[00:00.00]Unit 5 Home and Family

[00:13.87]Waiting(E)

[00:16.43]Mr.and Mrs.Clark decided to separate

[00:21.16]Before being allowed to do so legally

[00:25.21]the Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling

[00:29.96]from the marriage counselor

[00:33.12]to see if their union could be saved

[00:37.28]The counselor did her hest,but it didn't work.

[00:41.72]Mr.and Mrs.Clark made up their minds to go through with the separation

[00:47.28]leading to divorce

[00:50.52]Finally,the counselor said,"But you're 95 and your wife is 93.

[00:57.78]You've been married for 72 years!Why do you want to separate now?"

[01:03.74]Mr.Clark replied:

[01:06.80]"We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years.

[01:11.94]But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."

[01:17.22]Thanksgiving(M)

[01:19.86]Mr.Hunter calls his son in Boston.

[01:24.22]The old man says,"Son,I hate to bring you the bad news...

[01:31.45]but your mother and I,we are getting a divorce

[01:36.29]The son is surprised,"What?You can't!"

[01:41.93]Mr.Hunter says,"I'm sorry,son!Forty-five years of misery is enough!

[01:50.18]Now,I am sick of talking about it,

[01:54.13]call your sister and tell her!"And he hangs up.

[01:59.48]The son,nearly in tears,calls his sister in New York,"Sis,"he says,

[02:07.24]"you're not going to believe this!Mom and dad are getting a...a...divorce!"

[02:14.50]"What?!"she shouts on the phone

[02:18.66]"Oh,no.They aren't!You stay put.I'll call you right back!"And she hangs up.

[02:28.09]The sister calls the parents in Los Angels,"You two are not getting a divorce"

[02:35.66]Mr.Hunter says,"Honey,listen..."

[02:40.03]The daughter says,"No,you listen!You are not getting a divorce!

[02:46.19]You know what?You don't do anything!I'm calling brother back.

[02:51.86]We'll be there tomorrow!Don't do anything."And she hangs up.

[02:57.50]Mr.Hunter hangs uup calmly,looks at Mrs.Hunter,and says,

[03:02.96]"Well, they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares.

[03:08.71]What shall we tell them on Christmas?"

[03:12.24]Angry Wife(D)

[03:15.29]Jim and Frank are having fun in a party one night

[03:20.96]when jim looks at Frank and says,

[03:25.51]"I have to get home,or my wife is going to kill me."

[03:31.07]Frank says,"What?Are you kidding me?My wife lets me do whatever I want."

[03:39.90]Jim says,"I know,I know,"embarrassed that his wife controls him

[03:48.26]He continues,"I try to sneak past her every time

[03:54.50]I drive really slowly down the street

[03:59.78]and turn the headlights off 100 yards short my driveway

[04:06.33]Fifty feet shortI turn off the engine so that I can coast in.

[04:14.20]I shut the car door gently,open the front door to the house quietly

[04:21.56]take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks

[04:28.33]and sneak through the bedroom door and he sat up all night watching me."

[04:32.59]But as soon as I hit the bed ,she is up screaming at me."

[04:38.47]Frank laughs and replies,"There is your problem.

[04:45.02]Let me tell you what I do.Every time I go home late at night,

[04:51.87]I drive fast down my street,

[04:56.44]bump into the garage door and slam the car door shut.

[05:02.89]Then I kick open the front door,stomp up the stairs,

[05:08.95]swing the bedroom door open,and jump up on the bed.

[05:14.59]Then I shout to my wife,'Hey,honey,where's my dinner?'

[05:20.34]She's sleeping every time I say it."

[05:25.02]Unit 6 Jobs and Occupations

[05:40.17]A Job Interview(E)

[05:43.64]Reaching the end fo a job interview

[05:48.50]the interviewer asked a young accountant fresh out of college

[05:54.66]"And what starting salary were you looking for?"

[06:00.02]The accountant said,"About $100,000 a year,depending on the benefits package."

[06:09.58]The interviewer said,"Well,what would you say to a package of 5 weeks'vacation

[06:17.44]14 paid holidays,full health insurance a retirment fund for 50% of your salary

[06:27.29]and a company car leased every 2 years?"

[06:32.33]The accountant sat up straight and said,"Wow!Are you kidding?"

[06:39.18]And the interviewer replied,"Yeah,but you started it."

[06:45.84]Test (M)

[06:48.58]Fred and Eric were computer programmers,

[06:54.43]and they applied for a single position at a computer company

[07:01.09]They both had the same qualifications

[07:06.97]In order to determine which individual to hire,

[07:12.72]the manager asked them to take a test.

[07:17.89]Upon completion of the test,both men missed only one of the questions

[07:26.96]The manager went to Fred and said,"Thank you for your interest

[07:33.62]but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

[07:39.78]"And why would you do that?We both got nine questions correct,"asked Fred.

[07:47.96]"We have based our decision not on the correct answers

[07:54.72]but on the question you missed,"said the manager.

[08:00.29]"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"asked Frank.

[08:09.14]"Simple,"said the manager.

[08:13.51]"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5,'I don't know.'

[08:20.87]You put down,'Neither do I."

[08:25.91]Competing for a Job(M)

[08:29.28]A telephone company puts a want ad in the newspaper in order to recruit workers

[08:36.36]The next day,two groups of workers show up

[08:41.22]a crew of five men and a crew of five women

[08:46.08]The company cannot decide whom to give the job to,

[08:51.04]so they give the two groups a test

[08:54.70]The company boss says,

[08:58.75]"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground

[09:05.10]Whoever is able to get it done first will get the job."

[09:09.96]Both groups agree this is a fair test,

[09:14.40]so off they go in the company trucks

[09:18.65]with the long telephone poles sticking out the back

[09:23.33]At 5:00,the female crew returns.

[09:27.77]"Yes!"they shout."We came back first,so we get the job!!"

[09:33.62]"Good work,ladies,"says the boss.

[09:37.38]"However,we must wait until the other crew comes back

[09:42.74]to make sure the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic

[09:47.60]or the truck breaking down"Fine,no problem,"say the ladies.

[09:53.55]Finally,at 8:30,the male crew arrives.

[09:58.52]They are flushed and breating hard,as if they had just gone through hard labor.

[10:04.40]"What happened to you?What took you so long?"asks the boss.

[10:10.56]"What do you mean,'what took you so long'?Do we get the job?"

[10:15.52]"You get the job?No way!The ladies were back here hours ago!"

[10:21.79]"Well,of course they were,"say the men."They only put the pole in halfway!"

[10:27.96]Unit 7 People

[10:41.23]Larry and Two Cows(M)

[10:45.07]Larry had two cows,but he could never remember which was which

[10:52.23]He called Mary on the phone,and she suggested cut off the tip of one cow's tail

[11:02.07]which worked great until the other cow got his tail caught in a bush

[11:10.22]The second cow's tail tore in the same place

[11:16.10]and looked exactly like the other cow's tail

[11:21.35]Larry was stuck again

[11:25.11]Mary then suggested he notch the ear of one cow

[11:30.68]which workled fine until the other cow caught his ear on a barbed wire fence

[11:37.81]Once again.Larry couldn't tell the two cows apart

[11:44.26]Larry got Mary on the phone again,and she then measure the cows for height

[11:54.42]When he did that,

[11:58.68]Larry was very pleased to find the fat cow two inches taller than the lean one.

[12:07.54]Wade and 168 Duckings (M)

[12:13.39]Wade was riding a bike in the countryside

[12:17.62]and he stopped to let a flock of little ducklings pass

[12:22.16]Admiring the cute little fluffy birds,he said to the farmer,

[12:27.31]"If I can guess how many ducklings you have,can I take one?"

[12:32.88]The farmer said,"Sure!"

[12:36.53]Wade thought for a moment and said,"168."

[12:42.59]This being the correct number the farmer was,understandably,totally amazed

[12:50.14]and said,"You're right!O.K.I'll keep my promise

[12:56.20]Take your pick of my flock

[12:59.47]Wadecarefully considered the entire flock

[13:04.12]and finally picked the one that was by far cuter

[13:08.58]and more playful than any of the others

[13:12.63]When he was done,the farmer turned to him and said,

[13:17.20]"O.K.now I have a proposition for you.

[13:22.46]If I can guess your IQ,can I have my chick back?"

[13:28.31]Unit 8 Services

[13:41.86]Why Do You Keep Calling?(E)

[13:45.10]David calls his doctor's office and says,

[13:50.07]"This is David Thomas,and I'd like to speak to my doctor."

[13:55.13]the receptionist replies,"I'm sorry,but Dr.Walpole died last week."

[14:01.30]The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

[14:06.45]The receptionest replies"I told you yesterday-he died last week."

[14:13.21]The next day David calls again and asks to speak to Dr.Walpole.

[14:19.66]But this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,

[14:25.02]"I keep telling you that your doctor died last week.Why do you keep calling?"

[14:31.78]David says,"Because I just love hearing it."

[14:36.64]I Only Want $100(E)

[14:40.80]Sammy prayed every night for two weeks,asking God for $100.

[14:48.97]When he got no responde

[14:52.73]he thought it would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked

[14:59.58]The post office received the letter addressed to"God,Los Angeles"

[15:06.45]They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to the mayor

[15:12.61]The mayor read the letter and thought it was cute,

[15:17.16]so he asked his secretary to send the boy $10,

[15:22.51]thinking the boy would think that was a lot of money for a little boy.

[15:29.07]When Sammy got the money,

[15:32.55]he was so excited that he sat down immediately to write a thank-you letter

[15:39.31]"Dear God,"he wrote,"Thank you very much for the money you sent.

[15:45.87]I guess it is to be expected,but I thought you should know this:

[15:52.53]When you sent it through City Hall,the government deducted $90."

[15:59.48]Sharing a Hotel Room(M)

[16:03.55]By the time Bill arrived in a little town,every hotel room had been taken.

[16:10.63]"You've got give me a room somewhere,"he said to the manager at the hotel,

[16:16.56]"or just a bed--I don't care where."

[16:20.69]"Well,I do have a double room with one guest,"admitted the manager,

[16:27.56]"and he might be glad to split the cost

[16:31.61]But to tell you the truth,he snores so loudly

[16:36.68]that people in the next room have complained lately

[16:41.04]I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

[16:44.70]"No problem,"Bill assured him."I'll take it."

[16:49.66]The next moring Bill came down to breakfast bright-eyed

[16:54.62]"How did you sleep?"asked the manager.

[16:58.78]"Never better."

[17:01.65]The manager was impressed."No peoblem with the other guy snoring,then?"

[17:08.21]"No,I shut him up in no time,"said Bill.

[17:12.86]"How did you manage that?"asked the manager.

[17:17.01]"Did you give him some medicine to stop the snoring?"

[17:21.16]"No,I didn't.But here is what I did.

[17:25.92]He was already in bed when I went into the room,"Bill explained.

[17:31.06]"I went over,gave him a kiss on the forehead,and said,'Goodnight,beautiful,'

[17:37.62]and he sat up all night watching me."