And then everything seemed to move very slowly and very fast, both at the same time. He hadn’t moved, he had been too petrified, but then there was the splintering of wood, and the room was filled with men holding flashlights high by their heads, so that he couldn’t see their faces. One of them came over to him and said something to him—he couldn’t hear for the noise, for his panic—and pulled up his underwear and helped him to his feet. “You’re safe now,” someone told him.

然后一切似乎变得很慢，同时又变得很快。他没动，整个人吓呆了，但接着是木头碎裂声，房间里充满了男人，他们把手电筒高高举在头旁边，他看不见他们的脸。其中一个走向他说了一些话（声音太吵，他恐慌极了，根本听不到），然后帮他拉起内裤，帮着他站起来。“你现在安全了。”有个人告诉他。

　 He heard one of the men swear, and shout from the bathroom, “Get an ambulance right now,” and he wrestled free from the man who was holding him and ducked under another man’s arm and made three fast leaps to the bathroom, where he had seen Brother Luke with an extension cord around his neck, hanging from the hook in the center of the bathroom ceiling, his mouth open, his eyes shut, his face as gray as his beard. He had screamed, then, screamed and screamed, and then he was being dragged from the room, screaming Brother Luke’s name again and again.

他听到其中一个男人咒骂，从浴室里大喊：“马上叫救护车。”于是他挣脱了抓着他的那个男人，从另一个人手臂底下钻过去，迅速冲了三步来到浴室门口，看到一根长长的绳子绕着卢克修士的脖子，他嘴巴张开，眼睛紧闭，那张脸和他的胡子一样灰。他尖叫起来，一次又一次地尖叫，接着他被拖出房间，仍叫着卢克修士的名字，一遍又一遍。

　 He remembers little of what followed. He was questioned again and again; he was taken to a doctor at a hospital who examined him and asked him how many times he had been raped, but he hadn’t been able to answer him: Had he been raped? He had agreed to this, to all of this; it had been his decision, and he had made it. “How many times have you had sex?” the doctor asked instead, and he said, “With Brother Luke, or with the others?” and the doctor had said, “What others?” And after he had finished telling him, the doctor had turned away from him and put his face in his hands and then looked back at him and had opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. And then he knew for certain that what he had been doing was wrong, and he felt so ashamed, so dirty that he had wanted to die.

接下来的事情他不太记得了。他被一再询问；他被带到医院，有个医生给他检查，问他被强暴了多少次，但他没办法回答，他被强暴过吗？是他同意做这个的，全都同意过。那是他的决定，是他做的决定。“你性交过多少次？”那个医生改问。于是他说：“跟卢克修士，还是跟其他人？”那医生说：“什么其他人？”等他讲完，那个医生转过身，把脸埋在双手里，等到医生转身回来看他，张开嘴巴要说话，却一个字都没吐出来。他很确定地知道他一直在做的那些事情是不对的，觉得很羞愧、很肮脏，简直想死。

　 They took him to the home. They brought him his things: his books, the Navajo doll, the stones and twigs and acorns and the Bible with its pressed flowers he had carried with him from the monastery, his clothes that the other boys made fun of. At the home, they knew what he was, they knew what he had done, they knew he was ruined already, and so he wasn’t surprised when some of the counselors began doing to him what people had been doing to him for years. Somehow, the other boys also knew what he was. They called him names, the same names the clients had called him; they left him alone. When he approached a group of them, they would get up and run away.

他们送他去少年之家，把他的东西还给他：他的书，从修道院带出来的纳瓦霍玩偶、石头、树枝、橡实、那本夹着压花的《圣经》，还有害他被其他男生取笑的衣服。在少年之家，他们知道他以前是什么样，知道他以前做过什么，知道他已经被毁掉了，所以当某些辅导员开始对他做人们多年来对他做的事情时，他并不吃惊。不知怎的，其他男孩也知道他以前是什么样。他们用难听的话骂他，就跟顾客骂他的一样；他们还孤立他，每回他走向一群人，他们就会散开来跑掉。

　 They hadn’t brought him his bag with razors, and so he had learned to improvise: he stole an aluminum can lid from the trash and sterilized it over the gas flame one afternoon when he was on kitchen duty and used that, stuffing it under his mattress. He stole a new lid every week.

他们没把装了刮胡刀片的袋子还给他，于是他学会就地取材：有天下午他在厨房帮忙时，从垃圾桶里偷来一个空罐头的铝盖，在瓦斯火焰上消毒，用完就塞在床垫下。他每星期都偷一个新的铝盖。

　 He thought of Brother Luke every day. At the school, he skipped four grades; they allowed him to attend classes in math, in piano, in English literature, in French and German at the community college. His teachers asked him who had taught him what he knew, and he said his father had. “He did a good job,” his English teacher told him. “He must have been an excellent teacher,” and he had been unable to respond, and she had eventually moved on to the next student. At night, when he was with the counselors, he pretended that Brother Luke was standing right behind the wall, waiting to spring out in case things got too awful, which meant that everything that was happening to him were things Brother Luke knew he could bear.

他每天都想到卢克修士。在学校里，他跳了四级；他们让他上数学课、钢琴课、英国文学课，还去社区大学上法语和德语课。他的老师问他是谁教他这些的，他说是他父亲。“他教得真好，”他的英语老师告诉他，“他一定是个很棒的老师。”他不知道该怎么回应，她只好接着转向下一个学生。到了夜里，当他和辅导员在一起时，他会假装卢克修士就站在墙后头，万一事情变得太可怕就会跳出来；这表示发生在他身上的所有事情，卢克修士知道他都能承受。

　 After he had come to trust Ana, he told her a few things about Brother Luke. But he was unwilling to tell her everything. He told no one. He had been a fool to follow Luke, he knew that. Luke had lied to him, he had done terrible things to him. But he wanted to believe that, through everything, in spite of everything, Luke really had loved him, that that part had been real: not a perversion, not a rationalization, but real. He didn’t think he could take Ana saying, as she said of the others, “He was a monster, Jude. They say they love you, but they say that so they can manipulate you, don’t you see? This is what pedophiles do; this is how they prey on children.” As an adult, he was still unable to decide what he thought about Luke. Yes, he was bad. But was he worse than the other brothers? Had he really made the wrong decision? Would it really have been better if he had stayed at the monastery? Would he have been more or less damaged by his time there? Luke’s legacies were in everything he did, in everything he was: his love of reading, of music, of math, of gardening, of languages—those were Luke. His cutting, his hatred, his shame, his fears, his diseases, his inability to have a normal sex life, to be a normal person—those were Luke, too. Luke had taught him how to find pleasure in life, and he had removed pleasure absolutely.

后来他逐渐信赖安娜，曾告诉她几件卢克修士的事情。但他不愿意告诉她一切。谁都没说。他跟着卢克太傻了，他知道。卢克跟他撒谎，对他做了很可怕的事情。但他想要相信，即使经历这一切，卢克还是真的爱他的，这一部分是真的：不是歪曲，不是合理化，而是真的。他不认为自己受得了安娜所说的（就像她说其他人那样）：“裘德，他是恶魔。他们说他们爱你，但那样说只是为了要操纵你，你还不明白吗？恋童癖都是这样；他们就是这样拐骗小孩。”成年后，他还是无法判定自己对卢克的想法。没错，他很坏。但他比其他修士坏吗？他当初真的做错决定了吗？如果他留在修道院，真的会比较好吗？他继续待在修道院里，会被毁得更严重还是轻微一点？卢克影响了他所做的一切、影响了他整个人：他对阅读、对音乐、对数学、对园艺、对语文的喜好，都是卢克遗留给他的。他割自己、他的怨恨、他的羞愧、他的恐惧，还有他的疾病，他没有办法有正常性生活，没能力当个正常人，这些也是卢克给他的。卢克教他如何从生活中找到愉悦，也把愉悦全部夺走。

　 He was careful never to say his name aloud, but sometimes he thought it, and no matter how old he got, no matter how many years had passed, there would appear Luke’s face, smiling, conjured in an instant. He thought of Luke when the two of them were falling in love, when he was being seduced and had been too much of a child, too naïve, too lonely and desperate for affection to know it. He was running to the greenhouse, he was opening the door, the heat and smell of flowers were surrounding him like a cape. It was the last time he had been so simply happy, the last time he had known such uncomplicated joy. “And here’s my beautiful boy!” Luke would cry. “Oh, Jude—I’m so happy to see you.”

他很小心不要说出卢克的名字，但有时他会想到这个名字，无论他变得多老、过去了多少年，只要一想到，刹那间眼前就浮现出卢克微笑的脸。他想到他和卢克“相爱”时，想到他被诱骗时，他年纪太小、太天真、太孤单、太想获得关爱，什么都不懂。那时他奔向温室，打开门，那热气和花香像斗篷般围绕他。那是他最后一次拥有这么单纯的快乐，最后一次领略到这么不复杂的欢欣。“我漂亮的男孩来了！”卢克会喊道，“喔，裘德——真高兴看到你。”

　 [ V ]

第五部分

　 The Happy Years

快乐年代

　 1

1

　 THERE HAD BEEN a day, about a month after he turned thirty-eight, when Willem realized he was famous. Initially, this had fazed him less than he would have imagined, in part because he had always considered himself sort of famous—he and JB, that is. He’d be out downtown with someone, Jude or someone else, and somebody would come over to say hello to Jude, and Jude would introduce him: “Aaron, do you know Willem?” And Aaron would say, “Of course. Willem Ragnarsson. Everyone knows Willem,” but it wouldn’t be because of his work—it would be because Aaron’s former roommate’s sister had dated him at Yale, or he had two years ago done a reading for Aaron’s friend’s brother’s friend who was a playwright, or because Aaron, who was an artist, had once been in a group show with JB and Asian Henry Young, and he’d met Willem at the after-party. New York City, for much of his adulthood, had simply been an extension of college, where everyone had known him and JB, and the entire infrastructure of which sometimes seemed to have been lifted out of Boston and plunked down within a few blocks’ radius in lower Manhattan and outer Brooklyn. The four of them talked to the same—well, if not the same people, the same types of people at least, that they had in college, and in that realm of artists and actors and musicians, of course he was known, because he always had been. It wasn’t such a vast world; everyone knew everyone else.

有一天，就在满38岁后大约一个月，威廉忽然发现自己成名了。一开始，他没有原先想象中的那么慌乱，一部分原因是他一直觉得自己已经算名人了（他和杰比都算是）。有时他跟谁一起出门，裘德或其他人，在曼哈顿下城热闹的市中心，有人走过来跟裘德打招呼，然后裘德介绍他：“艾伦，你认识威廉吗？”艾伦说：“当然了。威廉·拉格纳松。大家都认识威廉。”但不是因为他的工作，而是因为艾伦以前室友的妹妹在耶鲁时跟他交往过，或者他两年前帮艾伦朋友哥哥的剧作家朋友演出过剧本朗读会，或者因为艾伦是艺术家，曾跟杰比和亚裔亨利·杨一起办过联展，在开幕会后的派对上认识了威廉。在他成年以后的大部分时间，纽约市只不过是大学时代的延伸，每个人都认识他和杰比，而且有时候，好像他们大学的整个基础设施都被从波士顿搬起来，“砰”的一声放在曼哈顿下城和布鲁克林周边的那几个街区内似的。他们四个人平常来往的，还是跟大学时代同样的人（好吧，如果不是同样的人，至少是同类型的人），而在那个艺术家、演员和音乐家的圈子里，大家当然都认识他，因为本来就是这样。那个世界并不大；大家都认识彼此。

　 Of the four of them, only Jude, and to some degree Malcolm, had experience living in another world, the real world, the one populated with people who did the necessary stuff of life: making laws, and teaching, and healing people, and solving problems, and handling money, and selling and buying things (the bigger surprise, he always thought, was not that he knew Aaron but that Jude did). Just before he turned thirty-seven, he had taken a role in a quiet film titled The Sycamore Court in which he played a small-town Southern lawyer who was finally coming out of the closet. He’d taken the part to work with the actor playing his father, who was someone he admired and who in the film was taciturn and casually vituperative, a man disapproving of his own son and made unkind by his own disappointments. As part of his research, he had Jude explain to him what, exactly, he did all day, and as he listened, he found himself feeling slightly sad that Jude, whom he considered brilliant, brilliant in ways he would never understand, was spending his life doing work that sounded so crushingly dull, the intellectual equivalent of housework: cleaning and sorting and washing and tidying, only to move on to the next house and have to begin all over. He didn’t say this, of course, and on one Saturday he met Jude at Rosen Pritchard and looked through his folders and papers and wandered around the office as Jude wrote.

在他们四个里头，只有裘德，还有马尔科姆（在某种程度上），体验过在另一个世界、真实的世界生活，里头的人从事生活必需的各种工作：制定法律、教书、治病、解决问题，还有管理金钱跟买卖东西（他总觉得，他认识艾伦并不让人惊讶，裘德认识艾伦才比较让人惊讶）。就在他满37岁前夕，他接了一部内敛的电影《梧桐法院》，饰演一名最后出柜的南方小城律师。演他父亲的那位演员他很欣赏，片中的父亲不苟言笑，常会出言斥责，他对自己的儿子不满，且因为自己的挫折而变得刻薄。为了准备自己的演出，他请裘德解释自己每天到底在做什么，他听的时候，不自觉地有点为裘德难过起来，因为他觉得裘德很聪明，而且是他永远无法理解的那种聪明，但裘德把人生花在这些听起来乏味至极、简直像智慧版女佣的工作上：打扫、分类、洗涤、收纳，做完了再到下一家重新开始。他当然没把这想法说出来。有个星期六，他去罗森·普理查德找裘德，浏览他的档案夹和文件，然后趁着裘德在写东西时，在他的办公室闲逛。

　 “Well, what do you think?” Jude asked, and leaned back in his chair and grinned at him, and he smiled back and said, “Pretty impressive,” because it was, in its own way, and Jude had laughed. “I know what you’re thinking, Willem,” he’d said. “It’s okay. Harold thinks it, too. ‘Such a waste,’ ” he said in Harold’s voice. “ ‘Such a waste, Jude.’ ”

“好吧，你觉得怎么样？”裘德问，在椅子上往后靠，朝他咧嘴笑。他也露出微笑说：“令人刮目相看。”因为在某个方面的确是，裘德大笑。“我知道你在想什么，威廉，”他说，“没关系，哈罗德也是这样想的。‘太浪费了，’”他模仿哈罗德的口气，“‘太浪费了，裘德。’”

　 “That’s not what I’m thinking,” he protested, although really, he had been: Jude was always bemoaning his own lack of imagination, his own unswervable sense of practicality, but Willem had never seen him that way. And it did seem a waste: not that he was at a corporate firm but that he was in law at all, when really, he thought, a mind like Jude’s should be doing something else. What, he didn’t know, but it wasn’t this. He knew it was ridiculous, but he had never truly believed that Jude’s attending law school would actually result in his becoming a lawyer: he had always imagined that at some point he’d give it up and do something else, like be a math professor, or a voice teacher, or (although he had recognized the irony, even then) a psychologist, because he was such a good listener and always so comforting to his friends. He didn’t know why he clung to this idea of Jude, even after it was clear that he loved what he did and excelled at it.

“我不是那样想的。”他抗议，但其实他就是这样想的。裘德总是为自己缺乏想象力惋惜，为自己改不掉的务实惋惜，但威廉从来没这么看他。而且的确是很浪费：不是他待在一家大型律师事务所，而是他居然会从事法律方面的工作。其实，他心想，像裘德这么聪明的人，实在应该做点别的工作。他不知道做什么，但不会是这个。他知道这样想很荒谬，但他原先一直不太相信裘德读了法学院之后，到头来会变成律师。他一直想象裘德读到某个时候就会放弃、改做别的，比如当数学教授，或是歌唱老师，或是精神科医生（虽然他当时就觉得很讽刺），因为他很善于倾听，而且总是很会安慰朋友。他不明白自己为什么总是有这个想法，即使显然后来裘德很热爱自己的工作，也做得很出色。

　 The Sycamore Court had been an unexpected hit and had won Willem the best reviews he’d ever had, and award nominations, and its release, paired with a larger, flashier film that he had shot two years earlier but had been delayed in postproduction, had created a certain moment that even he recognized would transform his career. He had always chosen his roles wisely—if he could be said to have superior talent in anything, he always thought it was that: his taste for parts—but until that year, there had never been a time in which he felt that he was truly secure, that he could talk about films he’d like to do when he was in his fifties or sixties. Jude had always told him that he had an overdeveloped sense of circumspection about his career, that he was far better along than he thought, but it had never felt that way; he knew he was respected by his peers and by critics, but a part of him always feared that it would end abruptly and without warning. He was a practical person in the least practical of careers, and after every job he booked, he would tell his friends he would never book another, that this was certain to be the last, partly as a way of staving off his fears—if he acknowledged the possibility, it was less likely to happen—and partly to give voice to them, because they were real.

结果《梧桐法院》意外地大受欢迎，为威廉赢得史无前例的好评和奖项提名。再加上电影上映时，他两年前拍摄的另一部较大、较炫的电影，因为后期制作拖延，竟碰巧同时上映，让他颇出风头，连他自己都看得出来这会改变他的演员生涯。他接戏向来很谨慎——如果硬要说他有什么过人的才华，他觉得就是他对角色的品位——但在那一年之前，他从来不曾拥有真正的安全感，不觉得自己到五六十岁还有机会演戏。裘德总跟他说他对自己的事业有种过分的谨慎，其实他比他自以为的要好太多了，但他从来不这么觉得；他知道自己很受同行和评论家尊重，但他心中有一部分始终担心自己的演员生涯会毫无预警地突然告终。他是个实际的人，却身在一个最不实际的行业，每次接到一个角色后，他就会告诉朋友他永远接不到下一个，说他很确定这是最后一次了，一部分是为了暂时推迟他的恐惧（如果他说出这个可能性，那事情就比较不会发生），一部分则是表达自己的恐惧，因为那种感觉是真的。

　 Only later, when he and Jude were alone, would he allow himself to truly worry aloud. “What if I never work again?” he would ask Jude.

不过后来，他只有在和裘德独处时，才敢把自己的忧虑说出来。“如果我再也接不到工作了呢？”他会问裘德。

　 “That won’t happen,” Jude would say.

“不会的。”裘德会说。

　 “But what if it does?”

“如果会呢？”

　 “Well,” said Jude, seriously, “in the extraordinarily unlikely event that you never act again, then you’ll do something else. And while you figure it out, you’ll move in with me.”

“这个嘛，”裘德认真地说，“这个情况极度不可能，但如果你再也不能演戏，那你可以去做别的。而且在你摸索的时候，你就搬来跟我住。”