DECEMBER 24.

As I anticipated, the ambassador occasions me infinite annoyance. He is the most punctilious blockhead under heaven. He does everything step by step, with the trifling minuteness of an old woman; and he is a man whom it is impossible to please, because he is never pleased with himself. I like to do business regularly and cheerfully, and, when it is finished, to leave it. But he constantly returns my papers to me, saying, “They will do,” but recommending me to look over them again, as “one may always improve by using a better word or a more appropriate particle.” I then lose all patience, and wish myself at the devil’s. Not a conjunction, not an adverb, must be omitted: he has a deadly antipathy to all those transpositions of which I am so fond; and, if the music of our periods is not tuned to the established, official key, he cannot comprehend our meaning. It is deplorable to be connected with such a fellow.

My acquaintance with the Count C— is the only compensation for such an evil. He told me frankly, the other day, that he was much displeased with the difficulties and delays of the ambassador; that people like him are obstacles, both to themselves and to others. “But,” added he, “one must submit, like a traveller who has to ascend a mountain: if the mountain was not there, the road would be both shorter and pleasanter; but there it is, and he must get over it.”

The old man perceives the count’s partiality for me: this annoys him, and, he seizes every opportunity to depreciate the count in my hearing. I naturally defend him, and that only makes matters worse. Yesterday he made me indignant, for he also alluded to me. “The count,” he said, “is a man of the world, and a good man of business: his style is good, and he writes with facility; but, like other geniuses, he has no solid learning.” He looked at me with an expression that seemed to ask if I felt the blow. But it did not produce the desired effect: I despise a man who can think and act in such a manner. However, I made a stand, and answered with not a little warmth. The count, I said, was a man entitled to respect, alike for his character and his acquirements. I had never met a person whose mind was stored with more useful and extensive knowledge,—who had, in fact, mastered such an infinite variety of subjects, and who yet retained all his activity for the details of ordinary business. This was altogether beyond his comprehension; and I took my leave, lest my anger should be too highly excited by some new absurdity of his.

And you are to blame for all this, you who persuaded me to bend my neck to this yoke by preaching a life of activity to me. If the man who plants vegetables, and carries his corn to town on market-days, is not more usefully employed than I am, then let me work ten years longer at the galleys to which I am now chained.

Oh, the brilliant wretchedness, the weariness, that one is doomed to witness among the silly people whom we meet in society here! The ambition of rank! How they watch, how they toil, to gain precedence! What poor and contemptible passions are displayed in their utter nakedness! We have a woman here, for example, who never ceases to entertain the company with accounts of her family and her estates. Any stranger would consider her a silly being, whose head was turned by her pretensions to rank and property; but she is in reality even more ridiculous, the daughter of a mere magistrate’s clerk from this neighbourhood. I cannot understand how human beings can so debase themselves.

Every day I observe more and more the folly of judging of others by ourselves; and I have so much trouble with myself, and my own heart is in such constant agitation, that I am well content to let others pursue their own course, if they only allow me the same privilege.

What provokes me most is the unhappy extent to which distinctions of rank are carried. I know perfectly well how necessary are inequalities of condition, and I am sensible of the advantages I myself derive therefrom; but I would not have these institutions prove a barrier to the small chance of happiness which I may enjoy on this earth.

I have lately become acquainted with a Miss B—, a very agreeable girl, who has retained her natural manners in the midst of artificial life. Our first conversation pleased us both equally; and, at taking leave, I requested permission to visit her. She consented in so obliging a manner, that I waited with impatience for the arrival of the happy moment. She is not a native of this place, but resides here with her aunt. The countenance of the old lady is not prepossessing. I paid her much attention, addressing the greater part of my conversation to her; and, in less than half an hour, I discovered what her niece subsequently acknowledged to me, that her aged aunt, having but a small fortune, and a still smaller share of understanding, enjoys no satisfaction except in the pedigree of her ancestors, no protection save in her noble birth, and no enjoyment but in looking from her castle over the heads of the humble citizens. She was, no doubt, handsome in her youth, and in her early years probably trifled away her time in rendering many a poor youth the sport of her caprice: in her riper years she has submitted to the yoke of a veteran officer, who, in return for her person and her small independence, has spent with her what we may designate her age of brass. He is dead; and she is now a widow, and deserted. She spends her iron age alone, and would not be approached, except for the loveliness of her niece.

十二月二十四日

公使给了我许多烦恼，这是我预料到的。像他似的吹毛求疵的傻瓜，世上找不出第二个。一板一眼，啰里啰唆，活像个老太婆；他这人从来没有满意自己的时候，因此谁也甭想多会儿能称他的心。我喜欢的可是干事爽快麻利，是怎样就怎样；他呢，却有本事把文稿退还给我，说什么“文章嘛写得倒挺好，不过您不妨再看看，每看一遍总可以找到一个更漂亮的句子，一个更适合的小品词”。——这真叫我气得要死。任何一个“和”，任何一个连词，你都甭想省去；我偶尔不经意用了几个倒装句，他都拼命反对；要是你竟把他那些长套句换了调调，他更会摆出一副完全摸不着头脑的样子，和这样一个人打交道，真叫受罪啊。

只有C伯爵的信任，才给我以安慰。最近他开诚布公地告诉我，他对我这位公使的拖沓与多疑也很不满。“这种人不仅自讨苦吃，也给人家添麻烦。不过，”他说，“我们必须听天由命。这就像旅行者不得不翻一座山，这座山要是不存在，路走起来自然舒坦得多，也短得多；可它既然已经存在，那你就必须翻过去！”

我那老头子心里明白，比起他来伯爵更器重我。他对此十分生气，一抓住机会就当着我的面讲伯爵的坏话；我呢，自然便要为伯爵辩护，这一来事情只会更糟。昨天我简直叫他惹火了，因为他下面的一席话，捎带着把我也给骂了进去。他说，伯爵处理起事务来还算行，非常干练，笔头嘛也来得，可就是缺少渊博的学识，跟所有文人一样。讲这话时，他那副神气仿佛在问：“怎么样，刺痛你了吧？”我才不吃这一套哩；我鄙视一个像这样思想和行动的人，便与他针锋相对，毫不让步。我道，无论品性或是学识，伯爵都是位理应受到尊重的人。“在我所有相识者中，”我说，“没有谁像他那样心胸开阔，见多识广，同时又精于日常事务的。”——我这话在老头子无异于对牛弹琴；为了避免闲扯下去再找气怄，我就告辞了。

瞧，全都怪你们不是。是你们唠唠叨叨，劝我来戴上了这副重轭，成天价在我耳边念“要有所作为呀”，“要有所作为呀”。要有所作为！如果一个种出马铃薯来运进城去卖的农民，他不就已经比我更有作为的话，我也甘愿在眼下这条囚禁我的苦役船上再受十年罪。

还有那班麇集此间的小市民们的虚伪与无聊！他们是如此斤斤计较等级，无时无刻不在瞅着抢到别人前头去一步的机会，以致这种最可悲、最低下的欲望，竟表现得赤裸裸的。比如有一个女人，她逢人便讲她的贵族血统和领地，使每个不谙内情者都只能当她是白痴，要不怎么会神经失常，把自己那点儿贵族的血液和世袭的领地竟看得如此了不起。——更糟糕的是，这个女的偏偏只是本地一名书记官的千金。——是啊，我真不明白这类人，他们怎么竟如此没有廉耻。

不过，好朋友，我一天比一天看得更加清楚，以自己去衡量别人是很愚蠢的。何况我本身有的是伤脑筋的事儿，我这颗心真叫不平静呵——唉，我真乐于让人家走人家的路，只要他们也让我走自己的路就成。

最令我恼火的是市民阶层的可悲处境。尽管我和任何人一样，也清楚了解等级差别是必要的，它甚至还给我本人带来了不少好处，可是，它却偏偏又妨碍着我，使我不能享受这世界上仅存的一点点欢乐，一星星幸福。最近，我在散步时认识了封·B小姐；她是一位在眼前的迂腐环境中仍不失其自然天性的可爱姑娘。我和她谈得十分投机，临别时请她允许我上她家去看她。她大大方方地答应了，使我更加急不可耐地等着约定的时间到来。她并非本地人，住的是一位姑母家里。老太太的长相我一见就不喜欢，但仍然对她十分敬重，多数时间都在和她周旋。可是不到半小时，我便摸清了她的底细，而事后封·B小姐也向我承认了。原来亲爱的姑妈老来事事不如意，既无一笔符合身份的产业，也无智慧和可依靠的人，有的只是一串祖先的名字和可资凭借的贵族地位，而她唯一的消遣，就是从她的楼上俯视脚下的市民的脑袋。据说她年轻时倒是很俊俏的，只是由于行事太诡，才毁了自己的一生，开始一意孤行，把不少倒霉的小青年折磨得够呛；后来上了几分年纪，就只好屈就一位软耳根的军官啦。此人以这个代价和一笔勉强够用的生活费，和她一道度过了那些艰辛的岁月。随后他就一命呜呼，丢下了她孤零零一个人，眼下的日子同样艰辛。要不是她那外甥女如此可爱的话，谁还高兴来瞅她一瞅啊。