[00:00.00] The First Four Minutes

[00:04.10]When do people decide whether or not they want to become friends?

[00:10.74]During their first four minutes together,

[00:15.99]according to a book by Dr.Leonard Zunin.In his book,Contact.

[00:23.54]The First Four Minutes,he offers this advice

[00:29.39]to anyone interested in starting new friendships:

[00:35.34]"Every time you meet someone in a social situation,

[00:41.30]give him your undivided attention for four minutes.

[00:47.33]A lot of people's whole lives would change if they did just that."

[00:54.49]You may have noticed that the average person does not give

[01:00.76]his undivided attention to someone he has just met.

[01:06.80]He keeps looking over the other person's shoulder,

[01:11.65]as if hoping to find someone more interesting

[01:17.22]in another part of the room.

[01:21.06]If anyone has ever done this to you,

[01:25.63]you probaby did not like him very much.

[01:30.28]When we are introduced to new people,the author sugests,

[01:36.13]we should try to appear friendly and self-confident.

[01:41.67]In general,he says,"People like people who like themselves."

[01:48.20]On the other hand,we should not make the other person

[01:53.87]think we are too sure of ourselves.

[01:58.62]It is important to appear interested and sympathetic,

[02:04.26]realizing that the other person has his own needs,fears,and hopes.

[02:11.53]Hearing such advice,one might say,

[02:15.97]"But I'm not a friendly,self-confident person.

[02:20.93]That's not my nature.It would be dishonest for me to act that way."

[02:28.19]In reply,Dr.Zunin would claim that a little prattice

[02:34.04]can help us feel comfortable about changing our social habits.

[02:40.29]We can become accustomed to any changes we choose to make

[02:46.03]in our personality.

[02:49.38]"It's like getting used to a new car.

[02:53.71]It may be unfamiliar at first,

[02:57.87]but it goes much better than the old one."

[03:02.10]But isn't it dishonest to give the appearance of friendly self-confidence

[03:09.36]when we don't actually feel that way?

[03:13.62]Perhaps,but according to Dr.Zunin,

[03:18.37]"total honesty"is not always good for social relationships.

[03:25.43]especially during the first few minutes of contact.

[03:30.89]There is a time for everything,and a certain a mount

[03:37.03]of playacting may be best

[03:41.00]for the first minutes of contact with a stanger.

[03:45.93]That is not the time to complain about one's health

[03:51.78]or to mention faults one finds in other people.

[03:57.04]It is not the time to tell whole truth

[04:02.08]about one's opinions and impressions.

[04:07.12]Much of what has been said about strangers

[04:12.66]also applies to relationships with family members and friends.

[04:20.02]For a husband and wife or a parent and child,

[04:25.35]problems often arise during their first four minutes together

[04:31.80]after and they have been apart.

[04:36.45]Dr.Zunin suggests that these first few minutes

[04:42.49]together be treated with care.

[04:46.54]If there are unpleasant matters to be discussed,

[04:52.18]the should be dealt with later.

[04:55.94]The author declares that interpersonal relations

[05:01.79]should be taught as a required coures in every school,

[05:07.64]along with reading,writing,and mathematics.

[05:13.21]In his opinion,success in life depends mainly

[05:19.56]on how we get along with other people.

[05:24.10]That is at least as important as how much we know.