Well, how many people have ordered DVDs and haven't pay for them.

有多少人订了DVD又不付钱的呢

If...

要是

I guess I could stop by my way to school.

我去学校的路上应该有时间绕一下的

Really really important thing.

非常非常重要的事

Cheryl? Can I call you back?

绮丽儿 我待会打给你

Okay. Great. Bye.

行 好的 再见

- Yes? What? - Hey, yeah...

-好了 什么事 -那个

I was going through your drawer in the bathroom

我刚才仔细检查了浴室你的抽屉

looking for some lip stuff because my...

找一些唇膏什么的因为我的

Lips were dry.

嘴唇干了

- God, you know me. - Phil...

-天呐 你真了解我 -菲尔

Remember the spa certificates we got

还记得我们在儿童医院拍到的

- at the children's hospital auction? - Mm-hmm.

温泉疗养券吗-当然

Well, look at this -- they expire tomorrow.

看看 明天就要到期了

Oh, wow. What are you gonna do?

那你要做什么

Claire, I don't think you're grasping the magnitude

克莱尔 我觉得你没有意识到

of this package, valued at over $250.

这一套服务的价值 这可值两百五十多美元呢

- Sweetie... - If you don't use them,

亲爱的-如果你不用它

then all our money just goes to charity.

那慈善机构就白拿我们的钱了

And so what am I supposed to do?

那我要怎么做

Somewhere between dropping off Alex at orchestra

在管弦乐队放下艾丽克斯

and picking up Luke from practice --

再照惯例去去接卢克

oh, and burning a bunch of dvds of the talent show,

还烧制一堆才艺表演的DVD的日程之间

I'm gonna, what, pop in for a quick salt scrub?

难道我要跑去做个矿物盐磨砂

I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs.

我以为绮丽儿要烧制DVD呢

Well, she's supposed to,

是的 本来是她

but somehow she's got me doing it.

但她就是把这活塞给我了

Here's what you do.

你应该这样说

Say, "Cheryl, no can do today.

就说 绮丽儿今天我不行

Need a little 'me time.'"

我需要一点属于自己的时间

Have you met Cheryl?

你见过绮丽儿吗

That'll be my new nickname.

那就会变成我的新绰号的

I'll be Claire "Me time" Dunphy.

就叫克莱尔·私人时间·邓菲

It's not worth the headache.

这可太不划算了

Just say you're sick.

那就说你病了

Then I run into her, and it'll be a whole thing.

然后万一我突然撞见她了 那不就彻底穿帮了

Well, if that happens,

好吧 要是真那样的话

you say you're on your way to the pharmacy to --

你就说你去药店

Phil, darling, no, not helping.

菲尔 亲爱的 行不通的

Fine. I'll give them to Florence Gunderman at work.

好吧 我送给同事弗洛伦斯·刚德曼

Her hands look gross ever since she took up the banjo.

她每次弹班卓琴的时候我都能看见她龟裂的双手

Hey, mom, I need some money for lunch.

老妈 我要点钱吃午饭

We're all gonna go to --

我们要去

Oh, my god! Take off my sweater!

天呐 把我的线衫脱下来

Mom, tell her to take it off!

老妈 叫她脱下来

Alex, take it off.

艾丽克斯 脱下来

Last week, she wore my sweatshirt without asking.

上周 她问都没问就穿了我的运动衫

That is true.

没错

Oh, please -- that was an honor

拜托 那可是抬举

for your stupid old sweatshirt.

你的破运动衫

It was the first time the top half got any exercise.

那是它第一次感受胸部的形状

Now, mom, that's my favorite sweater!

老妈 那是我最爱的线衫

I just got it.

我刚买的

You know what you girls need to learn to do?

你们知道你们这些女生要学什么吗

You need to learn to share,

你们要学会分享

because that's what sisters do.

因为那才是姐妹该做的

All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater.

行了海莉 你的线衫不会怎样的

Right, alex?

是吧 艾丽克斯

Hmm?

是吧

Okay, fine.

行 行

Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt,

那我就去穿件你最喜欢的书呆子T恤

上面有"回到未来"的那件

The one with the guy from "back to the future" on it.

《回到未来》：美国科幻片

That's Albert Einstein!

那是阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦

And it is not nerdy!

而且一点也不书呆子气

Well...

好吧

Hi!

你好啊

Hey, daddy. How was the farmers' market?

老爸呀 农贸市场怎样呀

Well, it was great, but guess what the new spinach is.

是不错 但猜猜 新品种菠菜是什么

Um, radicchio?

菊苣吗

Kale.

甘蓝

No!

不是吧

I know. I was just as blown away as you are.

我懂 我当时跟你一样凌乱

Oh, well, I guess we're going to have to adopt --

好吧 我想我们要采用...

yay --

耶

a new attitude towards kale.

新的态度看待甘蓝了

Maybe we'll even adopt a new vinaigrette.

可能也要用新的香料

Adopt, yay!

用起来用起来

Okay, what's going on here?

好啦 看看这里怎么啦

I'm taking the negative charge

我在运用收养的

out of the word "Adopted." Yay.

另一层含义 懂吗

What did Oprah do now?

奥普拉这回又说什么了

Well, she had a girl on

这样的 她有个女儿

who, at 16, found out that she was adopted

十六岁的时候发现自己是收养的

and felt betrayed, ran away, and became a stripper --

她觉得被背叛就跑了 最后变成了脱衣舞女

and not the heart-of-gol kind, the by-the-airport kind.

还没在黄金地段 而是机场周边的那种

Okay.

好

行了 你尽情评论吧 朱迪法官

All right. Go get your gavel, Judge Judy.

《朱迪法官》:美国对社会热点案件的直播节目

No, not at all. I'm adopting

不 完全不是 我接受了

A tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy.

大人不计小人过

Adopting!

接受[还有领养的意思]

Alex, come on. Hurry up.

艾丽克斯 快点 快点

The later we are,

我们去的越迟

the more Cheryl texts me to do.

绮丽儿就会发短信叫我做更多的事

I'm coming, I'm coming.

我来了 来了

Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you.

再跟我说说这小提琴为什么不跟你一样

It's too happy.

它太高兴了

Oh, my god!

天呐

Okay, hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

行了 别动别动别动

Let's see. It might not be a big deal.

我看看 应该没什么事

Just -- here we go. Let's see.

来吧 我来看看

- Oh, okay. - Is it bad?

好吧-很糟吗

No, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay.

没事 没事的 你没事的

Oh, honey.

亲爱的

Hey, I forgot my phone.

我忘带手机了

Hi.

你好啊

What?

干嘛啊

Nothing. I love you.

没事 我爱你

So weird.

古里古怪的

You better not spill anything on that, okay, dork?

你最好别溅什么东西在上面 知道吗 呆子

Relax. Half the 11th grade's been inside this sweater.

放轻松 这毛衣结实着呢

More than anything

更重要的是

I want my girls to stop fighting and be close.

我希望我的女儿们不要吵架 亲近一点

I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair

我希望他们互相分享衣服 互相做发型

and gossip about boys --

说说男孩子的绯闻

like I used to do with Mitchell.

就像以前我跟米奇尔那样

Gloria! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

歌洛莉亚 走吧 我们走吧

Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my step?

杰 你有没有注意到我走路跳跃了一点

Oh, kids say cruel things.

童言无忌

That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.

那也不代表你就是那样的

No. We have something in common.

不是 我们有相似之处

I'm seeing a younger woman.

我在和一位小美眉约会

How much younger are we talking about?

那是有多小

13 months. Her name's Chloe.

十三个月 她叫克罗伊

She makes me feel like a 5th grader again.

她让我感觉自己又是五年级了

Good for you, kid.

真替你开心 孩子

Hmm. There they are -- my two dirty old men.

都在啊 我的两个糟老头

Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of 40

拜托 你很快就四十好几的人了

and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a newer model.

我都打算用个更靓的模特换掉你了

Am I right, buddy?

对不 兄弟

That's my mother, Jay.

那是我老妈 杰

You ready?

准备好了吗

It's such a beautiful day. Why do we have to do this?

这么好的天 我们为什么一定要那样做

Because when this thing is behind us,

因为这事办好了

It's done and we never have to think about it again.

就完事儿了 我们就没有后顾之忧了

Come on.

来吧

I went to a funeral last Saturday, and it got me thinking

我上周六去了个葬礼 我就开始考虑

about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die.

我和歌洛莉亚死后的要葬在哪里

Yeah, it's been a fun week.

可不是 这一周过得可真太有意思了

I don't like loose ends.

我不喜欢虎头蛇尾

So I made a few calls.

所以我打了几个电话

I found these people selling a couple of primo plots

发现在有人在城里最好的墓地

in the best cemetery in town.

出售几块风水宝地

Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon.

并不是说我就快入土了

Don't be so sure...

别那么肯定

with all the bacon that he eats.

看看他平时吃的那些培根

Well, got to give my cholesterol pills

行了 我吃降胆固醇的药

something to do.

总要有点用处吧

Mm. I don't care how much they promote it,

我不管他们是怎么促销的

kale is a garnish.

甘蓝是配菜

It's not ready to anchor a meal.

无法独挑大梁的

Look at this.

看看这个

Oh, my god! Lily's little hat

天啊 是我们在越南机场

that we bought her at the airport in Vietnam.

给莉莉买的小帽子

Remember how cute she looked in that?

还记得她戴着有多可爱吗

Remember how I used to wear it

还记得我还曾经戴着它走来走去

and walk around and act like I had a giant head?

表现出好像我有个巨大的脑袋吗

Mm-hmm. That was good acting.

你是实力派

So, what are you doing?

你在干什么

I'm putting together a little scrapbook

我在将领养莉莉的过程

of how Lily became ours.

做成剪贴簿

You know, her adoption certificate,

她的领养证明

some pictures of her from her village --

他们家那个村的几张照片

All out in the open, so she has nothing to be ashamed of.

全部开诚布公 这样她就不用觉得羞耻了

You leaving that on all day?

你还想着这事儿呢

You know, and I'm also gonna write a little storybook --

我还要写本小故事书

you know, something I can read her at bedtime.

我可以给她当睡前故事讲

It's called "Two monkeys and a panda."

就叫"两只猴子和一只熊猫"

She's the panda because she's Asian.

她是亚洲人 所以她是熊猫

- And we're monkeys because... - I can draw monkeys.

我们是猴子是因为-我只会画猴子

Okay, well, I think this is a great project,

我觉得这是个绝妙的计划

and I believe you are gonna finish it.

我相信你一定会完成的

- Oh, my god. - What?

天啊-怎么了

Lily's adoption certificate.

莉莉的领养证明

- Her name is "Lily Tucker Pritchett." - Right.

上面写的是莉莉·塔克·普里契特-对

Not "Tucker-Pritchett" like it's supposed to be.

而不是"塔克-普里契特" 应该是这个才对

First name -- "Lily." Middle name -- "Tucker."

名"莉莉" 中间名"塔克"

Last name -- "Pritchett."

姓"普里契特"

Well, that can't be right.

那肯定不对啊

This is a legal document!

这可是法律文件

She only has your last name.

她冠的是你的姓

M-m-my name is just a middle name!

而我的姓就只是她的中间名

Stay calm. Don't get upset.

冷静 别难过

Nobody knows anyone's middle name!

没有人会知道别人的中间名的

- Quick -- what's my middle name? - Scott.

-快问快答 我的中间名是什么 -斯考特

Of course you know mine. We're a couple!

你当然知道我的啦 我们可是一对

Okay, look, t-this is obviously a mistake.

这明显是弄错了

But you're the one who filled out this paperwork.

但表格是你填的

You don't make mistakes like this.

你不会犯像这样的错误的

You correct mistakes like this.

一般都是你来改正像这样的错误

You did this on purpose.

你是故意的

What?

什么

You buried my name,

你把我的名字藏起来

so your name could have top billing.

你的姓就可以独霸鳌头

Okay, no, I am not gonnsit here and listen

我才不要听你指责我

to you accuse me of something so horrible!

做了这么过分的事情

It makes so much sense now --

现在全都说得通了

Why you wanted to fill out all these legal forms.

为什么所有法律文件你都想填

Okay, well, I'm a lawyer!

我是个律师

I fill out all the legal forms,

所以我填写所有法律文件

ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership!

从你签了一个12年的健身会员开始就这样了

The more you spend, the more you save!

会员时间越长 省的就越多

All the women I work with are too busy to use the certificate.

我所有的女同事都没时间去用那张温泉券

So I called the spa

所以我给温泉那边打了电话

and asked them to extend the expiration date.

希望他们能延长那张券的有效期

But they said no.

但他们拒绝了

Really?

真的要这样么

Here's something they didn't count on.

他们可真是打错算盘了

You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out.

你和菲尔·邓菲过不去 你就要吃不了兜着走

You have very nice hands.

你的手很好看

Soft like lady's.

像女人的手一样柔软

Thank you, Kim. I appreciate that.

谢谢你金 听你这么说我很高兴

My wife never seems to notice.

我妻子就好像从未注意过

This is it! Ta-da!

就这里了 嗒哒

What is ta-da?

嗒哒什么

I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.

我就是说就在这里了 嗒哒

Ta-da is when you do a flip

嗒哒一般是当你按动了开关

or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half,

或者魔术师把个美女一切两半时说的

not when you show someone

而不是当你给别人展示

where you want to shove their dead body.

你想把他们的尸体塞进一个什么地方时说的话

I'm not gonna argue the proper use of "Ta-da."

我才不和你争论"嗒哒"的正确用法

This is it.

就在这里了

Seriously? In the file cabinet?

你认真的么 在这么一堆柜子里面吗

It's called a crypt.

这叫教堂墓穴

And how are you not getting how great this is?

你怎么会不懂其中的妙处

We're four down from Bugsy siegel.

我们身处在豪情似海中的古堡中

No. I'm not going into any wall.

不 我才不要葬在有墙壁的地方

I'm going in the ground.

我会长眠于地下

Sorry, not me.

对不起 我才不要

There's enough to not like about death

我才不要死后

without adding dirt and worms.

还要和泥土和虫子相伴

The whole thing gives me the willies.

那会让我心里一阵阵发毛

You die, you go to the ground.

你死了 就应该被埋在地下

Is natural. You go back to the earth.

这是自然法则 尘归尘 土归土

Here, you're just a mushy bag of bones

在这里 你就是一袋骨头

rotting away for all eternity!

永远都在腐烂

Sorry for your loss.

请您节哀

Can we get the hell out of here?

我们能赶紧从这出去了吗

What am I supposed to tell the guy?

我该和那个人怎么说

Tell them we don't want our bodies

告诉他们我们才不希望在死后

inside these drawers where god cannot find us!

待在这样上帝无法找到我们的小抽屉里

These are not like our drawers at home.

这和咱家的抽屉可不一样

People can find things in these.

人们可以在这些抽屉里面找到东西

I'm thinking of getting bangs.

我想弄个刘海

Ooh, you totally should.

你绝对应该弄一个

You would be so cute with bangs.

你要是有刘海 肯定很美

- You have the face for it. I don't.

-你的脸型很适合留刘海 我就没有

Oh, there's my better half.

应该是我老婆

Kim, would you mind?

金 介意帮我接一下吗

Hey, honey. Where are you?

亲爱的 你在哪里

Oh, I'm on my way to Downey.

我在去唐尼的路上

Oh, uh, did you know

你知道吗

Karen and richard carpenter grew up in Downey?

卡伦和理查德·卡朋特夫妇是在唐尼长大的吗

What random and not-helpful fact, Phil.

你说这事有意义吗 菲尔

I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm having kind of a rough day.

对不起 我今天过得不太顺

Yeah, I'm kind of having a rough day myself.

我过得也不是很顺利

Look, Phil, I need you to take care of dinner for me.

菲尔 你得帮我做晚饭了

What's wrong?

怎么了

Oh, Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater,

艾莉克斯弄破了海莉的线衫

and now I'm driving around from store to store,

现在我就奔波在商店之间

trying to find the exact same one before Haley finds out.

试图在海莉发现之前给她再买件一模一样的

Don't do that. Just explain to her what happened.

不用啊 跟她说一下发生了什么就行了

Haley's not gonna understand.

不行 海莉不会理解的

- Sure, she will. -- No, phil, you don't understand.

她当然会了-不菲尔 你不明白

I'm trying to avoid this turning into a whole big thing.

我只是想大事化小

Then just get her something close.

那就给她买件相似的就成啊

She'll never know the difference.

她又看不出来

Phil, could you just take care of dinner, sweetie?

菲尔 就记住做晚饭好吗亲爱的

That's all I'm asking. That's it.

我就这么点要求 没了

I'm just saying, there's a simpler way to do this.

我只是想说 有更简单的解决方式

There is no simpler way. Just make dinner!

没什么更简单的方式 记得做饭

Thank you.

谢谢

Hello?

喂

What?

怎么了

Mr. Pritchett...

普里契特先生

We're the rutledges,

我们是鲁特莱齐的人

the ones selling the spots.

就是给你卖墓穴的人

hi.-hi.

你好-你好

Oh, my gosh. Look, honey.

天啊 看看亲爱的

I hadn't heard. Martin is in.

我都没听说 马丁住进来了

Well, look at that.

瞧瞧啊

- I'm sorry. Is that a friend of yours? - We've made a point

-不好意思 那是你的朋友吗 -我们只是

to get to know everyone in the neighborhood.

想认识"左邻右舍"的人而已

We think it makes it less awkward, you know, later.

我们觉得 之后如果在那边遇见不会那么尴尬

Oh, I'm sorry. This is my wife, Gloria.

对不起 这位是我妻子 歌洛莉亚

I'm Ed, and this is my bunk.

我是艾德 这里就是我的位置

And this is my loving wife

这位是我可爱的妻子

and devoted mother of three, Winnie.

为三个孩子日夜操劳的母亲 维尼

She'll be here.

她会在这里

I don't know what our lineup is yet.

我还不知道我们要怎么排

But at home,I sleep on the right side.

但在家的时候 我睡在右边

So probably there.

所以也许在那里

We don't mean to be rude,

请恕我们无礼

but you seem to be much younger than your husband.

但你看起来好像比你丈夫年轻很多

You're not rude. I'm very much younger.

您不算无礼 我是年轻很多

Is that a problem?

有问题吗

Well, it's just that there's a good chance,

只是很有可能

uh, you'll be moving in long before she would.

你会比她早很久进来

Our concern is, your wife remarries,

我们关心的是 一旦你妻子改嫁

and wants to be laid to rest with her new husband.

而她想又和新丈夫葬在一起

So she sells this spot to the highest bidder.

她就会把这个位置高价卖出

And we're left lying next to a complete stranger,

我们就要和一个陌生人做邻居了

without even so much as a formal "How do you do?"

甚至连个形式上的招呼都不会和我们打

Gloria, tell them you're in.

歌洛莉亚 告诉他们你不会这样

I don't know, Jay. I think they have a very good point.

我不知道 杰 我觉得这确实是个问题

And they're not crazy at all.

而且他们一点也不荒唐

What do you mean they have a good point?

你说这话是什么意思

I don't think this is going to work.

我想我们不会选这里了

Good luck getting someone into your drawers.

希望你们能找到"新邻居"

It occurs to me

我觉得

that I may have gotten a little too upset

我可能有点过于不安了

and jumped to some conclusions

还得出了某些

that were perhaps not true.

或许不正确的结论

I realize now that you would

我现在意识到

never intentionally do something so unthinkable.

你绝对不会故意做出如此荒唐的事情

So...

所以

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for accusing you.

我想说 我很抱歉 我指责了你

I did it.

我确实做了

I knew it! You two-faced --

我就知道 你个两面派

Let me explain. There is --

听我解释 那是

There is no explanation. There is just no excuse.

解释就是掩饰 掩饰就是一切罪恶的开始

I just want to know why!

我只想知道为什么

Okay, y-you know how, um, s-some women say

你知道吗 有些女人说

that they forget how painful childbirth was?

她们忘了生孩子有多痛苦

Well, I-I-I think that you are forgetting

我想你是忘了

how panicked you were before we got Lily.

在领养莉莉之前你有多惊慌失措

- You were freaking out. - I was not!

你完全抓狂了-我没有

Okay, so, it says that we can put the mattress

这上面说床垫

at one of three different levels.

有三种不同的放法

- Which one should we do? - I don't know.

我们应该选哪一个呢-我不知道

Well, just think about how far down she should be.

好吧 那想想我们应该把她放在多深的位置

- How far -- - I don't know! I can't do this!

多深-我不知道 我不能做这个

Okay.

好的

Oh, this latch system is great.

这个弹簧固定系统真是太棒了

What did people do before this?

真不知道以前的人是怎么固定的

I don't know! Stop asking me questions!

我不知道 别问我问题

- Cam... - I can't do this! I can't!

小卡-我不能做这个 我不能

Okay, well, I...

好吧 我

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

我可不觉得这两件事之间有什么联系

I-I was scared that -- that it was just gonna all be

我很害怕这件事

too much for you and that you were gonna leave.

你承受不了 我怕你会离开我

And then I would be the one taking care of a baby

我就会成为一个单身爸爸

and half of her last name

带着的孩子还跟一个

would belong to the guy who left us.

弃我而去的人姓

It was a mistake. I'm sorry.

是我做错了 我很抱歉

I-I wanted to have it changed,

我本想挽回的

but I needed to get your signature,

但是我需要你的签名

and I was afraid that it would start a big fight

我怕这会让我们大吵一架

and that you would hate me and...

会让你讨厌我 然后

OK, I'm confused.

那我就不明白了

You're saying that if she tells me she has a problem,

你们是说 如果她告诉我她有了麻烦

I'm not supposed to help her?

我却不该帮助她

Not unless she asks for your help.

除非她求你帮她

But if she lets me help her,

但如果她让我帮助她了

I can make her problem go away.

她就不会有麻烦了啊

That is such a male thing to say.

那是你们男人的观点

Well, forgive me for being a man.

请原谅我是个男人

Mango or kiwi?

芒果的还是猕猴桃的

Ooh, kiwi.

猕猴桃的

When you say, you know, "Do this or do that,"

当你说应该如何如何做时

all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than you."

她会觉得你是在说"我比你聪明多了"

Believe me, she doesn't think that.

相信我 她不会这么想的

She doesn't want you to save her problems.

她不希望你替他解决麻烦

She just wants you to give her support

她只希望得到你的支持

so that she can solve her problems herself.

让她自己解决麻烦

Yes, and sometimes --

没错 而且有时候

sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear.

有时候她只需要一个倾诉的对象

Maybe it's all the creams,

或许这才问题的关键

but that just made sense, girlfriends.

但说的很有道理 姑娘们

So if Claire says, "I hate getting stuck in traffic,"

那么如果克莱尔说 我讨厌堵车

- I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave earlier"... - No.

-我就不该说 你应该早点出门 -不

- ...Or, "Don't get on the freeway." - No.

-或是 别上高速公路 -不

I should just say, "I know. It's so frustrating."

我应该说 我懂 这是挺郁闷的

- Yes! That's it! - Really?

-是的 这就对了 -真的吗

Yes! Yes!

没错

And -- and if she says, uh, uh...

如果她说

The waiter I had today was so rude,

今天的服务员态度太差了

I shouldn'say, "Maybe you should just order

我不该说 你应该一次性

- something on the menu for once." - No.

把菜全点好-不行

I should just say, "What a jerk."

我应该说 真混蛋

Yes! Yes! Yeah!

对了 就是这样

And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving me crazy,"

如果她说 菲尔 这节目快把我逼疯了

I should just say, "I know!

我应该说 我知道

There is not enough quality programming for men."

现在的电视节目都不是人看的

No! Turn off the damn TV.

不 你应该关掉那该死的电视

Okay, now I'm confused again.

好吧 我又不明白了

So, I heard you had a rough time today.

听说你今天过的不太愉快啊

Yeah, well...

是啊

Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever?

还记得那些我们以为会永远在一起的日子吗

Don't you want to go play?

你想去玩吗

When do I ever play?

我什么时候玩过

I'm kind of wrestling

我似乎也得应付

with this whole "older man, younger woman" thing.

这些老夫少妻的事

It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds.

就好像我和克罗伊的生活背景不同

Today I made a joke about the Wiggles.

今天我说了个关于威格尔家的笑话

- It went right over her head. - I don't know what that is.

她居然一头雾水-我不知道你说的什么

It's an expression -- means she didn't get it.

这是个短语 意思就是她不明白

Yeah, it sometimes -- this age thing --

是啊 有时候年龄的事

knocks you in the head.

是很让人心烦

That what this is about?

你是指什么呢

I always knew your mother might remarry after I'm gone.

我一直都明白 我去世之后你妈可能会改嫁

That never bothered me.

可我从来没烦恼过

I figured her husbands would be your dad, me,

她嫁过你爸 嫁过我

and some putz who could never live up to me.

肯定也会嫁某些完全比不上我的傻瓜

But what if I'm not the main guy?

但如果我不是她心中最重要的那一个怎么办

What if some other guy is?

如果她更爱其他人

What if I'm the putz?

如果我才是那个傻瓜

When my mom and dad got divorced,

我妈和我爸离婚的时候

do you have any idea how many guys chased after her?

你知道有多少人在追求她吗

The phone didn't stop ringing.

电话铃声就没停过

Men would stop her on the street.

那些人会半路把她拦住

Guys would propose to her from moving cars.

车还没停下 就向她求婚

They were good-looking guys, Jay -- with money.

他们都长得很帅 又多金

I think one of them was a Kennedy.

我觉得他们中的一个能当总统

Where are you going with this?

你说这些是什么意思

When you showed up, I didn't think you had a prayer.

当你出现的时候 我觉得你没什么希望

You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry for you.

你紧张得大汗淋漓的 我真为感到难过

I had to climb three flights of stairs.

我可是被迫爬了三段楼梯

But of all people, my mom fell for you.

但在所有人中 我妈选中了你

I got a few moves.

她追姑娘很有一手

She said she fell in love with you during your first fight.

她说第一次和你吵架的时候就爱上你了

- What? - She said she'd finally met her match.

什么-她说她终于找到了真命天子

Oh.

是嘛

So if you think she's just gonna replace you

所以如果你认为她会在你去世后

when you're gone,

找人代替你

Then you are the putz.

那你就是个傻瓜

Thanks, kid.I appreciate that.

谢谢你 孩子 醍醐灌顶啊

I thought you liked me when I first showed up.

我还以为一开始你就喜欢我

Please. For the first month,

拜托 头一个月

I didn't even bother to learn your name.

我甚至都不想知道你的名字

- Is she back yet? - She's on her way.

她回来了吗-在路上了

- Did you find it? - I did.

你找到了吗-找到了

At the fifth store I went to.

终于在第五家店找到了

It was in the window, and I had to undress a mannequin

就在橱窗里 我是从模特身上扒下来的

while a creepy guy filmed it,

还被一个变态拍了下来

So we have to look forward to on the internet.

我们估计能在网上找到

- Thank you so much, mom. - You're welcome.

-太谢谢你了 妈妈 -不谢

Now, go put that exactly where you found the other one, okay?

现在 快放到它原来的地方去 知道吗

Okay.

好的

Uh-oh.

啊欧

- What? The security tag -- it's still on!

什么-防盗扣还在上面呢

I told those people to take that off.

我跟他们说了让他们取下来

- Oh, no. - She's pulling into the driveway!

不-她已经开入停车道了

Okay. It's fine. It's fine.

好的 没事 没事

Don't panic. I've got it. I've got it.

别紧张 快弄好了 快弄好了

- She's getting out of the car! - All right! I am doing it!

她下车了-别闹了 我正在弄

I've almost got it. I -- oh, god! Oh, no!

快弄好了 我 哦 天啊 糟了

- What is that?! - Well, it's ink.

什么东西-是墨水

Aah! Hide it. Hide it.

藏起来 快藏起来

- She's in the house! - What are you doing with my sweater?

她进来了-你把我毛衣怎么了

Oh, my god! It's ruined!

天啊 你把它毁了

It was an accident!

只是个意外

I knew this would happen, you idiot!

我就知道会这样 你个笨蛋

Hey, hey! Let's try to get along.

嘿 嘿 有话好好说

I wish she was never even born!

我真希望她根本没生下来过

They were trying to make one with a brain!

他们只不过需要一个有脑子的孩子

Not fair! Honey, you guys are both...

别乱讲 亲爱的 你们都很

Oh...pretty smart.

都很聪明

Ohh...

噢

Geez.

天啊

It's that sweater, huh?

是线衫的事对吧

Yeah. It is that sweater.

对 就是线衫的事

And I did everything I can to stop them from fighting.

我尽了一切努力避免她们吵架

I don't understand.

我就不懂了

Why they can't see how much you love them.

她们怎么没意识到你有多么爱她们

I don't know.

我也不懂

Meanwhile, Cheryl has be calling me all day

还有今天绮丽儿一直给我打电话

because she's angry I didn't show up.

就因为她生气我没去

Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny?

绮丽儿家里不是有管家和保姆什么的吗

Why does she need so much help?

为什么她还要别人帮忙

I know, right?

我也知道 你说是吧

You work so hard.

你鞠躬尽瘁

You do so much.

你劳苦功高

I do.

对啊

Of course you do.

百分之百对

I do.

确实

I do.

确实

Oh, sweetie, thank you.

亲爱的 谢谢你

I really appreciate that.

真的很感谢

Hey.

嘿

Yeah?

什么

Who's my gal?

我老婆是谁

I am.

就是我

Darn right. Yeah.

答对了 就是你

Oh. Let me get this.

我去洗个手

Hey, by the way --

嘿 还有一件事

notice anything different about me?

发现我有什么不同吗

Unh-unh.

没啊

Huh.

哈

Hmm. What is it?

哪里不同了

Nothing.

没什么

- A haircut? - A week ago.

剪头发了吗-一个礼拜前就剪了

Okay, so, tell me.

好啦 快点告诉我

Forget it. It's not important.

算了 没什么重要的

Okay. I'll just go start dinner.

我去做饭了

Listen, I've been thinking.

听着 我想了想

When I go,

在我死了以后

I want you to know...

我想告诉你

It's okay if you marry someone else.

你嫁给别人也可以的

I know.

我知道

Because I want you be happy.

因为我想你幸福

I'll be happy.

我会幸福的

You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?

你故意气我是不是

Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else.

杰 我不会嫁给别人的

That's what you say now,

你现在是这么说的

but no one knows what the future holds.

但是没人知道未来是怎样的

So I want you to have this.

所以我给你这个

Look at this,

看这个

an empty coffee can.

一个空的咖啡罐

Do you know what men used to buy me?

你知道追我的男人给我买什么吗

When I go, toss me in the fire,

我死了以后 把我火化了

Sweep up my ashes, stick 'em in that.

把我的骨灰放进这个罐子里面

Ta-da!

嗒哒

We need to talk about this "Ta-da."

我得跟你谈一谈这个"嗒哒"

Cause I don't care if it's in a wall

因为我不在乎我死后待的地方有没有墙

or if it's in the ground --

或者还是被深埋地下

just as long as I end up with you.

我只要和你在一起就行了

Oh, Jay.

哦 杰

It's perfect.

太完美了

Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel in the old coffee can.

杰·普里契特的骨灰咖啡罐放在壁橱上

That will drive the putz crazy. And I like that.

这些追求者就傻眼了 我就喜欢这样

Um, so, f-for whatever it's worth,

所以说 我左思右想

I-I called the adoption attorney --

我还是叫来了收养律师

Adoption, yay!

收养 耶

And on Monday, they're gonna start the process

在星期一 他们就会开始着手准备

of changing lily's last name to "Tucker-pritchett."

把莉莉的姓改成塔克-普里契特

Great.

好啊

Again, I'm -- I'm so sorry.

我想再次道歉

Okay.

好吧

Um... Oh, I, uh...

这个 我

I took a quick pass at "Two Monkeys and a Panda."

我刚写完了《两只猴和一只熊猫》

So, just let me know what you think.

我想听听你的看法

Once upon a time,

很久很久以前

there were two monkeys.

有两只猴子

They loved each other very much,

他们都很爱对方

but there was something missing."

但是还是缺少一样东西

A hyphen?

连字号吗

They wanted a baby.

他们想要一个孩子

And they heard that there was a very special baby

他们听说在遥远的地方有一个特别的孩子

in a faraway land who needed a family.

她需要一个家

She was a panda named Lily.

她是一只熊猫 名字叫莉莉

One of the monkeys was scared.

其中一只猴子惊慌失措

They'd never had a panda before.

他们从未养过熊猫孩子

But they held Lily in their arms,

但是在他们把莉莉抱在怀里的时候

and the scared monkey became the brave one.

那只惊慌失措的猴子变得勇敢了

And the two monkeys --"

这两只猴子

- Coco and Miko. - I'm sorry. What?

可可和米克-不好意思 你说什么

Coco And "Miko" Are the names of the monkeys.

可可和米克是两只猴子的名字

Really?

是吗

That doesn't seem like it's a little un--

听起来有那么一点

Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that.

可可和米克 我喜欢 我喜欢

Coco and Miko -- yeah.

可可和米克 对

They traveled all the way home

他们带上他们收养的完美的小熊猫

with the perfect panda that they adopted."

回到了家里

Did she just clap?

她刚刚是不是拍手了

She heard "Adopted" And clapped!

她听到"收养"就拍手了

Cam! That's amazing!

小卡 这太不可思议了

Oh, my god! You did that!

哦 天啊 你做到了

- Well, I don't... - What?!

-那个 我没有 -什么

You did that. That is amazing. I can't believe that.

你做到了 难以置信 我不敢相信

And just like that, peace returned to our house.

就像这样 和平回到了家里

Well, technically, I-it's my house, but...

理论上来说 这是我的家 但是

I-I will -- I will fix that, too.

我 我马上就去改了

Once we finished writing the book,

当我们把书写完的时候

we realized something.

我们发现一件事情

We're not the only two monkeys with the panda,

不仅仅是我们这两只猴子有熊猫宝宝

gay parents are a huge market,

同性恋夫妇是一个巨大的市场

and no one's writing for them.

没人专门给他们写书

We thought we were sitting on a gold mine.

我觉得我们简直是坐拥金矿

But we weren't.

可惜不是

Gay Parenting.

《同性恋养孩子》

"Gay Adoptive Parenting."-Okay.

《同性恋收养孩子》-好吧

Gay Adoption: Foreign Children. Wow.

《同性恋收养外国孩子》-哇哦

"Gay Adoption: Asian Children."-What?

《同性恋收养亚裔孩子》-虾米

"Bisexual Adoption: Asian Children."

《双性恋收养亚洲孩子》

"Transgendered Adoption."

《变性人收养孩子》

Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.

够了 米克我们走