■ 倘若鸟儿回还 If It Comes Back
◎ Charle Eastman
Charles saw them both at the same time: a small white bird and the girl wheeling down the walk. The bird glided downward and rested in the grass; the girl directed the chair smoothly along the sunlit, shadowy walk. She stopped to watch the ducks on the pond and when she shoved the wheels again, Charles stood up. “May I push you?” he called, running across the grass to her. The white bird flew to the top of a tree.
查尔斯是在同一时刻看到他们的：一只白色的小鸟和坐着轮椅漫步而来的女孩。小鸟向下滑翔而来，栖息在草丛中；女孩则缓缓地驾着轮椅，走在阳光照射下婆娑的树影间。她停下来看了看池塘里的鸭子，当她再次用手推动轮椅时，查尔斯一下子站了起来。“我来推你，好吗？”他一面喊着，一面穿过草地朝她跑去。那只小白鸟嗖地一下飞上了树梢。
It was mostly he who talked and he seemed afraid to stop for fear she’d ask him to leave her by herself. Nothing in her face had supported the idea of helplessness conveyed by the wheelchair, and he knew that his assistance[91] was not viewed as a favor. He asked the cause of her handicap.
大多数时间都是他在不停地说话，他似乎担心话一停，她就会请他离开，好让她一个人呆着。她的脸上根本看不到任何因为轮椅而存在的无助表情，因此他知道，自己的帮助并没有被看作一种恩惠。他问起了导致她残疾的原因。
“It was an automobile accident when I was 12,” Amy explained.
“我12岁那年出了一场车祸。”艾米解释道。
They went for lunch, and he would have felt awkward[92] except that she knew completely how to take care of herself.
接着，他们一起去吃了午餐。幸好她能完全自理，不然他可就尴尬了。
“Do you live with someone?” he asked the next day when they met.
第二天见面时，他问道：“你和什么人住在一起吗？”
“Just myself,” she answered. Asking the question made him feel uneasy because of his own loneliness even though he was hoping for this answer.
“就我自己。”她答道。尽管这正是他希望得到的答案，但是，提出这个问题还是让他有些不安，因为他自己也过得很孤独。
He came to like to feel the white handles in his grasp, to walk between the two white-rimmed metal wheels. And he grew almost more familiar with the slight wave at the back of her hair than with her eyes or her mouth. Once, he said to the wave at the back of her hair, “I hope I’m the only chair-pusher in your life,” but she had only smiled a little and her eyes had admitted nothing.
他开始喜欢把轮椅的白色手柄握在手里的感觉，喜欢在那两只镶有白边的金属轮子中间推车行走。他越来越熟悉她那披在身后的、微微起伏的长发，甚至超过了对她的眼睛和嘴唇的熟悉程度。有一次，他对着她波浪一般起伏的长发说：“真希望我是你生命中唯一为你推轮椅的人。”但她只是浅浅一笑，眼里没有任何表示。
She cooked dinner for him once in June. He expected her to be proud of her ability to do everything from her seat in the wheelchair—and was faintly disappointed to see that she would not feel pride at what was, for her, simply a matter of course. He watched his own hand pick up the salt shaker and place it on one of the higher unused shelves, and awaited her plea for[93] assistance. He didn’t know why he’d done it, but the look in her eyes made him realize how cruel his prank was. To make her forget what he’d done, he told her about the little white bird in the park.
6月的时候，她曾为他做过一顿晚餐。她能坐在轮椅上做任何事情，他以为她会引以为豪——可她仅仅把这当作一件理所当然的事，并无自豪感可言，这让他有些失落。他亲手拿起盐瓶，把它放到一块较高的、不常用的碗柜搁板上，然后等着她请求帮助。他不明白自己为什么要这么做，但她的眼神让他意识到，他的恶作剧有多么残酷。为了让她忘掉自己刚才的愚蠢行为，他跟她说起了公园里的那只小白鸟。
“I’ve seen it, too,” she said. “I read a poem once about a little white bird that came to rest on a windowsill and the lady who lived in the house began to put out food for it. Soon the lady fell in love, but it was a mismatched love. Every day the little bird came to the window and the lady put out food. When the love affair was over, the little white bird never returned, but the woman went on putting out the crumbs every day for years and the wind just blew them away.”
“我也看见过那只小白鸟，”她说，“我曾经读过一首诗，诗中的小白鸟经常栖息在一户人家的窗台上，女主人开始拿出食物喂它。很快，女主人便爱上了这只鸟儿，可这场爱恋并不般配。小鸟每天飞到窗前，女主人便每天捧出食物。恋情结束之后，小白鸟一去不复返，可女主人连着几年日复一日地把面包屑放到窗台上，任风把它们吹走。”
In July he took her boating frequently. The most awkward event, she felt, was getting in and out of the boat. For Charles, however, these “freight[94] handlings,” as she came to call it, seemed to be the highlight of the outings. In the boat she felt helpless, unable to move around, sitting in one spot. Also, she was unable to swim, should the boat turn over. Charles didn’t observe her discomfort; she did note how much he enjoyed being in control. When he called for her one day in early August, she refused to.
7月的时候，他常常带她去划船。最令她尴尬的是，自己只能由查尔斯抱上抱下，她称这个为“货物装卸”。然而，对查尔斯来说，那些时刻好像就是他们户外活动最精彩的部分。在船上她感到很无助，没法四处活动，只能坐在一个地方。而且一旦船翻了，她也不会游泳。查尔斯完全没注意到她的不安；而她发现了他是那么喜欢控制别人。8月初的一天，他邀请她去划船，她拒绝了。
They would, instead, she said, go for a walk in which she would move herself by the strength of her own arms and he would walk beside her.
她建议他们出去散步，这样她可以凭自己的手臂力量推动轮椅，他就可以走在她的身边。
“Why don’t you just rest your arms and let me push you?”
“你为什么不让自己的胳膊休息一下，让我来推你呢？”
“No.”
“不用。”
“Your arms will get sore. I’ve been helping you do it for three months now.”
“你的胳膊会酸的，3个月以来一直是我在推你的呀！”
“I wheeled myself for 12 years before you came along.”
“可在你出现之前，我推了自己12年。”
“But I don’t like having to walk beside you while you push yourself!”
“可我不愿让你自己推轮椅，而我只是个旁观者！”
“Do you think I liked sitting helpless in your boat every weekend for the past two months?”
“你以为过去2个月的每个周末，我就喜欢无可奈何地坐在你的船上吗？”
He never considered this and was shocked into silence. Finally he said quietly, “I never realized that, Amy. You’re in a wheelchair all the time—I never thought you’d mind sitting in the boat. It’s the same thing.”
他一时间惊讶得说不出话，因为他从未考虑过这点。最后，他平静地说道：“我从未意识到这一点，艾米。你一直坐在轮椅上——我没想过你会介意我让你坐在船上。我以为这是一码事。”
“It is not the same thing. In this chair, I can move by myself; I can go anywhere I need to go. That boat traps me so I can’t do anything—I couldn’t even save myself if something happened and I fell out.”
“这不是一回事。坐在轮椅上，我还能行动自如，想去哪里就能去哪里；而那条船却把我困住了，它让我感到无奈——万一发生了意外，我掉进水里，我甚至都无法自救。”
“But I’m there. Don’t you think I could save you or help you move or whatever it is you want?”
“可是有我在啊！难道你觉得我救不了你，不能帮你活动或是干你任何想干的事吗？”
“Yes, but Charles—the point is I’ve spent 12 years learning to manage by myself. I even live in a city that’s miles from my family so I’ll have to be independent and do things for myself. Being placed in the boat takes all that I’ve won away from me. Can’t you see why I object to it? I don’t want to feel helpless.”
“你能。可是，查尔斯——关键是我花了12年的时间才学会自理。我甚至搬到离家几英里远的城市，就是为了让自己独立，一切都由自己动手。把我放在船上等于剥夺了我所获得的一切。难道你不明白我为什么反对你那样做吗？我不想让自己感到无助。”
As they went down the path Charles selfishly only thought of his own needs, finally he lost control and said, “Amy, I need to have you dependent upon me.” He grabbed the wheelchair and pushed her along. She had to let go of the wheels or injure herself. He could not see the anger in her eyes, and it was just as well for it was an anger he would not have understood.
他们沿着小路继续往前走着，自私的查尔斯只顾自己的需求，最后他失去了控制，说道：“艾米，我需要你依赖着我。” 他一把抓过轮椅，推着她飞跑起来。无奈，她只好放开轮子，免得伤到自己。他看不到她眼中的愤怒，这样也好，因为那种愤怒不是他所能理解的。
She would not answer her telephone the next morning but in his mail that afternoon came an envelope that he knew had come from Amy. The handwriting was not beautiful, but it was without question hers. Inside was only a card on which she had written:
第二天清晨，她没有接他打来的电话。可下午的时候，查尔斯收到的信件中有一封信，他知道那一定是艾米写给自己的。字写得虽不漂亮，但可以肯定那就是她的笔迹。信封里只有一张卡片，上面写着：
If you want something badly enough,
如果你渴望爱情，
You must let it go free.
就必须给它自由。
If it comes back to you,
倘若鸟儿回还，
It’s yours.
它就不再飞走。
If it doesn’t,
若它去无影踪，
You really never had it anyway.
你从未真正拥有。
(Anonymous)
（无名氏）
He ran out of his apartment, refusing to believe that Amy might no longer be in her home. As he was running towards her apartment, he kept hearing a roar in his ears: “You must let it go free; you must let it go free.”
他冲出公寓，不肯相信艾米会搬家。他朝她的公寓狂奔而去，一路上只有一个声音在他耳边萦绕：“给它自由；你必须给它自由！”
But he thought: I can’t risk it, she is mine, can’t give her a chance not to belong to me, can’t let her think she doesn’t need me, she must need me. Oh God, I have to have her.
可他心想：我不能冒这个险，她是我的，我绝不允许她不再属于我，绝不允许她有不再需要我的想法，她一定需要我。噢，上帝，我必须得到她！
But her apartment was empty. Somehow in the hours overnight, she had packed—by herself—and moved by herself. The rooms were now impersonal; their cold stillness could not respond when he fell to the floor and sobbed.
然而，她的公寓早已人去楼空。她一定是在头天夜里花了几个小时收拾好行李——自己动手——然后离开的。此时此刻，房间里再也找不到任何生命的气息。他倒在地板上啜泣，回答他的只有一片阴冷的寂静。
By the middle of August he had heard nothing from Amy. He went often to the park but avoided looking for the white bird.
到了8月中旬，他依然没收到艾米的任何消息。他还是常常去公园，但总是刻意地不愿看见那只白色的小鸟。
September came and had almost gone before he finally received a letter. The handwriting was without question hers. The postmark was that of a city many miles distant. He tore open the envelope and at first thought it was empty. Then he noticed a single white feather had fallen from it. In his mind, the white bird rose in flight and its wings let fly one feather. Were it not for the feather, no one would have known that the white bird had ever been. Thus he knew Amy would not be back, and it was many hours before he let the feather drop out of his hand.
来也匆匆去也匆匆的9月，他终于收到了一封熟悉的来信，毫无疑问，那就是她的笔迹。邮戳表明这封信来自另一个遥远的城市。他撕开信封，最初以为里面什么也没有，后来才发现那根从信封中飘落的洁白羽毛。他的脑海里浮现出那只小白鸟，它展翅高飞，一片羽毛从它的翅膀上飘落。若不是小白鸟离去时留下了这片羽毛，试问有谁会知道它曾经来过呢？于是，他终于明白：艾米再也不会回来了。好几个钟头之后，那根羽毛才从他的手中悄然滑落。
