[00:00.00] Getting to the Airport
[00:04.49]After years of study,
[00:08.54]I have determined there are only two types of people in this world:
[00:15.39]those who get to the airport early
[00:19.64]and those who stroll in as the plane is about to take off.
[00:25.91]If there were any justice in this world,
[00:31.16]the early-airport people would be rewarded for doing the right thing.
[00:37.41]And the late-airport people would be punished.
[00:42.87]But there is no justice.
[00:47.12]The early-airport people get ulcers,
[00:51.96]heart attacks and bite their fingernails to the bone.
[00:57.60]The late-airport people barely are aware they are flying.
[01:04.05]I once found myself in an airport bar
[01:09.69]with a man on the same flight as me.
[01:14.76]Our flight had been called three times,
[01:19.62]but he insisted we stay for another round.
[01:25.05]"If we miss this one,
[01:28.92]there's always another plane in an hour,"he said.
[01:33.78]signalling for two more drinks.
[01:38.32]"To Dhahran,Saudi Arabia?"I said.
[01:43.78]"There isn't another flight for a week."
[01:48.33]"I have a theory,"he said."If you miss your flight,
[01:53.68]it's because God didn't want you to go."
[01:58.62]This is clearly a guy who is never going go get an ulcer.
[02:04.66]Early-airport people suffer another abuse.
[02:10.40]They are called exactly what they are:wimps.
[02:16.05]I know.I was an early-airport person for years.
[02:22.60]My luggage will get on the plane first,I told myself.
[02:28.24]Indeed it wil.Which makes it the last luggage
[02:34.31]they take off the plane when you land.
[02:39.06]You know who really gets his luggage first?
[02:44.00]The late-airport person,who strolls into the airport three minutes
[02:50.74]before the plane takes off.
[02:54.89]The pilot is practically in the air
[02:59.33]when these people are still paying off the taxi.
[03:04.66]Then they make a big fuss at the gate in order to get their luggage on board.
[03:11.40]And when we findlly take off,all us wimps know
[03:17.15]that not only will that late luggage be the first off the plane,
[03:22.89]but it is probably sitting on top of our luggage,crushing our shirts.
[03:29.84]But if I get three real,real early,I told my old wimpy self,
[03:36.29]I will get the best seat.
[03:40.53]Well,just try to show up early and get the seat you want.
[03:46.46]Go ahead and try.
[03:50.58]No matter how early I showed up,
[03:55.23]I was always told that someone had called two
[04:00.38]or three years ahead of me and asked for that seat.
[04:06.02]I figured it was a conspiracy.
[04:10.67]I figured there was someone in America who called
[04:16.03]every airline every day and said:
[04:20.49]"Is that wimp Simon flying somewhere today?
[04:25.93]If he is,give me his seat"
[04:30.86]The ultimate embarrassment
[04:35.23]of the early-airport person happened to me to few years ago
[04:41.36]when I was flying from La Guardia to O'Hare.
[04:46.54]When I got to the ticket counter,
[04:50.87]the person there said:"Sir,you have a seat on the 9:15 a.m.
[04:57.33]flight to Chicago,is that right?"\"Yes,"I said.
[05:03.78]"Well,it's only 7a.m..,and the 7:05 a.m.flight has not left yet.
[05:11.43]If you hurry,you can make it."Do you think so?
[05:18.30]I was too embarrassed to say that I arrived at airports early
[05:24.65]so I wouldn't have to hurry.
[05:28.49]Instead,I ran down the corridor to the plane.
[05:34.13]I climbed on board,out of breath,red-faced,
[05:39.77]and stumbled over a woman's legs to get to the last unoccupied seat.
[05:46.93]The woman I stepped over was no wimp.She had the guts to complain.
[05:54.80]"You should get to the airport earlier!"she snapped at me.
[06:00.44]"I was here early,"I said weakly."But then somehow I wasn't anymore."
[06:07.20]After a lifetime of arguing over whether
[06:12.64]I really have to pack 24 hours in advance
[06:18.57]and set teh alarm clock four hours ahead,
[06:23.29]I have learned one other fact.
[06:27.34]about early airport people and later airport people,
[06:32.88]They always marry each other.
