I Believe that I Always Have a Choice　我相信我总能选择

◎ Catherine Royce


I believe that I always have a choice. No matter what I’m doing. No matter where I am. No matter what is happening to me. I always have a choice.
Today I am sitting at my computer, speaking these words through a microphone. Although I have spent my life typing on a keyboard, I can no longer use my hands. Every day I sit at my computer speaking words instead of typing. In 2003, I was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Over time, this disease will weaken and finally destroy every significant muscle in my body. Ultimately, I will be unable to move, to speak, and finally, to breathe. Already, I am largely dependent upon others. So every day I review my choices.
Living with ALS seems a bit like going into the witness protection program. Everything I have ever known about myself, how I look, how I act, how I interact with the world, is rapidly and radically changing. And yet, with each change, I still have choice. When I could no longer type with my hands, I knew I could give up writing entirely or go through the arduous process of learning how to use voice recognition software. I’m not a young woman. This took real work. Interestingly, I write more now than ever before.
And at an even more practical level, every day I choose not only how I will live, but if I will live. I have no particular religious mandate that forbids contemplating a shorter life, an action that would deny this disease its ultimate expression. But this is where my belief in choice truly finds its power. I can choose to see ALS as nothing more than a death sentence or I can choose to see it as an invitation—an opportunity to learn who I truly am.
Even people in the witness protection program must take with them fundamental aspects of themselves which can never change. What are these aspects for me? This is what I learn every day, and so far I have discovered many unique things, but one stands out above the rest. I have discovered in myself an ability to recognize, give, and receive caring in a way far deeper than anything in my life previously. Others have seen this in me as well.
I, who have always been an intensely private and independent person, have allowed a wide circle of family and friends into the most intimate parts of my life. Previously, I would have found such a prospect appalling. I might have felt I had no choice but to embrace the assumption that living with ALS means a life of hardship and isolation. Instead, because I believe that I always have a choice, I opened myself to other possibilities. And now the very thing that at first seemed so abhorrent has graced my life with unaccustomed sweetness. It was always there. Only now I have chosen to see it. This sweetness underscores and celebrates my belief that I always have a choice.



我相信我总能选择。无论我在做什么，无论我在哪里，无论我发生了情况，我总能选择。
今天我坐在电脑前，通过麦克风说了这些话。虽然一直以来我都是用键盘打字，但现在我无法再使用我的手了。所以我每天在电脑前勇敢地讲话而不是打字。2003年我被诊断患有肌萎缩性脊髓侧索硬化症。随着时间的推移，这种疾病会削弱并毁坏我身上的每一块肌肉组织。最终，我将无法行动，无法开口说话，直至无法呼吸。现在我的大部分行动都要依靠别人帮助。因此，每天我都在审视我的选择。
我被诊断患有肌萎缩性脊髓侧索硬化症之后的生活，就像受保护的证人一样。我对自己的一切都很了解，我的样貌，我的行动，我与这个世界的一切互动，都从根本上发生了巨大的变化。但是，对于这所有的变化，我都有自己的选择权。当我无法再次使用我的双手打字时，我就知道我只能完全放弃手写，要经历漫长的过程去学如何使用声音识别软件。我不再是一个年轻的女人了。这对我来说真的要下一番工夫来学习。但有趣的是，现在我比以往任何时候都写得更多了。
从更为实际的角度上看，我每天选择的不仅仅是我将如何生活，而是我是否要活下去。没有任何的宗教禁忌阻止我思考是否可以提早结束我的生命，这个选择可以使我不必辛苦地撑到病情发展的最后一刻。就在这时，我一直坚信的选择真的发挥了它的力量。我可以选择把肌萎缩性脊髓侧索硬化症仅仅看做是一个死亡宣判，我也可以选择将它看做是一个邀请——一个真正认识我自己的机会。
即使每个在证人保护制度下生活的人也都会带着一些他们永不改变的特质。什么东西对我来说是永不改变的呢？这就是我每天坚持学习的东西，到目前为止，我已经发现了许多奇特的事情，但最与众不同的事情是我发现自己较之以往更能认识到，给予和接受关怀比任何都能让我获益。其他的人也发现我在这方面改变了许多。
以前我是一个独来独往、过着十分独立生活的人，让更多亲人和朋友进入我个人最私密的生活圈子会让我感到害怕。得了肌萎缩性脊髓侧索硬化症后，我以为，从此我就只能过着艰难而又与世隔绝的生活。但是，因为我相信我总有选择的余地，我愿意尝试一切其他的可能性。原先看起来十分可怕的病，却使我现在的生活变得异常甜蜜。其实幸福的生活一直在我身边，只是我现在才选择去发现它的存在。这种幸福感更加使我坚信：我总能选择。