

MAN

(Angrily) Now look, are you going to give me that PM624 or not? I arrived here half an hour ago. First you told me to get a ticket, no, two tickets.

WOMAN

Everybody needs a ticket. That's the rule.

MAN

(More angrily) Then you asked for eight photos. Then you told me to leave the room and come back again.

WOMAN

To a different room. Room 563.

MAN

Now you're asking, is it a working monkey? And all the time you phone your friend Tom and talk about dinner and the cinema and...

He begins to cry.

WOMAN

I don't make the rules. I only work here, you know.

MAN

(Feeling better) Yes, I know. I'm sorry. Can I have the PM624 now, please?

WOMAN

Wait a minute. What's the time?

MAN

(Looking at his watch) One minute past five. Why?

WOMAN

Oh dear! This office closes at five. Can you come back tomorrow?

MAN

Aaaaargh! (He runs off, crying.)

Can I have the PM624 now, please?'

licence n. a piece of paper showing that you are allowed to do something 许可证

upstairs adv. towards a higher floor in a building, using the stairs 往楼上

照章办事

内容简介

一个男人想在家里养只动物。不是猫，也不是狗，而是一只猴子。他需要为猴子办理一张许可证，于是来到了办证的办公室。但是在办公室工作的人都喜欢条条框框的规章，而且坚持照章办事。于是，办理一张许可证可比这个男人想的要难得多。

剧中人物

女办事员

带着一只猴子的男人

场景说明

场景是一间办公室。墙上有个牌子写着“365室”。门边有三把椅子，房间中央有一张桌子和两把椅子。桌上有一部电话。一个女人正坐在桌旁写东西。一个男人在敞开的门旁等候，他抱着一只猴子。

要准备一部电话，两张号码条，几张照片，一个写着“563室”的牌子，一个写着“365室”的牌子和一只猴子。

女人：

（没有抬头）进来。

男人：

（走进来）早上好。

女人正在写东西，没有答话。

男人：

你好——呃——抱歉打扰一下。

女人：

（生气地抬起头）你有号吗？

男人：

什么号？

女人：

你进来之前，可以在门外取一个号。你有号吗？

男人：

（四下看看）可是这儿没人啊。只有我！所以我用不着取号，不是吗？

女人：

那不重要，任何人都得取号。（她又埋头写起来。）

男人：

哦，我明白了。好吧。（他走了出去。）

女人：

（没有抬头）68号。（她等了一会儿。）69号。（她等了等。）70号。

男人拿着他的号码回来了。

男人：

我现在有号了。

女人：

（生气地抬起头）请你到那边等着！在门边找个椅子坐下！

男人：

可是——

女人：

对不起，我有工作要做。请等一下。

男人到门边坐下。女人打了个电话。

女人：

喂，汤姆。我是帕姆。我在办公室给你打电话。你今天要来我家吃饭，记得吗？好极了！再见，亲爱的！

她埋头叫了几个号码，每叫一个号码停顿一会儿。

女人：

71号。72号。73号。（看向男人）你取的是几号？

男人：

89。

女人：

哦，那你还得等很久。

男人：

可是为什么？这里根本没有人！我为什么还得等？

女人：

要照章办事，先生。（又开始叫号）74号。75号。76号。

男人：

等等！

女人：

你得等我叫到你的号，先生。

男人：

但是你已经叫过我的号了！就在刚才！

女人：

不对，我叫的是76号，你是89号。

男人：

不，不是。我看错了。看！这不是89，是68！（他把号码条倒了过来。）

女人：

可是我现在叫到76号了。我叫到你的号时，你怎么不答应？

男人：

对不起，我不知道。不过我现在就在这儿，我需要见你，这件事很重要！

女人：

呃，规定上说——哦，那好吧。

男人走到桌旁，坐在女人对面。

女人：

好了，您有什么事情？

男人：

这是365室吧？

女人：

是的。

男人：

好。嗯，我来是为了我的猴子。

女人：

啊，你给它办理许可证了吗？

男人：

没有，所以我才来这儿。

女人：

猴子有号吗？

男人：

什么？

女人：

你进来的时候给猴子取号了吗？

男人：

没有。

女人：

你们有两位，所以我需要两个号。

男人：

稍等。（他跑出去给猴子取了一个号返回。）给你。

女人：

好的。现在请把你的PM624给我。

男人：

抱歉，那是什么？

女人：

PM624吗？你要在PM624表格上回答很多关于你自己和你的猴子的问题，这个很重要。

男人：

好吧，那你能给我一张表格吗？

女人：

不行，抱歉我给不了。

男人：

好吧，那我到哪儿能弄一张？

女人：

稍等，我得打个电话。（打电话）喂，汤姆，又是我，帕姆。不是，我在上班。你来的时候能带瓶酒吗？好的，再见，亲爱的！（对男人）好了，我们说到哪儿了？

男人：

PM624表格？

女人：

啊，对。好的，你带了八张照片来吗？

男人：

八张照片？

女人：

对，四张你的，四张猴子的。

男人：

我带了。（他递给女办事员几张照片。）

女人：

好。（仔细地看照片）等一下。你的这几张照片拍得很糟糕。

男人：

（看了看照片，笑起来）不是，不是！那几张照片是猴子的！另外几张才是我的！

女人：

啊，对。不好意思，我得打个电话，很快就好。（打电话）喂，汤姆，还是我，帕姆。不是，在办公室。我们今晚要不要去看电影？好的，我下班后去买票。再见，亲爱的！（对男人）好了，我们说到哪儿了？

男人：

我在等着要一张PM624表格。

女人：

啊，我知道了。

男人：

那么，能给我一张吗？

女人：

让我看看，今天星期几？

男人：

星期二。为什么问这个？

女人：

嗯，星期一、星期三和星期五，你可以从这个办公室领PM624表格，但是星期二和星期四，你要从563室领表格。

男人：

563室！那个房间在哪儿？

女人：

哦，很容易找。从这个门出去。（男人走了出去。）上楼。

男人：

（声音从台下传来）好的！然后呢？

女人：

（把写着“365室”的牌子摘下来）左转，左转，再左转。

男人：

（声音从台下传来）好的！

女人：

不是右转！左转，左转，再左转！现在下楼，就是你右手边的办公室。（她把写着“563室”的牌子挂到墙上。）

男人：

（走进来）你好。哦，是你。

女人：

你好，这里是563室。有什么事情吗？

男人：

可我刚才就在这个房间，这是365室。

女人：

不是，这是563室。看，墙上写着“563室”。有什么事情吗？

男人：

请给我一张PM624表格。

女人：

好的，好的。请坐。

男人：

（坐下）可是我不明白！

女人：

好吧，你看到了，我在做两个人的工作。我在365室和563室办公，所以我把这两个房间合并了。这样我比较方便。

男人：

哦，我明白了。好吧，能给我一张PM624表格吗？

女人：

请稍等。（打电话）喂，汤姆，还是我，帕姆。对，我很快就要回家了。好，一会儿见。再见，亲爱的！

男人：

现在能给我PM624表格吗？

女人：

让我看看。是给这只猴子的，对吗？

男人：

对，没错。

女人：

是只要工作的猴子吗？

男人：

不是，它不工作。它住在我家里。

女人：

那就好，因为PM624表格对要工作的猴子无效。

男人：

（生气地）行了，你到底给不给我PM624表格？我半个小时之前就来了。你先是叫我去取一个号，不对，是两个号。

女人：

谁都得有号。这是规定。

男人：

（愈发生气）接着你又要八张照片。然后你又让我从这个房间出去又回来。

女人：

是让你去另一个房间，563室。

男人：

现在你又问这是不是一只有工作的猴子？这同时你一直在给你的朋友汤姆打电话，聊吃饭、看电影，还有……

他哭了起来。

女人：

规定不是我定的。你知道，我只是在这里工作。

男人：

（感觉好一些）是的，我知道。对不起，现在能给我PM624表格了吗？

女人：

稍等，现在几点了？

男人：

（看了看表）五点过一分。怎么了？

女人：

哦，天哪！这间办公室五点关门，你能明天再来吗？

男人：

啊——！（他哭着跑了出去。）