Carol: Any time this year, Ben.
Ben: The lock is messed up.
Mike: You’re messed up!
Carol: It’s been a lovely birthday, Mike. Don’t ruin it.
Mike: Mom, I’m not thinking of me. I’m thinking of poor old Dad who has to hold all your
presents.
Jason: How thoughtful.
Ben: There.
Maggie: Oh, this has been a lot of fun. Well, I just want to thank all of you for such a…
Jason: Maggie? Can I just put these down first? Thank you.
Maggie: Oh. Sure, sorry. I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful gifts.
Carol: Except Mike, of course.
Mike: What?
Carol: Next time you buy perfume, don’t buy it at a bowling alley.
Maggie: Excuse me, why is the light on in the living room?
Jason: I don’t know, maybe it burned out.
Maggie: Uh-huh. And you had nothing to do with it?
Jason: What?
Maggie: Carol?
Carol: What?
Maggie: Mike?
Mike: Hey, I didn’t do it.
Carol: You guys are throwing me a surprise party! Oh!
Jason: Uh, no.
Maggie: Don’t ever play poker Jason; you’re a terrible bluffer.
Mike: Uh, no, Mom. There’s no party. See, we discussed it and we decided it would be
cheaper… easier if we just took you out to dinner.
Maggie: Right.
Jason: Maggie, all these years you’ve always said how you hate surprise parties.
Maggie: Yes, but underneath you knew what I really was saying and you ignored what I was
saying and that’s why I love you.
Jason: What are you saying?
Maggie: I’m ready for my party. Boy, is it dark in here, honey. You better turn on a light before
I trip over something or somebody. Oh my god.
Ben: You know what? Someone’s been here.
[Next scene]
Carol: We’ve been robbed!
Mike: Yea.
Jason: Everybody just take it easy. First thing we’ll call the police.
Maggie: Jason, look at my knick-knacks.
Jason: Well, those thieves didn’t miss a thing. They even got the phone.
Ben: Why would someone rob us? We’re the Seavers.
Jason: Come on. We’ll use the one in the kitchen.
Mike: Oh, good at least they didn’t take that phone. Dad! Dad! Don’t touch it. There could be
fingerprints anywhere.
Carol: I’d like to put my fingerprints somewhere.
Jason: Alright everybody. I just want you all to calm down, ok?
Carol: Calm down, Dad. We’ve been invaded here!
Ben: Yea, they could’ve taken my stuff!
Mike: Or mine!
Carol: Uh, excuse me!
Maggie: Would you look at this? The thieves actually had a cup of coffee.
Jason: Hello, yes, I want to report a burglary. Yea, my name is…
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: I know that.
Maggie: It’s still hot.
[Next scene]
Maggie: That’s a noise!
Carol: I don’t know, it sounded like someone walking through the bushes with a big knife and
a gun, and they…
Jason: It’s your imagination, Carol.
Maggie: Jason, it has been over an hour. Where are the police?
Mike: This just figures. There’s only cops around when you don’t need them.
Ben: Like when?
Mike: You know, like when you’re speeding a little bit or sneaking into a drive-in or borrowing
a street sign. These are just random examples, Dad.
Carol: Where are those clowns anyway?
Ben: The police are clowns!
Clown: Evenin’ Seavers!
Jason: Yes, who are you?
Clown: [Singing] I’m a happy birthday clown! Happy birthday! Happy! Happy! Happy!
Jason: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Clown: Well, that was pretty rude.
Jason: Well, you were supposed to be here at nine o’clock. And you were supposed to be
Humphrey Bogart.
Clown: Oh, wow. You’re kidding. I feel terrible. What a mixup. You must think I’m a total bozo.
Maggie: Thank you anyway.
Clown: As long as I’m here, want me to make you a balloon rhino?
Carol: Less than anything in the world.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, robbed on my birthday. Jason, it just doesn’t seem fair.
Jason: Yea, I wanted you to remember this birthday forever.
Mike: I think she will, Dad.
Ben: What are you people doing to me?
Officer Wright: Excuse me, are you the Seavers?
Jason: Yes, yes.
Officer Wright: Officer Wright, Long Island PD. You reported a burglary?
Mike: Uh, wait a minute. You got some ID?
Officer Wright: You think these are my jammy’s son?
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Come on, Dad. He could’ve rented that from a costume shop.
Jason: The man is a policeman, Mike, ok?
Officer Wright: Thank you.
Jason: Do you have some ID? No, it’s ok, no, we trust you.
Officer Wright: So how about we go inside so I can take down your report.
Jason: Well, we’re not even sure the burglars have left yet.
Officer Wright: Mr. Seaver, it’s been an hour. You really think he’s hanging around in there
taking a bubble bath?
Jason: Good thinking. Ok everybody, come on, let’s go.
Maggie: Jason, I am still scared.
Officer Wright: Maggie, look at the size of this guy. I feel safe.
Maggie: Ok.
Ben: You know, my grandpa’s a cop, so I know all about it.
Officer Wright: I’ll watch my step.
Ben: He’s not black, though.
Officer Wright: Nobody’s perfect.
[Next scene]
Officer Wright: Excuse me.
Mike: Oh, right.
Officer Wright: What a shame. He reached right through here and popped the front door.
Mike: Hey, come on! You’re touching the glass! How are you supposed to take fingerprints?
Officer Wright: We don’t have the manpower to take prints on a minor crime.
Maggie: Minor? Minor?! Look what they did to my house!
Officer Wright: Well, no one was hurt.
Maggie: And that’s our fault?
Mike: Look if you don’t take fingerprints, how are you supposed put out an APB?
Officer Wright: We don’t.
Mike: Well, not exactly Miami Vice now are we?
Officer Wright: You’re not exactly the Cosby Show, either.
Carol: Uh, excuse me, but would it ruin any evidence if I go to the bathroom? ‘Cause if not,
we’re gonna have a major problem.
Officer Wright: No, that should be ok.
Carol: Thanks.
Jason: Well, officer, if you don’t take prints, what do you do?
Officer Wright: Well, first I look for any hard evidence; you know, burglar tools, footprints…
Ben: Point of entry.
Officer Wright: Right. Then we fill out a report listing all your stolen items. You’ll need that for
your insurance company. Then I go to my next burglary call. Is that how your grandpa would
handle it?
Ben: No. He’d single-handedly capture the bad guys, take their guns, and be invited to the
mayor’s house for lunch and a hoist few.
Officer Wright: Wow.
Maggie: Well, say what you want. I don’t understand how this is a minor crime. Our home has
been violated. Personal things have been taken. And it’s my birthday!
Officer Wright: Hey! Happy birthday!
Officer Wright: Should we wait before we file the insurance claim? Give you guys a chance to
find our stuff? Is that a no?
[Next scene]
Maggie: Jason, look at this!
Jason: Just a second, honey.
Maggie: This is important.
Jason: What?
Maggie: My secret recipe chicken soup. It’s gone, too.
Jason: Well, yea, maybe just one of the kids…
Maggie: No, no, no. I asked them. Can you believe this?
Jason: Honey, we’re missing a lot of things. What’s so important about your chicken soup?
Maggie: I didn’t make it for them! I made it for us!
Officer Wright: Well, that just about covers it.
Maggie: Add chicken soup to that list.
Officer Wright and Ben: What?
Maggie: Or is that too minor?
Ben: I’d do it.
Officer Wright: Chicken soup.
Maggie: With noodles.
Officer Wright: Got it. If there are any additional missing items, there’s my card.
Ben: Wanna get a seek run a cup of coffee?
Officer Wright: Mm, not tonight. Too busy.
Ben: Oh, come on. You don’t have to go yet! Stay! Eat! Mom, make him a cake!
Officer Wright: Can’t stay little buddy.
Ben: But who’s going to protect us when the bad guys get back?
Officer Wright: Hey, hey, hey. Don’t worry. They won’t come back tonight.
Ben: Tonight?
[Next scene]
Maggie: And the silver candlesticks are gone, too. That’s about it.
Jason: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Well, that sweater your mother knitted for me. With the sleeve that’s five feet long.
Maggie: It’s right in your hand.
Jason: Well, you know that and I know that, but your mother doesn’t know it!
Maggie: My mother worked very hard on that sweater.
Jason: That’s why it’s going to be such a tragic loss! Maggie? Honey, what is it? Hey.
Maggie: Oh, Jason. They came into my house, they touched our things, they went through
everything. They know what size my underwear is!
Jason: Well, we’re ok. Nobody was hurt.
Maggie: But what if they come back when we’re here?
Jason: Why would they come back?
Maggie: Why did they come in the first place?
Ben: Hi.
Maggie: Hi, honey.
Ben: Can I come sleep with you guys?
Jason: Sure.
Ben: Hey, nobody’s getting my stuff!
Carol: Uh, hi.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart.
Carol: Uh, listen, you know, I was wondering…
Jason: Come on in!
Carol: Thanks!
Mike: Hey.
Ben: You scared, too?
Mike: Me? Scared? Come on, man. I just, uh, I thought you guys could use a little protection
up here.
Ben: I don’t buy that for a second.
Mike: Mommy!
Jason: Anybody else awake?
Everybody: Yes.
Jason: Well, this is silly. You know what I think? I think everybody should get up and we
should go explore our feelings about what’s happened.
Carol: I don’t believe this.
Jason: No, I mean it. Come on. Everybody up! Let’s go! Conversation is just what the doctor
ordered. I know. I’m the doctor.
Mike: I don’t have anything to talk about.
Maggie: Oh, your dad’s right. We could use some help falling asleep and listening to your
father will put us right out.
Jason: Thank you.
Maggie: I didn’t mean that. I don’t know what I meant, but I didn’t mean that. Ok, I meant it.
Jason: Come on, let’s go.
Mike: Hey, Dad. You want me to wake Ben up?
Carol: So he can find out why he’s having trouble sleeping? Oh, good Mike, good.
Jason: Well since something like this has never happened to us before it’s important we dig
into our anxiety. exam our feeling, we’ve got to go inward and downward.
Maggie: I know, I’ll make coffee.
Jason: That will help up sleep?
Maggie: Ok, decaf. I’m in no mood to argue, Jason.
Jason: Ok, kids. Come on. Let’s talk about what’s bothering us.
Carol: I see no reason whatsoever to discuss this a moment longer.
Jason: That’s a good start. Mike? Mike.
Mike: Oh, right, right. Yea, yea, that’s a real good start, Carol. Let’s, let’s get in touch a little
bit with why you’re so weird, alright?
Jason: This is not…
Carol: I bet one of your scum ball friends had something to do with this burglary.
Mike: Hey! Don’t talk about my friends like that, alright? Eddie and Boner are too stupid to
think of something like this.
Carol: You stinking…
Mike: Stinking what?
Jason: Hey!
Carol and Mike: What?!
Jason: See, this is good. See the anger you two are feeling right now is a carry over from the
burglary and it’s good to…
Carol: Dad…
Jason: Let me finish! Maggie?
[Next scene]
Jason: Honey, what is it?
Maggie: What is what?
Jason: You came in here to make coffee.
Maggie: You want me to make coffee? Jason, we’re having a hard enough time getting to sleep
as it is.
Jason: Great, then let’s just go in and sit down and talk about what’s disturbing us.
Maggie: Oh, nothing’s disturbing me. Just because I want to sterilize everything that scum
touched.
Jason: I know, I know.
Maggie: I mean, he had a cup of coffee, you want to drink out of the same coffee pot he did?
Jason: Honey, I don’t even want coffee.
Maggie: Well, then, what did you ask me to make it for? Ben!
[Next scene]
Maggie: Ben, why are you screaming?
Ben: When I woke up you guys were gone. I thought somebody stole you.
Mike: Oh, grow up, Ben.
Jason: Will you go easy on him, Mike? Ben, we’re going to be downstairs. If you want to join
us, we’re going to be talking through our feelings.
Ben: I don’t have any feelings. I’m fine.
Jason: You’re fine?
Ben: I will be as soon as I change my shorts.
[Next scene]
Jason: Ok, Mike, we’ll come back to you. Ben, what about you?
Maggie: He’s sleeping. Jason, this has been very helpful and I feel much better. Now, if you’ll
excuse me, I have some cleaning to do.
Mike: Dad, do you think the thieves are sitting around the thieves place exploring their
emotions?
Jason: Maggie, can you just sit down, please?
Maggie: Well, I can clean while we talk, can’t I?
Jason: Alright, sure. Maggie could you turn that off?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Could you turn it off?
Maggie: I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the vacuum cleaner.
Jason: You’re ok, Ben. It’s all right. You’re safe. You’re safe.
Ben: Oh, good.
Mike: I wish I could buy that.
Ben: Are you saying we’re not safe?
Mike: Let’s put it this way, Ben. If some big dude breaks into the house, you think Dad is
going to wrestle him to the ground?
Ben: Or Mom.
Jason: Alright, who else thinks there’s a possibility someone else will break in? Come on. Be
honest. Maggie!
Maggie: Well, you wanted honesty. See what happens when you ask for that? I was quite
happy to stand here with my vacuum cleaner in line.
Jason: No, I’m glad you didn’t. This is good. Well, I mean it’s good that we’re finally able to
admit that the reason we can’t sleep is that we’re afraid. All of us.
Ben: You’re afraid, too?
Jason: Yes, Ben.
Ben: You’re a dad and everything!
Mike: Dad, if you keep going on like this, this kid is going to explode.
Jason: Look, I don’t mean to frighten anyone, but if we don’t deal with this honestly, Ben’s
going to be dragging that box to college.
Ben: It’s not heavy.
Carol: Well, what should we do?
Jason: Well, that’s the question. Something terrible has just happened to us. What do we do?
Mike: Dad, is this one of those questions that you always ask us that you already know the
answer to?
Jason: Well, I have some thoughts; I’d like to hear yours.
Maggie: I say we get a burglar alarm, the biggest and loudest.
Mike: Do you honestly think Sylvester Stallone has a burglar alarm?
Maggie: No, his wife got that in the settlement.
Mike: Look, my point is the only way to protect yourself is with guns. Lots of them!
Ben: Yea!
Maggie: No!
Carol: That’s so stupid.
Mike: You got a better idea.
Carol: As a matter of fact, I do.
Jason: Alright, let’s hear it.
Carol: Ok. Well, ever since this has happened, I’ve been asking myself, why did the thieves
come here?
Ben: Why?
Mike: To steal junk.
Carol: Exactly!
Mike: And they call her the genius?
Carol: You can’t steal someone’s possessions if they don’t have any, right? So the answer is
we get rid of all our possessions.
Mike: Everybody who thinks that’s the stupidest idea they’ve ever heard, raise their hands.
Alright, what’s it going to be rifles or handguns?
Maggie: Neither, I will not have my children armed. It’s as rule I have. I’m sorry I didn’t
mention it before.
Jason: Well, I’d like to explore Carol’s idea.
Mike: This should be a short trip.
Jason: Now, wait a minute, Carol. Are you saying we should get rid of our furniture?
Carol: Yes!
Jason: Our appliances?
Carol: Sure!
Jason: Your hairdryer?
Carol: Well, seen in the proper perspective, a hairdryer really is nothing more than
concentrated wind which is free and that’s not a possession. See? It all works out!
Ben: I wish I had a gun now.
Maggie: Jason, it would be helpful to limit this conversation to reasonable, rational solutions.
Jason: Like what?
Maggie: Like putting our house up for sale and moving to a small island off the coast of Maine.
Jason: Or why not a small island off the coast of France?
Maggie: We don’t speak French!
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: Look, I know we can’t move, but I sure feel like going somewhere that’s secure. All I
want is for my kids to feel as safe as I did when I was a little girl.
Jason: Maggie, your father was a policeman. Nobody would rob a cop!
Mike: Right, because everyone knows that cops have guns!
Jason: Guns are not the answer, Mike! Besides, if we had a gun, that could have gotten stolen,
too. And there’s a distinct possibility that somebody could get accidentally shot while sneaking
in here late.
Mike: That’s a point.
Carol: So, we all agree. We give everything away.
Jason: Right!
Mike: What?
Maggie: Now, your father doesn’t mean that, he’s trying to make a point. You are trying to
make a point, aren’t you?
Jason: Well, I think Carol has a good idea. Why not get rid of all of our possessions? Yea, get
rid of everything, that way nobody will rob us.
Carol: Right!
Jason: We’ll be safe.
Carol: Exactly.
Jason: We can sit here, happy and secure, on a bare floor, naked.
Ben: Not me!
Jason: Well, we’ll save some rags for clothes.
Carol: No brand names.
Jason: Fine! Fine, but then what happens one day somebody comes to the door, I forgot, we
gave away the door, somebody comes to where the door used to be and they say well, I
noticed you’re all happy and secure in here, so why don’t I just take that away, too?
Ben: Is this person a teacher?
Jason: It doesn’t matter.
Carol: Dad, the question doesn’t make sense.
Jason: Why not?
Carol: If we’re feeling safe and secure, no one can steal that.
Jason: And isn’t that exactly what they…
Carol: We’re letting the thieves do to us.
Mike: Yea…
Jason: That’s right.
Ben: So what the heck are we supposed to do?
Jason: We don’t let them take it, Ben. We carry on. We do exactly what we would do every
Saturday morning.
Ben: Listen to you yell at Mike for sneaking in late.
Jason: After that.
Maggie: We go out to breakfast.
Jason: Right! Come on, what do you say?
Ben: But who’s going to watch my stuff?
Jason: Nobody, Ben. That’s it, you see. Either you own your stuff or your stuff owns you. Mike!
Mike: I could eat.
Jason: Carol?
Carol: I feel like pigs in a blanket. Shut up, Mike.
Jason: Maggie?
Maggie: I knew you were making a point. I was sure of it all along. I never doubted you for a
second.
Jason: Ok, come on. You’ve all got five minutes to change.
Maggie: Who needs Sylvester Stallone when we’ve got Jason Roland Seaver?
Mike: Roland?
Jason: Come on. Get upstairs.
Mike: Alright.
Jason: Go ahead, Ben.
Ben: Would it be alright if I just took my Garbage Pail Kids?
Jason: Yea, come on, our secret.