In the first, raw weeks after Jude had gotten out of the hospital, Willem used to go into his room at odd hours to give himself confirmation that Jude was there, and alive. Back then, Jude slept constantly, and he would sometimes sit on the end of his bed, staring at him and feeling a sort of horrible wonder that he was still with them at all. He would think: If Richard had found him just twenty minutes later, Jude would have been dead. About a month after Jude had been released, Willem had been at the drugstore and had seen a box cutter hanging on the rack—such a medieval, cruel instrument, it seemed—and had almost burst into tears: Andy had told him that the emergency room surgeon had said Jude’s had been the deepest, most decisive self-inflicted incisions he had ever seen in his career. He had always known that Jude was troubled, but he was awestruck, almost, by how little he knew him, by the depths of his determination to harm himself.

裘德刚出院的那几个星期，威廉总是不定时地走进他的房间，好确定裘德在里头，还活着。当时裘德一直在睡觉，他有时会坐在床沿凝视着他，因为他还活着而感到一种恐怖的惊奇。他会想：要是理查德晚二十分钟发现他，裘德就死了。裘德出院后大约一个月，威廉去药妆店买东西，看到架子上挂着一把美工刀，感觉那似乎是非常老式、残忍的工具，他差点当场飙泪。安迪告诉过他，当初急诊室的外科医生说，他这辈子没见过有人像裘德这样在自己身上割出这么深、这么坚决的伤口。他一直知道裘德很烦恼，但此时他才惊讶地发现，原来自己对裘德了解这么少，原来裘德伤害自己的决心这么深。

　 He felt that he had in some ways learned more about Jude in the past year than he had in the past twenty-six, and each new thing he learned was awful: Jude’s stories were the kinds of stories that he was unequipped to answer, because so many of them were unanswerable. The story of the scar on the back of his hand—that had been the one that had begun it—had been so terrible that Willem had stayed up that night, unable to sleep, and had seriously contemplated calling Harold, just to be able to have someone else share the story with him, to be speechless alongside him.

他觉得就某些方面而言，他过去这一年对裘德的了解，超过以往二十六年的总和，而且他发现的每一件新事物都很可怕：裘德的故事是他没有能力回应的，因为其中有太多根本没法解答。他手背上那个疤的故事（最开始的故事）恐怖得让威廉整夜睡不着，还认真考虑要打电话给哈罗德，只为了讲给某个人听，让某个人陪着他一起哑口无言。

　 The next day he couldn’t stop himself from staring at Jude’s hand, and Jude had finally drawn his sleeve over it. “You’re making me self-conscious,” he said.

次日，他忍不住总瞪着裘德的那只手看。裘德最后拉下袖子遮住手背。“你让我很尴尬。”他说。

　 “I’m sorry,” he’d said.

“对不起。”他说。

　 Jude had sighed. “Willem, I’m not going to tell you these stories if you’re going to react like this,” he said, finally. “It’s okay, it really is. It was a long time ago. I never think about it.” He paused. “I don’t want you to look at me differently if I tell you these things.”

裘德叹气。“威廉，如果你的反应是这样，我就不打算把那些故事告诉你了，”裘德终于说，“没关系，真的。那是很久以前的事了。我后来都没再想了。”裘德又暂停一下，“如果我告诉你这些事，我不希望你看我的眼光有什么不一样。”

　 He’d taken a deep breath. “No,” he said. “You’re right. You’re right.” And so now when he listened to these stories of Jude’s, he was careful not to say anything, to make small, nonjudgmental noises, as if all his friends had been whipped with a belt soaked in vinegar until they had passed out or been made to eat their own vomit off the floor, as if those were normal rites of childhood. But despite these stories, he still knew nothing: He still didn’t know who Brother Luke was. He still didn’t know anything except isolated stories about the monastery, or the home. He still didn’t know how Jude had made it to Philadelphia or what had happened to him there. And he still didn’t know the story about the injury. But if Jude was beginning with the easier stories, he now knew enough to know that those stories, if he ever heard them, would be horrific. He almost didn’t want to know.

他当时深吸一口气。“不会，”他说，“你说得没错，一点也没错。”所以现在他听裘德说那些故事时，就很小心什么都不要说，不要发出任何细小的、非批判性的声响，好像他所有的朋友都曾被浸过醋的皮带抽打到晕死过去，或曾经被迫吃掉地板上自己的呕吐物，好像那些都是正常的童年仪式。但除了这些故事，他还是一无所知，他还是不知道卢克修士是谁。除了修道院或少年之家几个独立的故事之外，他还是什么都不知道。他还是不明白裘德是怎么去到费城，他在那里发生了什么事。他还是不知道他车祸受伤的故事。如果裘德是从比较不难受的故事开始讲，那么现在他听了那么多，知道他没说出来的故事必定更骇人。他几乎不想知道了。

　 The stories had been part of a compromise when Jude had made it clear that he wouldn’t go to Dr. Loehmann. Andy had been stopping by most Friday nights, and he came over one evening shortly after Jude had returned to Rosen Pritchard. As Andy examined Jude in his bedroom, Willem made everyone drinks, which they had on the sofa, the lights low and the sky outside grainy with snow.

这些故事也算是某种妥协，因为裘德表明他不会去娄曼医生那做心理咨询了。安迪大都是周五晚上过来，而裘德刚回罗森·普理查德上班后不久，安迪有天傍晚上门，在裘德的卧室帮他检查，威廉去调酒，然后大家坐在沙发上喝。当时灯光被调暗了，外头的天空飘着雪。

　 “Sam Loehmann says you haven’t called him,” Andy said. “Jude—this is bullshit. You’ve got to call him. This was part of the deal.”

“山姆·娄曼说你还没打电话给他，”安迪说，“裘德，这样太扯了。你得打电话给他。这是原先讲好的。”

　 “Andy, I’ve told you,” Jude said, “I’m not going.” Willem was pleased, then, to hear that Jude’s stubbornness had returned, even though he disagreed with him. Two months ago, when they had been in Morocco, he had looked up from his plate at dinner to see Jude staring at the dishes of mezze before him, unable to serve himself any of them. “Jude?” he’d asked, and Jude had looked at him, his face fearful. “I don’t know how to begin,” he’d said, quietly, and so Willem had reached over and spooned a little from each dish onto Jude’s plate, and told him to start with the scoop of stewed eggplant at the top and eat his way clockwise through the rest of it.

“安迪，我跟你说过了，”裘德说，“我不会去的。”威廉虽然不赞同，但很高兴听到裘德恢复了昔日的顽固。两个月前他们在摩洛哥，他晚餐吃到一半时抬头，看到裘德瞪着眼前一碟碟当地的传统小菜，没办法夹菜吃。“裘德？”他问，而裘德看着他，一脸害怕。“我不知道要从哪里开始。”他小声说，于是威廉伸手用汤匙在每一碟菜里都舀了一匙，放在裘德的盘子上，然后告诉他从最顶端的那勺炖茄子吃起，接着顺时针吃其他的菜。

　 “You have to do something,” Andy said. He could tell Andy was trying to remain calm, and failing, and that too he found heartening: a sign of a certain return to normalcy. “Willem thinks so too, right, Willem? You can’t just keep going on like this! You’ve had a major trauma in your life! You have to start discussing things with someone!”

“你一定得做点什么。”安迪说。他看得出安迪设法保持冷静，但是失败了，这也让他觉得被鼓舞了，因为这是某种恢复正常的表示。“威廉也这样想的，对吧，威廉？你不能继续这样下去！你的人生有个大创伤！你得开始找个人讨论才行！”

　 “Fine,” said Jude, looking tired. “I’ll tell Willem.”

“好啦，”裘德说，一脸疲倦，“我会告诉威廉。”

　 “Willem’s not a health-care professional!” said Andy. “He’s an actor!” And at that, Jude had looked at him and the two of them had started laughing, so hard that they had to put their drinks down, and Andy had finally stood and said that they were both so immature he didn’t know why he bothered and had left, Jude trying to call after him—“Andy! We’re sorry! Don’t leave!”—but laughing too hard to be intelligible. It was the first time in months—the first time since even before the attempt—that he had heard Jude laugh.

“威廉不是专业医疗人员！”安迪说，“他是演员！”听到这里，裘德看着他，两个人开始大笑，笑得他们得放下饮料。安迪最后站起来说他们两个都太幼稚了，他不懂自己干吗要操这个心，然后就离开了。裘德还在后头喊他：“安迪！对不起！不要走！”但他笑得太厉害，根本讲不清楚话。这是他几个月来头一次（甚至从裘德企图自杀之前算起）听到裘德的笑声。

　 Later, when they had recovered, Jude had said, “I thought I might, you know, Willem—start telling you things sometimes. But do you mind? Is it going to be a burden?” And he had said of course it wouldn’t be, that he wanted to know. He had always wanted to know, but he didn’t say this; he knew it would sound like criticism.

稍后，等他们恢复过来，裘德说：“威廉，我想我可能，呃，偶尔会告诉你一些事情。但是你介意吗？这样会是负担吗？”他说当然不介意，说他想知道。其实他一直想知道，只是没说出来。他知道这话听起来像是责备。

　 But as much as he was able to convince himself that Jude had returned to himself, he was also able to recognize that he had been changed. Some of these changes were, he thought, good ones: the talking, for example. And some of them were sad ones: although his hands were much stronger, and although it was less and less frequent, they still shook occasionally, and he knew Jude was embarrassed by it. And he was more skittish than ever about being touched, especially, Willem noticed, by Harold; a month ago, when Harold had visited, Jude had practically danced out of the way to keep Harold from hugging him. He had felt bad for Harold, seeing the expression on his face, and so had gone over and hugged him himself. “You know he can’t help it,” he told Harold quietly, and Harold had kissed him on the cheek. “You’re a sweet man, Willem,” he’d said.

他可以说服自己裘德已经恢复了原状，但他也看得出来他改变了。他觉得其中一些改变是好的：比如他愿意谈自己的过去了。有些改变则不太好：虽然裘德的手强壮多了，颤抖的频率也越来越低，但偶尔还是会颤抖，而且他知道裘德因此而感到难为情。另外，裘德比以前更怕被人碰触，威廉注意到，尤其是哈罗德；一个月前，哈罗德来访时，裘德几乎是手舞足蹈地躲开哈罗德的拥抱。他看到哈罗德脸上的表情，很替他难过，于是走过去拥抱他：“你知道他不是故意的。”他低声对哈罗德说。哈罗德吻了一下他的脸颊，“威廉，你真是体贴。”他说。

　 Now it was October, thirteen months after the attempt. During the evening he was at the theater; two months after his run ended in December, he’d start shooting his first project since he returned from Sri Lanka, an adaptation of Uncle Vanya that he was excited about and was being filmed in the Hudson Valley: he’d be able to come home every night.

现在是十月，离裘德企图自杀已经过了十三个月。晚上他在戏院演舞台剧，要演到十二月，然后他会拍从斯里兰卡回来后的第一部电影，改编自契诃夫的剧作《凡尼亚舅舅》。他很兴奋，而且这部电影将在哈德逊河谷拍摄，这样他每天晚上都可以回家。

　 Not that the location was a coincidence. “Keep me in New York,” he’d instructed his manager and his agent after he’d dropped out of the film in Russia the previous fall.

这个拍摄地点不是巧合。“我要留在纽约工作。”自从他前一年秋天退出那部要在俄罗斯拍摄的电影后，他就这样交代私人经理和经纪人。

　 “For how long?” asked Kit, his agent.

“要多久？”他的经纪人基特问。

　 “I don’t know,” he’d said. “At least the next year.”

“不知道，”他说，“至少到明年吧。”

　 “Willem,” Kit had said, after a silence, “I understand how close you and Jude are. But don’t you think you should take advantage of the momentum you have? You could do whatever you wanted.” He was referring to The Iliad and The Odyssey, which had both been enormous successes, proof, Kit liked to point out, that he could do anything he wanted now. “From what I know of Jude, he’d say the same thing.” And then, when he didn’t say anything, “It’s not like this is your wife, or kid, or something. This is your friend.”

“威廉，”基特沉默了一会儿说，“我知道你和裘德有多亲，但你不觉得你应该好好利用眼前的声势吗？你现在可以演任何你想演的角色了。”他指的是《伊利亚特》和《奥德赛》，两部都非常成功；就像基特指出的，他现在可以演任何他想演的戏了。“以我对裘德的了解，他也会说同样的话。”基特看他没吭声，便又说道，“这又不是你的老婆、小孩或什么。这是你的朋友啊。”

　 “You mean ‘just your friend,’ ” he’d said, testily. Kit was Kit; he thought like an agent, and he trusted how Kit thought—he had been with him since the beginning of his career; he tried not to fight with him. And Kit had always guided him well. “No fat, no filler,” he liked to brag about Willem’s career, reviewing the history of his roles. They both knew that Kit was far more ambitious for him than he was—he always had been. And yet it had been Kit who’d gotten him on the first flight out of Sri Lanka after Richard had called him; Kit who’d had the producers shut down production for seven days so he could fly to New York and back.

“你的意思是‘只是你的朋友’。”他不耐烦地说。基特就是这样，向来用经纪人的立场思考，他也信任基特的想法——他在演员生涯一开始就跟他合作；他尽量不跟他争执。而基特一直很会指引他。“从不注水，从不马虎。”他喜欢这样炫耀威廉的演员生涯，评论他演过的角色。他们都知道基特远比他自己更有野心，向来如此。然而，当初理查德打电话给他时，也是基特让他搭上第一班离开斯里兰卡的飞机，还让制作人停工七天，好让他飞回纽约再飞回去。