双语读剧:Call me by ...(一)56:那个讨厌鬼可是有副菩萨心肠呢
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    Then there are the exceptions: the stormy afternoon when we sat in the living room, listening to the music and to the hail pelting every window in the house. The lights would go out, the music would die, and all we had was each other’s faces. An aunt twittering away about her dreadful years in St. Louis, Missouri, which she pronounced San Lui, Mother trailing the scent of Earl Grey tea, and in the background, all the way from the kitchen downstairs, the voices of Manfredi and Mafalda—spare whispers of a couple bickering in loud hisses. In the rain, the lean, cloaked, hooded figure of the gardener doing battle with the elements, always pulling up weeds even in the rain, my father signaling with his arms from the living room window, Go back, Anchise, go back.
    “That man gives me the creeps,” my aunt would say.
    “That creep has a heart of gold,” my father would say.
     
    还有些特殊的:暴风雨的下午,我们坐在客厅里,听音乐和冰雹重重拍打每扇窗户的声音。灯光熄灭,音乐停止,我们拥有的只是彼此的脸。某个阿姨把“圣路易”念成“三卢伊”,喊喊喳喳讲述她在密苏里州圣路易度过的可怕岁月。母亲闻着伯爵茶气味去找传来这气味的源头,背景是曼弗雷迪和玛法尔达从楼下厨房一路传来的额外声响——夫妻俩压低声音拌嘴的嘈杂嘶嘶声。雨中,园丁披着斗篷戴着兜帽的消瘦身影正与大自然搏斗,即使下雨也总要去拔杂草。父亲从客厅的窗口掸挥手臂示意着:回去,安喀斯,回去。
    “那人真是让我起鸡皮疙瘩。”阿姨会这么说。
    “那个讨厌鬼可是有副菩萨心肠呢。”父亲回答说。
     
    But all of these hours were strained by fear, as if fear were a brooding specter, or a strange, lost bird trapped in our little town, whose sooty wing flecked every living thing with a shadow that would never wash. I didn’t know what I was afraid of, nor why I worried so much, nor why this thing that could so easily cause panic felt like hope sometimes and, like hope in the darkest moments, brought such joy, unreal joy, joy with a noose tied around it. The thud my heart gave when I saw him unannounced both terrified and thrilled me. I was afraid when he showed up, afraid when he failed to, afraid when he looked at me, more frightened yet when he didn’t. The agony wore me out in the end, and, on scalding afternoons, I’d simply give out and fall asleep on the living room sofa and, though still dreaming, know exactly who was in the room, who had tiptoed in and out, who was standing there, who was looking at me and for how long, who was trying to pick out today’s paper while making the least rustling sound, only to give up and look for tonight’s film listings whether they woke me or not.
     
    但这些美好时光都因为恐惧而变得紧张,仿佛恐惧是盘旋逼近的幽灵,或受困于这座小城的珍禽,它乌黑的羽翼给所有生物覆上永远洗不掉的阴影斑点。我不知道我害怕什么,也不知道我为什么这么担心,更不知道这般轻易造成恐慌的事,为何有时感觉像最黑暗的希望,带来不真实的喜悦,似一个陷阱般的喜悦。与他不期而遇,我的心怦然一跳,让我恐惧又兴奋。我怕他出现、怕他不出现,怕他看我、更怕他不看我。这痛苦的挣扎终于让我耗尽心力了。灼热的午后,我简直精疲力竭,在客厅的沙发上睡着了。虽然做着梦,却清楚知道谁在房里,谁蹑手蹑脚进来又出去,谁站在那里,谁盯着我看了多久,谁尽可能在不发出沙沙声以免吵醒我的状况下找出今天的报纸,后来却放下,改找今晚的电影放映表。
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